A Winter Weekend in Istanbul

I floated through November and December in a fog; the quickest months of the past year passing me by with a heaviness on my heart regarding my purpose and the same crushing loneliness of the recent (is it recent?) move.

Again. I was starting to lose sight of myself, again.

I wish I had more guidance. I wish I had an action plan. I wish someone analysed the way I lived my life and gave me pointers on how to fix it and myself. How to be, how to act, what to do - step by step by step.

The second half of the year has been a vicious cycle of constantly numbing myself to the pain of what’s happening in Palestine, in Sudan, to our political prisoners in the UK and around the world by fixating on things such as my job, my lack of friends, my unread text messages, my horrible routine, my, my, my.

Again. I was starting to lose sight of the only thing that truly matters, again.

I ended up taking a very last minute trip to Istanbul with my siblings for a short weekend and spending some of the most inspiring days of this year after what felt like a month of gloom and despair, alhamduliAllah. I learned so much and met a lot of people that I will be thinking about for the rest of my life and I honestly believe that those couple of days were a beautiful miracle, reminding me of Allah’s kindness and mercy towards me at a time where I needed it the most.

Again, always again.

I realised I have been doing so little in the past year, and it made me feel so small, in a much needed way. I’m not doing enough. Actually, I don’t think anything I do will ever be enough, but especially now. This was a good (necessary) feeling to have, and I tried to look at it from a way that will help motivate rather than paralyse me. Those few days moved me to reevaluate my life and figure out a different plan. I’ve been thinking about studying again. I don’t know if I will, but it’s something that has called out to me a lot recently. I’m trying to not beat myself up about the past, and just take this learning experience as fuel for the future, inshAllah. All I know is that I have to do more, there is no choice.

One of the biggest things I’ve been thinking about recently is how my existentialism should not be given power or much thought. Constantly wondering about my purpose and fulfilment, I realise that I am lucky enough that the answer has been given to me since birth - worship, community, not thinking about myself in isolation.

I took a lot of notes on things I want to learn more about and reminders to keep coming back to:

Reminders:

• The system is rigged and unfair and you will not be able to change it with the tools of the oppressor (The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House)

• Community, organisation, organised action is what’s going to keep me (us!) going

• Life is too short to be stuck in a neoliberal slumber, a career cycle trap where it’s me, myself, and I

• Like we obsess over dunya (this life), we should be obsessing over deen (our religion)

• We are the generation we have been waiting for / no one is coming to save us

• Always have a notebook that you can dump your thoughts in / always be inspired / always contemplate

• You can’t have a vision in your future if you can’t be present in your salah (prayer) with your Creator. Salah is not just calibration, it’s discipline.

• We need to memorise all the dates to important events of our history by heart

To Read (About):

• The Opening of Istanbul

• Mosab Bin Umair

• The Student Battalion

• Al-Jarmaq

• Seerah

A little about the trip; on our first afternoon there, my sister and I got lost in a taxi, had the worst corn on the cob known to man, and then ended up praying maghrib at Hagia Sophia. We ate cosy food in a tiny restaurant, walked to get some tea, and yapped the entire way home. I slept at 9:30, immensely grateful, a feeling reminiscent of a beautiful day out as a kid.

I encountered a lot of people on this trip that cemented my belief in soulmates - how lucky we are to be blessed by an unexpected comfortableness, by souls that end up recognising each other in this life upon a first meeting.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the girls I met on this trip, and how I felt like I have known them from years before - Fatima, Jinan, Nuha, Manar, Leanne, Linda. A big worry of mine has always been about not being able to find a love that feels familiar, but in such a short period of time, I met genuine, kind-hearted, funny, (beyond) inspiring people from completely different parts of the world, and I instantly connected with them as if I have known them for years. Please never underestimate the power of meeting people who are so deeply true to who they are and what they believe in, it will change you for the better infinitely.

Some of my favourite memories of this year fell within these 72 hours - sitting with the girls after dinner (doner!) discussing politics and getting to hear everyone’s (strong) opinions, an afternoon car ride on our last day listening to Fadel Chaker and nasheeds I grew up listening to on cassettes, praying Fajr in Hagia Sophia and then running into Omar Sulaiman after Salah (who is such a sweetheart btw - do meet your heroes! you’ll learn a lot from them).

Walking the streets of Istanbul during the winter was such a beautiful experience too; sun shining through frosty windows, fairy lights, cobbled streets, a masjid on every corner, hands in pockets, arms linked, my friend’s head resting on my shoulder at a cafe, in a car, sitting at the hotel lobby.

The same trip to the same coffee shop a countless number of times, a slightly illegal number of us squished in the backseat of a small taxi, a brisk walk near the sea at sunrise, the lovely Syrian man giving us 100 samples of the best turkish delight that I have ever tried, celebrating Nour’s birthday with a spoon lodged inside a cheesecake.

I managed to pray alone and in congregation, to make duaa before I slept, to reflect on the people around me and myself. I learned that everyone’s activism and worship will look different, and a lot of the work that others do will be a lot more inspiring than what I do, and that’s completely okay.

I remain in awe of the love that continues to surround me, us.

I’m so grateful to have experienced such a beautiful and inspiring end to the year, full of pure devotion and brotherhood, and I pray that I can continue this momentum into the new year, inshAllah. <3