X-Men: Beach House

During our last X-Men marathon, the husbeast decided he wanted a smaller-budget comedy about them just going to the beach. The trailer would still be extremely serious, full of dramatic music as if it were an action-packed blockbuster. I’m possessed by this idea. A few of you had some fun contributions, also, which I’ve attempted to organize here. Enjoy!

Super serious Marvel Studios intro.

SMASH CUT to:

An absolutely demolished Times Square. The X-Men stagger through the smoke, coughing, and gaze on the devastation. Exhausted Scott “Cyclops” Summers plops down on the ground. Smudged and disheveled, with her sunglasses askew, Jubilation “Jubilee” Lee speaks without looking at him.

JUBILEE: We need a vacation.

SMASH CUT to:

Opening titles.

Soundtrack: “Fun Fun Fun” — The Beach Boys

A parody of the superhero “suiting up” montage, only this time it’s luggage being packed and seatbelts buckling.

Exterior country highway, day. A convoy of personal vehicles (and one motorcycle) cruises down the road. Inside one of the cars, we see Scott “Cyclops” Summers driving. Hank “Beast” McCoy is in the passenger seat, trying to read Critique of Pure Reason and blinking hard because the road is too bumpy. Jubilation “Jubilee” Lee leans forward from the back seat to chat. Dialogue reveals that the X-Men need some time to unwind, so they have rented a beach house.

JUBILATION: Everyone is kind of on-edge after last week. We need to keep the powder keg damp, y’know?

SCOTT: That sounds like a job for Jubilation Lee. For this entire weekend, I’m off-duty.

JUBILATION: Oh, really.

SCOTT: Really. I’m not “Cyclops, leader of the X-Men,” I’m just Scott.

HANK: I just want to read my book. (Ronin)

SCOTT: Hank just wants to read his book.

JUBILATION: Good luck.

The convoy arrives at its destination. The first people to step out of their vehicles are Scott, Jubilation, Logan (Wolverine), Marie (Rogue), and Ororo (Storm), all dressed in civilian clothes.

We see this from the perspective of the landlord (preferably played by Steve Martin), who is standing by the front door of the beach house and greets Scott with a friendly wave. As he hands over the keys and discusses checkout time at noon on Sunday, his smile fades. Over Scott’s shoulder, he's noticed Piotr carrying all the groceries at once in full “Colossus” mode, Hank settling into a chair to read and Kurt bamf-ing luggage from the car trunks to the front step. Ororo shields her eyes from the bright sun before creating a small cloud to shade herself.

LANDLORD: Oh. You’re mutants.

SCOTT: [bristling slightly] Is that a problem?

LANDLORD: No, no, uh… I just remembered, though… the deposit has gone up. Haven’t updated the Web site yet. But I still need to pay this place off, you understand.

SCOTT: Uh-huh. How much?

LANDLORD: Thousand, uh, two thousand dollars.

Scott grumpily writes a check.

SCOTT: It’s refundable, right?

LANDLORD: Yeah, of course! [hastily leaving with the check] I’m sure I’ll get the house back just the way I left it!

Scott watches him leave, just as he watches his friends cross paths with him: Logan, wheeling an impossible amount of liquor on a dolly; Marie, remarking how hot it is as she removes some clothing and nearly bumps into Scott, who has a mini-heart attack; and Ororo, shading herself with mini thunderheads that already crackle with lightning. Kurt bamfs to the coast, then back to the house, bringing a splash of sea water and wet sand with him (James Winter). Colossus walks through the low front door and almost forgets to duck in time.

SCOTT: That's it, team meeting! Everyone assemble in the living area!

The group groans and some roll their eyes at this typical Scott behavior. Beast doesn’t complain but claps his book shut with veiled disappointment.

In the living area, Scott lays down ground rules. Logan is technically present but focused on chugging beer cans at an astounding rate. This is ongoing throughout the scene.

SCOTT: We are representing mutantkind at this beach. Therefore, when we leave, we leave the place in absolutely pristine condition. No feet on the coffee table. No tracking in sand. Nobody will be doubling up in the bedrooms because no drama. No powers in the house. No international incidents. No fighting of any kind.

JUBILATION: No problem! Right, Logan?

LOGAN: [absent-minded grunt]

Fade in: “Laugh about It” — Paper Route

A stray lightning bolt from Storm’s little cloud takes out a lamp. Scott sighs.

