Advice-ish! Issue #2

Welcome to the second issue of Advice-ish! a monthly column for paid subscribers. As a reminder, beyond a bachelor’s degree for a major I literally made up and my drivers licenses, I have no degrees or licenses. I am a CSA survivor who has supported thousands of other survivors in their healing and approach everything from a survivor-to-survivor perspective. And as the child of two attorneys I must add that this column is not a substitute for therapy from a licensed clinician and none of this is medical advice!

*I’m a survivor in middle age who’s been at this healing thing for a while now. I have a very supportive partner, and I do have friends, but when you or others mention reaching out to friends for support, it just seems impossible to me. I can’t seem to make friends, despite over a decade of trying, who I could really ever discuss being a CSA survivor with. And trust me I’ve tried!

I do have a survivors support group now thanks to our local rape crisis center (woot! Yay for funding resources for survivors!) but that’s not the same thing. I kinda have relationships in my life that feel good in various ways, but discussing my daily struggles living with CPTSD and family estrangement or just, the reality of my life with my current friends is either chronically unhelpful or impossible.

How do I find and make friendships where being my whole self—including a CSA survivor—is even possible? For the record, I would LOVE to be there for others to be their full selves with me and often am in the caregiver role, but talking about like, incest, seems socially unacceptable even as talking about the struggles other people face that I support them with is ok. -Molly

*this question has been edited my be for length and brevity

Hi Molly!

Thanks so much for your question. Whether I’m on a college campus or at a conference with professionals, I get asked all the time about friendship and healing from CSA (I even made the topic a whole chapter in Healing Honestly). And the reason I get asked about it so often is because:

1. We ALL need people and that is a beautiful and messy thing about being alive

2. Friendships are some of the most important relationships of our lives and healing from CSA can be a really hard thing to navigate within them

I say this to first assure you that you are not alone in this struggle. I am grateful for honesty and vulnerability you share in your question because I know there are so many other survivors who are reading your words and deeply resonating with them. I also want to recognize how much courage and chutzpah it takes to put yourself out there as you’ve done with the support groups and you’re amazing.

Let’s talk about some of the big reasons why friendships can be such a struggle and some possible strategies for navigating them. But those strategies may feel right to you, or they may not, or maybe you’ve already tried them a bunch! The key thing I want to say to you is that you are never alone in this and this problem fucking sucks and I think most, if not all of us, can relate to it. We all deserve to live a life where we can be our full selves and not experience other people’s stigma or shame projected at us. You deserve that and so much more.