I am learning to live in the middle

I am a very black-and-white person.

I have a natural tendency to go for extremes. This has led to all kinds of lifestyle experiments over the years.

I was vegan, then high-carb, low-fat vegan, then raw vegan, the last option only for a few days though, my body was not liking it. I have also tried the opposite, low-carb high-fat.

I have done gym every day. I have done no gym at all for two years.

I did zero waste for a while and literally tried to buy everything without packaging. Then I did minimalism and got rid of most of my clothes. Then there was the whole financial-independence-retire-early fad.

I have worked 100 hours a week, and then almost nothing, two hours.

I have travelled with just a small backpack. I have sold all of my belongings several times to start over. But I have also done intense secondhand shopping, buying all manner of quirky objects, from psychedelic trays to 1940s party dresses. There was a phase of loving designer handbags.

The extremes have also been very present in my home and relationships. I have lived in shared houses and spent every minute with people, partying, chatting having fun. And I have lived alone, barely seeing anyone, reading in silence for hours every day.

To put it kindly, balance has not been my strong suit.

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I do not think this is just my personal issue. I think as humans, we are heavily pushed towards extremes.

We are told to optimise and minimise and maximise absolutely every part of our lives. To spend as much time and energy as possible on certain things, and to cut certain parts out completely.

You should maximise your working hours, but also minimise unnecessary work by using AI. You should always get 8 hours of sleep and check your Oura for the quality. But also, you need to get up at 5 am and start hustling.

You should be cooking all your meals from fresh ingredients, but not waste time doing household chores.

Where is the advice on the middle way?

Where is the advice on having things, but not too many. Having money, but not too much. Having fun, but not as much as Charlie Sheen did. Eating well, but with a little chocolate thrown in. Having a nice home, without the pressure of it being like one of the Kardashian mansions.

That advice is missing. And that is why I can not be the only one who has been floating from one extreme to another for years.

For me, the big turning point towards the middle way has been having a family. My partner is someone with a pretty reasonable, feet-on-the-ground kind of approach to things. His only downfall in extremes is screen time, but we can talk about that another day.

Moving in with him already did wonders to balance me out. I haven’t started any extreme lifestyle projects since meeting him.

And then there is the baby. Having a child has put a full stop to my being extreme. I simply don’t have the time or the energy. I cannot keep the house in perfect shape at all times, I cannot eat or move my body perfectly, and I cannot work for hours on end. Any kind of crazy idea of being a minimalist, zero-waste, or having a special diet, you can basically forget about it.

And sleep optimisation, oh please, do not get me started.

You could say that I did not choose the middle way; I was forced into it. The surprise has been that I like it.

It makes me feel more focused on genuinely important things, evaluating what is actually important for my well-being. It makes me more intentional in my decision-making, now that my decisions are not guided by outside motivation or advice. And it makes me happier with smaller wins, eradicating that feeling of “if it’s not the most, the biggest, the greatest, it’s nothing at all”.

I have now not only learned to accept the middle way in the unavoidable things. I have started seeking it actively.I am slowly moving towards a place of just enough in everything.

I am working enough to sustain the lifestyle, but nothing extra. I do my own creative work every week, but not obsessively. I spend time with my child, but I am also more than happy for her to be with her dad or grandmother.

I do meaningful things, like meet new people, read, and have deep conversations. But I also have frivolous free time, like browsing for handbags at El Corte Inglés and watching all the different seasons of Love Is Blind.

I move my body, but I do not count steps or reps. My wardrobe is not minimal, but I also don’t have a massive collection of party dresses I never put on. I eat lots of salad, but also a truckload of mature cheddar.

In regards to child care, I also try to be reasonable. The child will not be drinking Coke, but she can absolutely have a little bit of ensaimada. She will be kept off screens as much as possible, but I doubt that 10 minutes of Peppa Pig will rot her brain.

Our home is far from perfect. It has some things we like (location, light, huge living room) and some things we don’t (a bathroom where everything breaks, a tiny balcony, not enough workspace for any of us). We will look for something more suitable, but in the spirit of good enough, we are not in a rush. We also know that we are in for some serious compromises.

This is a journey of learning and unlearning, and by no means have I become a guru of just enough.

The urge is still there sometimes, to have the perfect house, lots of money, a wine cellar and no cellulite. Or to let it all go completely, sell everything and become a family of digital nomads with backpacks, or to dedicate a lifetime to silent meditation or saving the planet.

The urge to keep working towards something extreme and unattainable is always in the background. Sometimes it still comes out in small bursts of activity, like suddenly donating a bunch of clothes or deciding to eliminate salt from my diet.

But the difference now is that it truly is in the background; it is manageable. I can go about my mediumised life without anxiety or the feeling of having failed.

I have let go of the idea that I will be happier when I have finally managed to optimise some part of my life or another.

As that truly is not where happiness lives.

I can now go to the perfectly average playground with my child on a normal Wednesday afternoon, after doing some hours of my reasonably tolerable freelance work, and think:

this right here really is pretty fine.

What are the things where your baseline is perfection? Is it having good hair every day? Cleaning the kitchen counters every night? Always including salad with your meal? Paying every bill ahead of time?

Pick one of these small areas of perfectionism and leave it imperfect, undone, half-done, or forgotten for a day or two. See if it makes you uncomfortable, or if you actually give yourself a little extra time and relief from pressure.

I am nearing 500 subscribers 🤍

To celebrate, I will be doing a small raffle, where one of you will get a custom illustration made by yours truly.

It will be a digital illustration of something you love — your favourite object, your pet, your reading corner, or a flower you’re especially fond of.

If you’d like to take part, just leave a like or a comment. I’d also love to hear what you might choose if you win.

Looking forward to this 🤍

Wishing you lots of love and light from the Haus of Weis, Aurinna

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