Smash cut to the exterior beach house, dawn (music continues). A new day begins. Inside, each mutant wakes separately: Ororo. Kurt. Piotr. Jubilation, clearly a morning person. Hank, rubbing his eyes sleepily before resuming the book that was propped open on his chest (Being and Time). Scott, whose eyes we just have to assume are opening because he never takes off his visor. Logan, immediately lighting the cigar that was already in his mouth.

Everyone does their best to have a normal day at the beach: Scott replaces the broken lamp (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Storm and Kurt build a sand castle (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Piotr grills burgers and hot dogs (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Scott examines a scuff mark on the wall inside (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Hank reads Stranger in a Strange Land in a lawn chair next to Marie, who is sunning herself on a towel (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Scott finds a can of paint in the basement (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Ororo goes swimming (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Scott carefully paints over the scuff mark on the wall (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Kurt goes for a walk and waves at some children, who just gape at him (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Music fades out.

Insert some sketches here to pad out the movie.

Scott, Marie, and Storm skip stones along the coast. For the normie audience members, characters should have a conversation explaining the X-Men universe a little.

SCOTT: Oh, I’m sorry, did you have a cruddy life? You only remind us every single time we see you. By all means, then, wipe out the human race.

STORM: You cannot blame him for hating humans.

SCOTT: I can when it makes him mass-murder.

ROGUE: Sorry, Scott, I zone out when you start your lil’ tantrums. Who we talkin’ about?

As they speak, Logan — who has been binge drinking in the distant background — begins punching himself in the face. Incessantly. This continues for some time until he is rag-dolling through the air, up, down, and all around. He crashes into the foreground.

LOGAN: Magneto!

Soundtrack: “I Believe” — KB

Smash cut to Erik (Magneto) walking toward the camera in slow motion (Herman Cillo). Wearing swim trunks, he is accompanied by his adult children, Pietro (Quicksilver), Wanda (Scarlet Witch), and Lorna (Polaris), also in swimwear. Lorna is alternatively manic or depressed each time the camera cuts to her.

Steeling himself, Scott closes the gap between them. He and Erik face off.

SCOTT: Lehnsherr.

ERIK: Summers.

SCOTT: What brings you to the beach?

ERIK: Family fun time.

LORNA: [to Erik, sullen] Family fun sucks.

ERIK: [to Lorna] It was your idea I already rented the beach house we are having family fun!

SCOTT: Does the family fun have to include Logan?

LORNA: [cheerfully] He’s right! It’s too easy!

PEITRO: True.

LORNA: We should humiliate all the X-Men!

ERIK: Agreed.

LORNA: In a game of volleyball!

There is a pause.

WANDA: I guess?

ERIK: [sighing, speaking grudgingly] Summers, would your team… care to join us… for a game of volleyball.

SCOTT: You’re on. But on an equal playing field. No powers.

PIETRO: Aw, man.

JUBILATION: Okay. This’ll be good for us! A real opportunity to build bridges!

ERIK: We’re going to absolutely crush you.

SCOTT: We’re going to absolutely crush you… worse.

JUBILATION: [a little ashamed but still forcing a smile] Great comeback, Scott.

Lorna is already over her idea.

Music still playing over, they play a game of volleyball (CocktailAlchemy). As it progresses, more and more X-Men characters temporarily appear in the background of each team without introduction or explanation (Mortimer “Toad” Toynbee, Fred “Blob” Dukes, and Remy “Gambit” LeBeau on one side; on the other side, Warren “Angel” Worthington, Bobby “Iceman” Drake, and Charles Xavier in his wheelchair on the sand; Xavier is only in one shot). Toad is immediately sent away for using his powers (his tongue). The Brotherhood loses the game because Remy is distracted by Marie’s bikini.

Slow motion shot of Scott, Marie, Storm, and Jubilee celebrating their victory and rubbing it in the deadpan Brotherhood’s face.

Soundtrack: “Love Everybody” — PEABOD

Exterior shot as the sun sets.

After the volleyball game, both sides congregate around the grill and stereo. Insert more sketches here to pad the movie out. The music rapidly fades out as characters speak; conversation establishes more world building for the normies in the audience. This is a sober scene, hinting that the story takes place in a much more serious universe.

SCOTT: All I’m saying is, if we were actually two separate species, we wouldn’t be able to reproduce together so easily. If you really want mutants to inherit the Earth, you shouldn’t be trying to kill humans. You should just encourage mutants to have kids with them. [cynically] Then we could all get back to in-fighting.

ERIK: You don’t think mutants can live in peace?

SCOTT: I don’t think anyone in the history of the universe has lived in peace.

ERIK: Then you understand why mutants have to take necessary measures!

