Why a common cold can trigger the shit out of us

I am finally 85% human again after spending four weeks sick thanks to the petri dish that is my toddler’s daycare. Something interesting happened about 16 days in: I had already been diagnosed with and gone through a full treatment of strep throat (strep carrier 4lyfe), but I was way way way sicker. I went to urgent care where they thought it was walking pneumonia, was sent out for the usual cultures and chest x-ray, and given antibiotics.

When the doctor called three days later to tell me my chest x-ray was fine and my cultures negative for pneumonia, I, for just a moment, felt disappointed. I thought, “What the fuck is wrong with me that I felt better when it was walking pneumonia, which is so much worse of a thing to have?”

That’s when I realized basic ass shit like the common cold with some bronchitis can trigger the absolute shit out of me and I needed to get to the bottom of why.

Here’s the thing: a very big part of experiencing childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is that we are forced, by no fault of our own, to distrust our bodies. Whether we were aware of it or not, our bodies were sending us messages that things were not okay. At all.

But the people who abused us and everyone around who was complicit in the abuse told us to override our bodies with our minds:

• “It’s fine, you’re fine.”

• “You’re being overly sensitive.”

• “You are so dramatic.”

• “Just focus on the good.”

• “They could never do that, you must be confused.”

Shoutout to a dear survivor-friend who, as an adult, confronted her mom about her dad’s abuse and the mom replied, “Maybe you just have a vitamin D deficiency and that’s why you’re depressed.”

Some of this stuff may have been explicit for us, and for others this shit was subconscious, but at some point we all learned we couldn’t listen to what our bodies were saying if we wanted to survive our childhoods.

But it’s not just that we had to learn to block out what our bodies are telling us, we often actively feel at war with them. Our bodies never stop trying to tell us that something wrong happened that requires love and care and healing, whether it’s in the form of triggers, nightmares, or other trauma responses.

I remember feeling that my body was betraying me back when I tried to keep the peace in my family and tolerate being around my dad. I’d get so physically ill, go into a full blown trauma response, have migraines andstomach aches, and not be able to breathe properly.

To absolutely no fault of my own (and the fault of a whole bunch of other people), I thought the problem was my body, and not the abuse, and it filled me with self-loathing.

Healing means something different to everyone and that’s dope and necessary because we are all different people. But as I’ve supported thousands of survivors around the world, I have noticed that a common thread to everyone’s healing is learning how to come back home to their bodies.

An important step for my healing was to recognize that my triggers were not signs of betrayal; instead they were vital intel informing me of what I’ve experienced and what I need now to be safe.

Even after 15 years of therapy and active healing work I still have to work hard at not overriding my body’s messages with my brain. To no fault of my own, my logical brain is really fucked up from the abuse.

My brain has all these bullshit messages that are remnants of the abusive brainwashing that say things like, “Everything is your fault”, “You don’t deserve care and compassion”, “You should be ashamed of yourself”, and so on.

But my body doesn’t say that abusive shit to me because my body knows the truth: There is nothing wrong with me; something wrong happened to me.

I do some one-on-one coaching with fellow survivors, (if this is something you’re interested in, I’m starting back up on a limited basis, so shoot me a message), and an exercise we often practice is choosing a small decision. Like, “What should I have for lunch today?” or “What do I want to do Friday evening?” We practice examining what our minds are guiding us towards and then tapping in to what our bodies are telling us. Then the work is to try make the decision based on what our bodies are telling us. It might sound simple, but this shit is everything for survivors.

We’ve left our bodies and its wisdom behind in order to survive things we never ever should have had to endure. But now that we have the opportunity to heal, we get to come back home to them.

I was so fucking calm when I thought I had walking pneumonia. I realized that it was a serious diagnosis that, if not cared for, could escalate to some shit I really do not want to go through. Finally, after being sick for 2 weeks, I was able to crawl into bed without an ounce of guilt or second-guessing and stay there for three straight days.

I felt no stress. I read no news. I stayed off social media. I didn’t think about work even for a second. Despite how physically bad I felt I was in such a positive mood: my kid was at daycare and safe and happy and my only job was to binge watch The Morning Show and hunt for vintage jewelry steals online (keep scrolling to see more). It was the first time I’d ever been sick where I truly could relax my full self.

Then I got the call from the doctor that it wasn’t walking pneumonia, just a terrible version of a cold that turned into bronchitis. And suddenly my brain had no idea how to take care of me.

Everyone gets colds. For some people it’s super mild and they bounce back and for others it feels like death itself.

And since it impacts everyone so differently, when you have a cold you have to actually listen to your body to determine what it needs. My nightmare.

