Unfolding

I don’t have a list of 46 things.

But I have an unmistakable ache.

An ache to be met with reciprocity.

An ache to be protected, but not controlled.

An ache to be seen, not perfectly, but with curiosity and a desire to understand.

To have my feelings believed and not have to justify them.

I want the dark parts of my life, or the parts that I feel darkly about, to be viewed as the blueprint, the foundation on which the person they love came into being.

And I want to meet their darkness too. To stare it in the face with them, not to admonish, not to judge, not to divest, but to thank and appreciate what they did when they were trying to survive a world hell-bent on seeing them fail.

I want to know that they have done the work and that they know how to keep doing the work, I don’t want to be the teacher anymore. I don’t want to be emotionally and energetically drained, to watch them bloom under my sun, while I wilt in their shade.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want them to learn from me or me from them, I just want it to be mutual. I want them to pour into me as much as I do into them. I want them to understand the concept of overflow—I will not pour from my cup anymore.

I want to be playful.

I want to be creative.

I want space to breathe and security to come home to.

I want to be set on fire. I want them to ruin me for anyone else.

I want to feel safe to learn about myself through them, truly, not to try and make them happy or to feel worthy of their attention or to keep them from leaving, but to feel so truly safe and secure in their arms that experimenting isn’t something to fear.

I want them to hold space for me, not to create high walls that I am forced to shrink within, but to help me tear them down and watch me grow.

Do you know how big we can get if we supported each other purely, unadulteratedly, hugely, I don’t even know the right words for it… just without expectation. I want a “fuck yes” man, not because I want someone to blow smoke up my ass, but because they KNOW I can do it. And they aren’t afraid to challenge me in it in a way that helps me to step up, to do more, to push harder, to bloom fully.

And, yes, maybe right now I am that person for me. Maybe right now I will court myself.

But that doesn’t take the ache away. It only shows me more and more how the bar raises for anyone else willing to step into my life.

I am not seeking perfection. I want reciprocity. I want genuine curiosity. I want consideration. I want you to fucking remember me.