SCOTT: Come on! That doesn’t mean killing is good!

ERIK: Do you want to be good or alive?

Every time Scott tries to take a bite of his hotdog, Pietro makes it disappear from his hand. Frustrated, Scott touches his sunglasses, tempted to use his powers (MrHyde), but he resists.

ERIK: By the way, Summers… I’m sorry for your loss. Truly.

SCOTT: [surprised] Well… thank you…

There is a long pause as they regard each other.

SCOTT: Thank you.

Erik nods. Silently, he raises his solo cup. Scott toasts with his own, but before he can drink, Pietro snatches the cup from his hand with super speed. Erik pretends not to be amused.

At the other end of the yard, Jubilee sets off fireworks into the darkening sky, controlling them in such a way that it’s quite a show. For now, the X-Men and the Brotherhood seem to be mostly enjoying each other’s company. Kurt, noticing that their noise mildly annoys the middle-aged humans in the neighboring yard, bamfs over. From their expressions, it’s clear they are much more disturbed by Nightcrawler than anything else that’s happening on the beach, but they remain calm, and are clearly smug about how good they are at remaining calm.

NIGHTCRAWLER: I apologize for the noise. My friends can get carried away.

NEIGHBOR #2: My parents were civil rights activists. We're very inclusive.

NEIGHBOR #1: We just came for a quiet weekend.

KURT: Yes! I understand! All day I have just been trying to find a quiet place to pray my rosary—

NEIGHBOR #2: Oh, God, it’s Catholic!

NEIGHBOR #1: Can’t you people understand we don’t want your kind here?!

NEIGHBOR #2: Get out of our yard!!! Get out!!!

Kurt trudges away, dejected and adorable. The mutants at the beach house watch him trudge back to them.

WANDA: What happened?

KURT: Oh. It's nothing.

ORORO: Who could be cruel enough to hurt Kurt Wagner, of all people? My sweet Kurt?

WANDA: Just because he's blue?

SCOTT: It's a cruel world…

Ororo causes a sudden downpour of rain to drive the neighbors indoors. Erik finds this hilarious.

SCOTT: Ororo!

ORORO: They deserve worse. I’m making the fluid in their inner ear churn so they’ll have vertigo.

WANDA: [one hand outstretched toward the neighbors’ house, parallel to Ororo’s] I’m making their pants ride up a little.

ERIK: I’m loosening their hub caps. [screaming] This is for the mutants!

ORORO: I hope their milk expires. I hope their socks are all mismatched and their wi-fi is slow.

WANDA: On it.

ORORO: [gradually building from coldness to rage] I hope they come home to find their water pipes have burst and their oncologist left voice mail. I hope their children disown them—

SCOTT: Whoa, whoa!

ERIK: I always liked you, Storm.

SCOTT: Ease up! Don’t people have enough excuses to hate us? You know what happened when we arrived last night? The landlord made me pay an extra two thousand dollars in deposit.

ORORO: Aha!

HANK: So that’s why your attitude suddenly changed!

SCOTT: Do you think I like being the bad guy all the time? Huh? You think I don’t notice the way the laughter dies as soon as I walk into the room? You think I don’t want to cut loose with the fellas?

PIETRO: The “fellas”?

SCOTT: You know why I’m like this?! I’m like this because the entire world already hates me and that’s before I lose control and concussive force explodes out of my eyeballs!

ERIK: What did Charles do to you, boy? There’s a big, empty sky right above you! Go ahead and lose control!

JUBILATION: Yeah, do it!

EVERYONE: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Scott ponders for a moment. Finally, almost smiling, he tilts his head back, pushes down his visor, and blasts a beacon of ruby red light into the night sky. Everyone cheers.

Moments later, a distant roaring approaches, and Scott’s smile fades as an airplane careens overhead and crashes into the sea.

We take a moment to consider what's happened.

KURT: I got it!

Kurt bamfs away and reappears with a survivor. As more and more stunned, scared people appear on the patio, an ashamed Scott storms into the beach house.

Soundtrack: very dramatic Hans Zimmer style music

In one continuous shot, we watch him stalk around the property. Logan has trashed the living area with beer cans and liquor bottles, and he’s still working on it. Lovestruck Marie is watching Remy mess up the kitchen cooking Cajun food. (Ronin) Scott moves to open a door only to for the knob to break off in his hand. Entering the dark room, he tries to switch on a tall and narrow dehumidifier, but it falls apart in three slices.

SCOTT: Logan…!

Gathering up the broken pieces, Scott doubles back the way he came. Jubilation is behind him, startling him.

