Extend your stay

I fear I must be added to the list of ‘Muslims that say ‘Ramadan passed by in a blink of an eye this year!’’ every single year. This month was better than I would have ever hoped even though it was so different to what I usually experience. It encompassed so much beauty and was laced with so many lessons.

I spent most of March with my little sister away from the rest of our family. In order to combat my homesickness and my longing for a familiar Ramadan, I tried to implement some of the things that my mum used to do to make the house feel prepared for the month. A quick deep-ish clean, a lot of fairy lights, a nice candle, surat al-baqarah on in the background, and a warm home-cooked meal to welcome the month with open arms.

Auntie Farhana invited us for the first iftar of Ramadan, a gesture that left a lasting imprint on me. The food she made was unreal, the karak chai was delicious, the house was warm, the lights were dim - all of it helped create the perfect healing evening. I sat with Maaria before taraweeh and cried relentlessly over (looking back at it now) nothing at all, but I felt so validated and heard. Later on during the night, all 5 of us sat on the sofa together; eating dessert, sipping tea, and talking about eggplant curries, pakistan, and recipe videos. I had the most perfect mango lassie. I thought about my mum and cried.

The Sunday after, I walked in the sun to our local Turkish shop, bought some Arabic courgettes and canned mangoes, and made makhshi for the first time while Nour recreated the drink from the night before. I lit a candle, prayed alone at night, and felt very comforted amidst all the loud chaos in my mind.

I tried to make a habit of praying taraweeh whether at home or at the masjid. I tried out a few new mosques (shoutout Al Manar in Westbourne Park), I had iftar with my friends, I went on walks, I worked in the office, I went to site, I cooked so many new things, I cut out coffee for 20 days (just for fun), I went to coffee shops with my friends after my coffee detox, I went to yoga once and accidentally abandoned any form of sport throughout the month, I had a few severe breakdowns (and yet, nothing to write home about), I had the best chocolate cake of my life (twice). I had beautiful 1-1s with my friends that recharged me; over Chinese food, over the phone, past midnight after everyone has left, sitting on the grass with a mint hot chcoc, a walk after dinner.

One of my favourite memories of the month was the group iftar Nour and I held at our house - it was such a beautiful and wholesome gathering that helped me realise just how important it is to take that first awkward step when it comes to friendships. If I didn’t approach a couple of girls at Muay Thai, if Nour didn’t introduce me to her friend’s sisters over a cup of karak chai, if I didn’t step out of that very solid comfort zone, I wouldn’t have the best friends that I have now. I’m so grateful that I’m surrounded by people who inspire me immensely and who’s company feels so natural and so real. Iced lattes, tulips, disposable plates and forks, my mum’s recipes, and group taraweeh. It’s such a blessing to be able to open my heart and feel the way I do about my friends.

My best friend invited me to her and her sister’s flat and I had the loveliest iftar - a feast of Sri Lankan food, a BEAUTIFUL funny baby constantly saying ambohhh, and a pet that (I think?) loves me (crazy!). We went on a walk near the canal and under the moonlight after dinner; talked about life, our hatred towards narcissistic men, and how kind Allah is from removing them from our lives in the most random ways imaginable. A very uplifting and healing hour that I thought of consistently throughout the month.

Fasting at my new job for the first time was fun. I took naps in the prayer room during my (adjusted) lunch break. I gave a presentation about Ramadan, which I really enjoyed doing. I got asked ‘How’s the fasting going?’ by my manager and most of my team almost every day, which I appreciated. I had lovely convos with the Muslims at work about it all; 15 minute convos at the end of the work day with the IT bros, weekly catch ups with the first person I met at the company where there was a lot of venting about Ealing (me), venting about Al Manar (him), venting about how quick this month passed by (both of us).

There were a lot of little moments during the month that I hope become etched in my memories forever. On one of the earlier nights of the month, I prayed taraweeh with my friends and then went and got chai. We had to go back to the masjid to get something and a wonderful man opened it for us, waited outside, and then said a lot of kind prayers to us as we left. As we were waiting for our Uber, another lovely brother offered us milk cakes that he didn’t sell that day and refused to take any money for them. He was so kind and it was honestly such a lovely gesture, my heart felt so full. AlhamduliAllah for a beautiful Muslim community and alhamduliAllah for wonderful Ramadan nights.

On another night, after another Taraweeh, we went to the opening of a new cafe and the owner gave us free karak. Spanish lattes, cheesecake, Huda showing us pictures of her trying on wedding dresses. How quickly time flies. How blessed I am to have friends like these in my life.

I appreciated my moments of solitude this month. Tuesday after work, I bought a meal deal, went on a walk, and broke my fast while watching the sunset and the crescent moon. Afterwards, I went straight to Al Manar, and read Quran until it was time for Taraweeh. I saw someone take their shahadah and I cried and cried and cried. I saw my friend and her mum. I spoke to my baby sister on the phone. The security guards outside the masjid were lovely. It felt like an incredibly serene night.

There was another Tuesday after work where I got home after sunset, ate a date, and then almost burst into happy tears. Sometimes you just can’t believe that a small dried fruit would be the exact thing you need at a moment in time.

I turned 25, my sister took me to Eat Tokyo, we had bento boxes and matcha, and ended the night with a call to our parents and then our uncle - laughing the whole time.

There was a Saturday afternoon where I felt so uncomfortable, so anxious, so physically incapable of making a decision. I remember saying over and over ‘I just want Allah to make this decision for me, I don’t want to choose’, and each time I heard the same (mostly valid) response of ‘you’re going to have to make a decision yourself, because this is not how things go’. Later on, 3 AM, after a Qiyam prayer where I was fully distracted, I received a sign that was so clear, and an answer to all my confused duaas. I will always be so grateful that I felt that kindness so clearly and in full force when I needed it the most. It taught me to fully trust in Allah, to try and do my part, and to let it go afterwards - everything else will align.

I travelled to see my family and ended up being on a nearly empty plane, which made me feel like a kid again. I read Quran, drank many cups of tea, and had my takeaway blueberry muffin while looking out the window, thinking about how differently I felt at that moment in time to last year.

I spent the last few days of ramadan reunited with my family; sleeping, praying at the masjid, eating mama’s home-cooked meals, feeling the sun on my face, having drinks with my siblings after taraweeh and before qiyam - catching up on months of experiences that haven’t been shared.

Looking back now, I experienced Allah’s kindness so many times this month; in a sweet date after a long day of fasting, Qiyam at the masjid with my friends, reuniting with my family after months apart, the sun on my face after being deprived from it, halaqat with the people I love. I experienced this kindness a lot in past Ramadans too; Qiyam at the masjid with my aunt, being a part of Auntie Nourhan’s community iftars, coffee runs at night with baba, memorising Quran with my siblings on the floor of our bedroom in Jordan.

Sometimes I’ll get extremely nervous before Ramadan comes around, and I’ll feel worried about having to break my bad habits and worried about whether I’ll be able to do so and worried about whether I’ll even want to do so. I realised this year that the feeling of spirituality that the month brings actually comes from you firstly and your surroundings after, but you will need both in order to push through. I’m thankful that Allah has placed me in an environment fitting for me this Ramadan, and I’m thankful that my nervousness faded bit by bit as each day passed.

This month taught me a lot; about community and love and family and mercy. It taught me about the power of a sincere duaa and letting go. It reminded me of the strength of little acts of kindness and their lasting impact throughout my life. I hope Allah allows me to experience all of these blessings again and again and again, and I hope I live to see another beautiful Ramadan.