I felt a panic and my mind was flooded with voices that said things like, “I guess I should to start working again”, “I have to get out of bed and start doing more shit around the house”, and so on. I physically felt no better, but no longer thought I was deserving of rest.

After trying to be productive for an hour or two and feeling like I was going to pass out, I quickly realized I needed to listen to my body and not my overachieving and anxious brain.

Many of us developed perfectionism a way to cope with the CSA. I became an overachiever not because of any peer or family pressure but because it was a way to channel all my needs for some sense of control. I wasn’t working hard to chase a future dream, I was working hard because the shame fueled me to think I needed to punish and discipline myself as some means of finding safety.

After a billion hours of therapy, I realized that the abuse taught me to blame myself for things that weren’t my fault, and my brain thought if I was perfect at everything then maybe I could avoid feeling that blame.

But that shit doesn’t just disappear; its a ongoing practice to let go of those harsh and cruel standards for ourselves (so much so that I wrote a book all about it!).

Being sick is the perfect opportunity for those cruel, abusive voices to return to our brain and guilt us for resting and letting go of other responsibilities so that we can care for our bodies.

I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that we are also living in late-stage capitalism where we are taught our value as people is based on how much we can produce so, when we have to rest and stop producing, we can feel valueless. It’s fucked up but never our fault for feeling that way.

But I’ve found something very simple and 100% free that’s helped me find self-compassion this past month of illness, and that is to say to myself as often as I need:

“I have a responsibility to protect my body, mind, and spirit.”

That’s it. I say it 3-5 times a day and after a few days it really started to sink in.

What does it feel like for you to say that simple phrase to yourself? I found it immensely challenging at first, but now I know it’s the fastest way I can let go of the abusive brainwashing and tap back in to the innate wisdom that has lived within me all this time.

Join our friends at Heal Sweet Home (formally The Heal Project, still with Ignacio Rivera and Aredvi Azad!) who are hosting a very special virtual event Sweet Spot: Rebuilding Our Relational Home on Thursday October 23.

Heres more about the event from the Heal Sweet Home Team:

Join us for newest program where we ask: If consent is the floor, how do we build the rest of the house? Sweet Spot is an intensive skill-building and story-sharing laboratory where we go beyond consent culture’s basics to explore what it actually takes to build and rebuild our relational homes — spaces of trust, intuition, boundaries, and care.

Over three transformative hours, we’ll name what needs repair in our relational blueprints, dream up new architectures for connecting, and practice co-creating intimacy that honors our full selves — including our trauma, our boundaries, and our deepest longings.

• 3 AASECT CE credits available.

• We are committed to making this space accessible, and we encourage anyone who needs a scholarship to simply email: info@healsweethome.org

• Register Now! (Use code ABFriend15 for $15 off and mention my name in the comments)

I contain multitudes. And in addition to being deeply passionate about supporting CSA survivors in their healing I also fucking love vintage costume jewelry. And for me, the two things couldn’t be more related because it is the joy of all the sparkles and shiny things that gives me the energy to keep feeling myself while doing this work at a near impossible time. And I want to share this passion with you all, if you’re interested.

So if you want to come check out my collection join me this Wednesday night at 6:30pm Pacific on the live auction Whatnot app, where every item will start between $3-$15! You get $15 off your first purchase on the app if you use my link when you open it for the first time because you are my friend! This is the show page you can bookmark.

Capitalism note: You all know I am very hesitant to commodify any healing resources that I develop because I believe that healing must be accessible. But the jewelry thing is a fun way to make some side money (I promise it isn’t an MLM or something weird and culty) while also making sure second-hand items stay in rotation and are cherished. If you aren’t into it that’s 100% fine keep on scrolling my dear!

Franklin jumped off a 10-foot ledge and thank god he was completely fine. He seemed to have shocked himself, fully not intending to do it. Yet the ledge he free-dove off of was at my mom’s house where he has spent countless days and nights. What was he thinking? Was he thinking or was it all just vibes up there? Who is to say. All I know is I am thrilled he’s totally fine but for this slightly busted lip and, while he may not be the smartest, he is my baby forever.

While I do not fuck with AI, I do like this AI summary of the Amazon reviews of Healing Honestly:

Customers find the book's writing style relatable and genuinely funny, with one review noting how it validates each individual's story. Moreover, they appreciate its empathetic approach to healing wounds from past experiences, with one customer highlighting its value for both survivors and their loved ones.

Available at Amazon, Bookshop.org, Barnes & Noble and wherever books are sold. Available in paperback, audiobook and e-books.