JUBILATION: Sorry, Scott.

SCOTT: It’s fine. It’s fine. Your purpose in life is to have fun and my purpose is to wreck it.

JUBILATION: Look, I’m doing my best to keep it light around here!

SCOTT: Oh, you’re keeping it light! If you set off any more fireworks, we’re probably getting a noise complaint! Is that what you want? A noise complaint?!

JUBILATION: Well, maybe you should make your own happiness for once instead of sucking everyone around you dry!

SCOTT: I didn’t ask you to do me any favors.

JUBILATION: Fine, then I won’t!

They both storm back the way they came. Already, the kitchen is worse than it was a moment ago. Remy and Marie are about to kiss. Scott makes a loud, coughing, don’t you dare noise and they jump apart. Kurt bamfs into Scott’s path, between him and Jubilation.

KURT: No casualties from the plane crash. I called EMS—

Scott slips on the seawater that came in with Kurt, hitting the floor hard.

KURT: Ah… I am sorry, Mein Freund…

Scott keeps walking. Back in the living area, Logan and Storm are making out. Scott almost brings up the dehumidifier but thinks better of it. He tries to stuff the pieces and some beer cans into a garbage bag but he is rapidly overwhelmed by the outrageous amount of garbage that keeps tumbling into the shot. He decides to take a drink instead. Once again, Pietro snatches it from his hand and disappears. Scott loses his temper this time, sending a streak of red through the house and cutting it in half.

The music stops abruptly. Inside and outside, everyone stares.

LOGAN: Cool it, bub, this place is a rental.

Scott is dejected. As he turns to drag the open, half-filled garbage bag to the front door, Jubilation is there, opening it herself. On the other side, we find the way blocked by Jean “Dark Phoenix” Grey, her form rippling with flame.

Jubilation slams the door.

JUBILATION: Scott, your wife is back from the dead!

Soundtrack: “Lose Yourself / Kashmir” Mashup — Silvermain

The door is knocked down in a blast of fiery energy. Jubilation is pinned under the door.

DARK PHOENIX: Scott!

Reverse shot. Scott is disappointed but trying to appear excited. Logan, wading through a sea of empty beer cans, is excited but trying to appear neutral. In the background, Colossus walks through a low door and takes part of the lintel with him (Greg). Scott doesn't have to look to know it's happened. He breathes deeply through his nose.

Dark Phoenix approaches.

DARK PHOENIX: Scott. You aren't happy to see me.

SCOTT: Well, Jean, its been a rough week.

DARK PHOENIX: If you like, I can transform into a black hole and jump across space—

SCOTT/LOGAN: No!

LOGAN: Don't go.

SCOTT: Not in the house!

As the Dark Phoenix closes in, she's clearly reading Scott's mind.

DARK PHOENIX: You're worried about… [quizzical] this beach house?

She touches the wall. The scuff mark Scott painted over returns before the whole wall begins crumbling.

DARK PHOENIX: Sweetie. In the cycle of life, decay, and rebirth… this place is clearly in decay. Let me help you.

The Phoenix glows brighter.

SCOTT: And when you’re done helping with the house?

DARK PHOENIX: I’ll help with the rest of the cosmos!

SCOTT: Yeah, I was afraid of that. Logan?

Logan rushes Colossus.

LOGAN: I’m ready to get hurt again.

Colossus clasps Logan’s wrists and hurls him at Dark Phoenix. Logan’s claws extend. In an instant, Phoenix has burned the flesh off his adamantium bones. She flicks her hand at Colossus, whose haunting scream fades as his metal form melts into a puddle.

Scott falls to his knees.

SCOTT: No!

Rogue bursts out of the kitchen, her glow revealing she’s taken Gambit’s powers. Furniture glows fuschia before lunging forward with kinetic energy. She throws everything in the room at Phoenix before being brutally defeated.

A heavy, hardback book — Atlas Shrugged — bounces off the back of Phoenix’s head before Beast hurls himself through the front door, bravely facing doom. We don’t get a good look at what the cosmic flame does to him but we get the impression it’s really bad.

Scott whips off his sunglasses. The optic blast takes out that entire side of the house, but, unsurprising to him, the ruby-red energy only mildly annoys Phoenix. She sends him a warning glance. The house is burning now.

SCOTT: Jean, focus. Listen to my emotions. The emotions of all the people around you. We want to live!

Still on the couch in the living area, Storm focuses. Through the window behind her, we see the ocean waves rearing up high. An exterior shot shows a small tsunami slamming into the beach house. The fire is extinguished, but the water does plenty of its own damage, soaking Scott in the process.

