how to remember what you actually love

i know it's the 4th of august already, and this arrives a little late. but i always write from the heart, and sometimes the words are just not there, because life is happening. here are my august monthly pages. i hope they arrive at the right time for you. the prompts and living inspiration are waiting for paid subscribers. one small yes, and they’re yours. with love, barbara ♡

i was born in august, so naturally this month has always felt different to me. and for as long as i can remember, i have loved summer. the heat, the sun, the people spilling out onto the streets.

this year i’m turning 33.

when i was in school and thought about my thirty-something self, i imagined a fully grown-up person. someone who had it all together. sitting in her own garden, husband, two kids. i never thought at seventeen about what i actually wanted. just what i’d heard. the future that was supposed to be ahead of me. and without thinking twice, i made it my own wish for life. it felt so inevitable.

for almost a decade, i ran after a dream life i was made to believe in.

this august, i'm turning a year older. but also wiser about what i truly want. this is the first birthday i'll celebrate with a real image of my future in mind. one that is actually mine. i'm excited. and i have that tingling feeling that i'm going to get there.

july was exhausting. more work than i asked for, and less time for writing than i had hoped. i got angry these last two weeks. because this is my life right now. i sat with the anger and the frustration. and i let it go. i tried to. it’s not that easy, when you have to live your life as it is, but you know deep down that you’ve already outgrown it.

this transition phase is exhausting.

and here is the one thing i want to carry into the new month, and the one thing i want to let go of.

time for the things i love:
this month i was forced to do more of the things i need to do. the responsible things. no fun, just "that's how it is, get over it." i hate this. it triggers me. and no, i won't just get over it. even when there are things i need to do, despite every absent instinct to do them, i want to make room for the things i actually love. the things that are fun and fill my cup. even when i'm exhausted, i don't want to end the month in fatigue. i want to end it in a happy dance.

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impatience with my own life:
when you wish your life looked different, it can feel like ingratitude. especially when everything looks fine from the outside. but most lives are not only butterflies and rainbows. there is always more to it. it’s never only good or bad.

what i want to let go of is this feeling of skipping past what i have, because i assume what comes next will make me happier. it won’t. nothing will make me happier if i can’t find it here, in what’s already in front of me. impatience isn’t necessary. it’s a choice about how you see your own life. whether you’re able to see how far you’ve already come.

the thing that’s occupied my mind the most these past weeks is this:

how do you know if you’re living your life the way you actually want it, because you genuinely love it that way, or if you’ve just made someone else’s life your own. because it’s what everyone does, what’s expected, or what’s simply most convenient.

maybe i’m not alone in that. and maybe it’s something others are sitting with too. and here’s that thought, turned into a question.

i do these things. i know i love rollercoasters, i lose hours to astrology because i want to understand it more, i stumble onto a youtube video about spirit guides and near death experiences and watch it until midnight.

but i also notice how easily these things disappear. they’re usually the first to go when life gets overwhelming. when responsibilities eat up your days. the thing is:

if you always remember what you truly love, you’ll always have somewhere to go to fill your own cup. and if you allow yourself to follow it, you might find your way to a life that actually feels like yours.