My desperate appeal to make Muppet Pride and Prejudice

The Muppets Christmas Carol and Muppet Treasure Island have taught us one important lesson: the Muppets are best when dressed in historical attire. They are also very good at literary adaptations.

So why not a Muppet Pride and Prejudice? The novel is a comedy, after all. And who better to draw out the hypocrisy of high society than a ragtag team of ridiculous puppets?

Please find my hypothetical cast below.

Narrators: Gonzo (sometimes dressed as Jane Austen) and Rizo

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet: Kermit and Miss Piggy

Mrs. Hill (Longbourn’s housekeeper): Miranda Hart

Since Hart would be exceptional in a Muppet movie, I recommend expanding Hill’s role. I would like her around in most of the Longbourn scenes.

Miss Jane Bennet: Annie Sue Pig

Miss Elizabeth Bennet: Emma Mackey (as seen in Ella McCay, Sex Education, and Emily)

Miss Mary, Catherine (Kitty), and Lydia Bennet: Pigs

There are no specific muppets here, just some puppets resembling Miss Piggy. I would like to note there is, in fact, a pig muppet called “Lydia.” She is covered in tattoos, wears revealing clothing, and (much to Miss Piggy’s displeasure) kisses Kermit. That is all I will say on the matter.

Mr. Charles Bingley: Rowlf the Dog

Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy: Sam Phillips (as seen in Bridgerton and The Crown)

Miss Caroline Bingley: TBD (see note 8 below)

Mrs. Louisa Hurst (née Bingley): TBD (see note 8 below)

Mr. Hurst: Joe Wilkinson (as seen in Ricky Gervais’ After Life and last year’s Waitrose Christmas advert)

Miss Charlotte Lucas: Patsy Ferran (as seen in Miss Austen)

Mr. William Collins: Fozzie Bear

Mr. George Wickham: KJ Apa (as seen in Riverdale, The Map That Leads You, and A Very Jonas Christmas).

Mr. Jones (apothecary who treats Jane at Netherfield): Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. He will arrive with his assistant, Beaker.

Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner: Brendan Gleeson and Emma Thompson (these two need no introduction)

Miss Georgina Darcy: Alisha Weir (as seen in Matilda the Musical. She is slightly more grown up now).

Miss Anne de Bourgh: Camilla the Chicken

Lady Catherine de Bourgh: Sam Eagle in a dress.

Onlookers making disparaging comments about the ladies and gentlemen at the Netherfield ball: Statler and Waldorf

Netherfield and Pemberley’s Footmen: Penguins. They will be wearing white wigs.

Cook: Swedish Chef. I suspect a kitchen scene can be snuck in somewhere.

Tour group on a “Jane Austen experience” trying to live out their Regency fantasies: Rats

Notes on casting

1. In keeping with tradition, Muppet Pride and Prejudice will be a musical. I have not considered any of the human actors for their singing ability (and if I’m honest, I don’t want Elizabeth Bennet or Mr. Darcy singing much in this). Sam Eagle, as Lady Catherine de Bourgh, will sing an original song titled “The Shades of Pemberley (to be thus polluted).” And there will be a song featuring the entire company titled “How to Act Like a Lady or a Gent” in which the muppets explain the dos and don’ts of social etiquette at the Netherfield Ball. Statler and Waldorf will feature prominently in this.

2. According to the precedent set forth by The Muppet Christmas Carol, all female offspring of Kermit and Miss Piggy are decidedly pigs. I will not be discussing the implausibility of Lizzie Bennet being a human … one must just accept it.
   

3. Yolanda Rat would also make an excellent Mrs. Hill. But I really wanted Miranda Hart in a Muppet movie.
   

4. If you know how it all ends, then you are right to observe that Mr. Wickham and Charlotte Lucas (both cast as humans) marry puppets. That is their fate.
   

5. I admit that Fozzie Bear does not have the pompousness essential to Mr. Collins. I greatly debated whether or not Sam Eagle would be more appropriate. But, much like Mr. Collins, Fozzie would fail to pick up on social cues, and people would dread sitting next to him at a dinner party.
   

6. Although I am quite set on making Mr. Collins a muppet, if the clergyman were a human, Tim Key would be perfect. He was brilliant in The Ballad of Wallis Island.
   

7. I sadly could not find a role for Pepé the King Prawn, so I have invented one. He is Mr. Wickham’s devious sidekick.
   

8. When doing this hypothetical casting, I realized that there is a shocking lack of prominent female muppets! Hence, it is an opportunity to create some new characters with Caroline Bingley and Mrs. Hurst.

If you have made it this far, then I must thank you for indulging me. And please let me know if you take issue with my casting decisions. I welcome debate!