Lightning flashes indoors. Moments later, Storm and Phoenix are rising through a hole in the roof and fighting in the clouds of a hurricane. Phoenix extends her hands, and suddenly the raindrops blowing around them are hissing when they make contact with the cringing Storm’s skin. The humans below flee acid rain. Nightcrawler bamfs into the neighbors’ house, where they are watching from the window, and the three of them disappear moments later.

Phoenix descends back into the house, alone, as the hurricane subsides. All around Scott, she slowly tears the house down to its foundations. He watches in despair.

Jubilation comes to and heaves the broken door off herself. She sees the Wolverine’s skeleton and picks it up by the shoulders.

JUBILATION: Logan? Are you okay?!

The skull droops.

PHOENIX: [to Scott] This world will be remade. But before we can be reborn, we must die.

JUBILATION: [off-camera] Scott?

Cut to furious Jubilee, who is dropping the skeleton and lowering her sunglasses over her eyes. Her skin and flesh gradually go transparent. Her skeleton is aglow.

JUBILEE: [to Scott] Run. Hey, Phoenix! You aren't the only one who can work at an atomic level!

As the women face each other, their power building, Scott flees. He dives as the beach house behind him explodes. The blast claps and pops for some time. The plane crash survivors are destroyed, the ambulances are destroyed, the X-Men are destroyed. Cut to Erik and family, passively watching from a safe distance. Pietro sips from a beer.

Finally, we see Jubilee absorbing the energy back into herself before she collapses in the rubble. Fade to black.

The next morning:

Scott is standing in the driveway with a paint roller, a shop vacuum, and the thousand-yard stare of a man who has seen things (James Winter). A reverse shot reveals how laughably pointless the effort will be. Scott, in denial, wanders through the wreckage a bit and tries to salvage what he can.

Jubilee appears at his side and pats his shoulder.

JUBILATION: You’re gonna need more than one can of paint.

Scott says nothing.

JUBILATION: Uh… sorry for killing your wife.

SCOTT: [gradually coming around] Eh, she'll be back. [another pause] Thanks for everything this weekend.

JUBILATION: It’s the least I can do, buddy.

The landlord arrives. He has an appropriate freakout as he moves through the wreckage.

LANDLORD: You know, as I drove here, I was watching the sky for falling giant robots. I should have been watching the horizon for a smoking war zone! What did you do this weekend, make your own plutonium?! I took on half a million dollars in debt to invest in this property! Your little deposit won’t even cover the cost of bulldozing the lot, not to mention all the rent I won’t make this year! I’m a childless old man living off social security. Selling this place was going to be my retirement fund! DOES ANYONE WANT TO BUY A SMOLDERING PILE OF TOOTHPICKS?!

SCOTT: I’m so sorry. My wife is possessed by an immortal cosmic entity.

LANDLORD: Oh, well in that case! Things happen!!!

SCOTT: Yeah, you know, things do happen! And I might as well let them happen from now on, know why? That’s life!

JUBILATION: That’s life.

SCOTT: And more importantly, my dad is fricking loaded!

JUBILATION: Yeah!

SCOTT: We could destroy the entire boardwalk and rebuild it tomorrow! Who cares?! Who the frick cares? Frick it! Frick everything!

JUBILATION: Fuck you, landlord!

SCOTT: [quickly covering for her] Oh no, but not you. I do apologize about the house.

Before Scott can offer to rebuild the beach house, the rubble shifts. Cosmic flames rise once more as the Phoenix appears. She rebuilds the house better than ever. One by one, we establish that everyone has survived (or been resurrected since) the fight. Jubilation runs to give Logan a hug as he watches a bottle of whiskey materialize in his hand. All is well. Next door, Kurt is explaining to the neighbors that there are no hard feelings.

KURT: The Lord teaches us to pray, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” The mercy we show others is the mercy that will be shown to us.

NEIGHBOR #2: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. This is not what America is about!

NEIGHBOR #1: Don’t you know they want to put you in a death camp?

Phoenix descends at Scott's side and stares at the landlord until he returns the deposit check. Jubilation slowly creeps out of the shot.

SCOTT: Welcome back, honey. Feeling better?

PHOENIX: Feeling much, much better.

They kiss long and deeply.

PHOENIX: Let's have a baby.

SCOTT: [profoundly unhappy] okay

Smash cut to credits.

X-Men! They’re comedy gold! Thanks for joining me on this silly adventure.