These are some interesting times. Good and bad. There’s an all out assault on LGBTQIA+ lives in Florida and other states, those states are rolling back on gender affirming healthcare and abortions. Although we are coming up on June and it's what’s supposed to be “our time to shine”, our time to celebrate; I can’t help but think of the people that are losing something that so many of us take for granted. I think about 2 weeks ago how I finally had a surgery that I hope will provide some ease from the endo. But I think about others who have to leave their state for what they hope will be better care.
I’m thankful and grateful that I had a surgery that I’ve been trying to have for years. Thankful that my recovery at this point appears to be going well and quicker than we anticipated…….
I was supposed to resume writing this newsletter when I returned from a friend’s birthday party. Unfortunately, I was randomly sucker punched on public transportation en route and went to the er after experiencing cluster headaches. Although there’s no head trauma, they made another potential discovery that will continue to be monitored. I was devastated. I was hurt. I was angry. I’m 2 weeks post op from another surgery which is going well. But the back to back surgeries have taken a toll. I realized this when the medical ER team came in and said two triggering words. Very small *____ ____ * but your thoracic team will discuss next steps.
I snapped. I yelled. I screamed. I cried loudly for at least a few minutes. I repeatedly hit my hand on the bed yelling why! why! My partner was by my side trying to calm me down. The nice ER team apologized seeing my records of numerous procedures and my other non lung surgery from 2 weeks ago even though it wasn’t their fault. They were doing their job. “You have to be overwhelmed” “ we’re sorry for adding something else to your plate”.
I was also shocked over the quick attack. To have this happen in a community that I always defend and work and live in. To have this happen as I recall also being a rowdy teen (not to the extent of assaulting people though) and saying “kids will be kids, stop attacking our Black youth”. There’s so many layers to this topic but I may write about that another time as that too ties into health.
Between the attack, the surgeries, healing my physical and mental health, it’s time to relax. Yes, June is around the corner and this Black, working class, butch lesbian is going to relax. Because I expected to be in hard recovery for 6-8 weeks, I was like well there’s May and June so I planned to be in recovery this pride season. However as mentioned the recovery is a highlight and a blessing. At first, I felt the urge to see if I could squeeze into any events next month until I thought about it. Pride is 365. I will celebrate at places as I’m able but in a society that pits us against each other, “gives us a month” where we are expected to and supposed to show our worth, plead for funds, and squeeze everything in those 4 weeks to spread awareness.
Honestly, How much more awareness does this society need to see our humanity? How many more rights need to be taken away from us? How many more performances and trauma porn need to happen? How many more games are there in the oppression olympics that the L’s, B’s, G’s, T’s, Q’s, are expected to play against each other? How many more times will I hear from media sources as a butch lesbian that “your endo story would be more interesting if you were “*insert another letter here*? How many more trainings, DEI discussions does everyone need? The problem is that everyone and we’re all guilty of this, is not liking the messenger because all of the information we need is already here-you just dislike who gives you said information.
As I relax, or attempt to, I will continue with this work-even if you dislike me for whatever reason. Whether it’s receiving “more opportunities” than you, you being in some weird perceived competition “a boring story”, dealing with your own biases, low self esteem or insecurities, not wanting to piss off the “higher ups” or whatever it is. I’ll see you all soon and remember to celebrate yourselves 365 (366 on a leap year)!
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