i want my life to be different so badly that it actually hurts. or is it more the realization that nobody is coming to save me, and no snap of my fingers will land me in my dream life?
and it’s not even that i don’t feel happiness. i’m endlessly grateful for the people and the life i have.
but still, i’ve been endlessly sad these last few days. the doubts and the negative thoughts came to the surface.
i’m too slow, not disciplined enough, too afraid. i’m not good enough. i won’t make it. i’m alone. luck isn’t on my side. life is hard and unfair.
i’ve always tried to push them away. successfully, i thought. these last few months i’ve meditated, visualized, manifested and tried to stay positive.
but my walls were broken through. the walls i’d built so carefully so i could keep looking forward.
and today i wonder whether that’s exactly what needed to happen. you can’t simply shut things out. not your doubts, not your thoughts. at least not forever. they’re there, every second. and for my part, i’ve noticed that when i close myself off from them, they start screaming at me.
at first it looks like a terrifying monster. angry and loud, lashing out. but the longer i look at it, the more clearly i see that it’s a part of me that simply wants to be accepted. heard and seen.
not just a quick glance - a long, deep look. deep into your own soul.
i wish it were otherwise. but inside me there isn’t only lightness. there’s also weight. but how else would i ever keep myself in balance.
and what i’m trying to understand and accept is that weight is allowed to be light sometimes, just as lightness is sometimes heavy.
so my worries and doubts aren’t inherently bad or good. neither are my wishes and hopes.
and all those worries, doubts, and negative thoughts. they’re okay.
all of it is okay.
because they belong to me.
and who would i be if i didn’t accept every part of myself with love.
now that i’m already listening and looking, i can’t ignore it anymore.
what has broken out of me shines like a beacon toward what truly matters to me. because everything that fills me with uncertainty and sadness is the best compass you could wish for.
it triggers me. it shows me where i need to heal and what i need for that.
which is exactly why it matters to look - and not to force it back out.
i want to be right on time, devoted, and brave. i want to be enough, and i will make everything work. i am loved and connected. i see myself as the lucky one. and life is allowed to feel easy and fair.
it’s what my heart wants so deeply that it floods my thoughts with all those worries and won’t stop. until i finally listen.
and what i know now is this:
listening to myself and opening my heart has never let me down. it has always brought me a little closer to myself.
ask yourself : what was the last thing you actually felt in that moment — not what you wanted to feel, but what you felt?
— barbara ♡
p.s. if something in this post made you stop and feel seen - i'd love to know. leave a comment or just say hi. i read everything.
who’s writing to you:
i’m barbara. i write heart full of pages for people who feel like the default path was never quite designed for them - about work, creativity, identity, and the slow, honest process of building a life that actually fits and feels true to you.
everything here is written in real time. one page at a time.
thank you for being part of that journey. ♡
if you want to support my writing, you can buy me a piece of cake, it means more than you know.
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