i’m so happy for her, it keeps me up at night

three days ago my fiancée pitched me her whole business idea at our kitchen table.

she already has a well paid job at a PR agency. and now this too. i mean, really?

for a first pitch it was so perfectly outlined i was in awe. there was a spark in her i just adored. i listened, and when she finished i kissed her and told her it sounded really promising.

by the evening she had already reached out to people she knows, to start talking about next steps. she’s always that quick to move. she has the network for it too, from sales and from her time in politics. she is the most ambitious, driven person i know, and one of those people who captivates everyone who talks to her, at a party or across a boardroom.

and i was happy for her. i want to say that first, because it’s true, and it stays true through everything that comes next.

and then, later, in bed, with the light already off, something else came in underneath the happiness.

not jealousy. i was over that years ago. it flared up now and then in our first year together, but not anymore. so i keep reaching for that word and it keeps being wrong.

because i don’t want her job. i don’t want to start a business. i would be miserable in her life. i would hate speaking to investors, going to networking events, carrying the pressure of building a whole company. it would be all numbers and money and getting there faster and being better than everyone else.

that’s the part i couldn’t explain to myself. i don’t want it. so why did watching her move toward it, in a straight line, with a clear plan and a solid salary on the side that anyone would nod at, why did that make me feel like i was standing completely still.

she was building something the whole world could see. and i was lying next to her with a job i chose so i’d have room to write, and a dream that doesn’t come with an interview or a title or a number i could say out loud at a lunch date without explaining myself for twenty minutes.

she gets applause for her dream. mine i have to explain.

and here is the thought that came in that night. the one i’ve never written down or said out loud.

what if wanting a different life just means i’m losing the one race everybody agreed to run.