Netflix and chill. An open invite to come over and watch a movie or some sort of sick depraved sexual innuendo? Regardless of the texting code that you choose when suggesting a friend come over and consume mindless content, the biggest question is what on earth are we going to watch? With so many streaming options containing millions of hours of shows and movies there’s an endless number of options in the cultural programming department to hypnotize you. You may be looking for a good laugh or just want to be entertained for a few hours but in the end platforms such as Netflix lead to permanent brain rot.
It’s a distraction by design to keep you obedient and ignorant for you don’t end up challenging the existing structural hierarchy. Instead of your traditional 13 channels on television and five current good movies to rent from Blockbuster, you are now inundated with a matrix of choices. The buyer’s paradox if you will. Good wholesome movies from the 80s and 90s are no more, instead we have an insufferable lineup of Kevin Hart movies. We no longer have a monoculture where America identifies with an identifiable storyline that captures the national audience, instead we have a fragmented society picking and choosing from a never-ending array of bad television shows and movies. In modern times the cultural heap is a heap of shit.
If you’re anything like me, it usually takes me at least 40 minutes to settle on a show or movie that I can enjoy with my special someone. A compromise must be met when trying to find something new and original or classic and memorable. Whether finding a new show to binge watch or a movie that satisfies the psychological needs of both genders, a great amount of time is spent in settling on an evening’s entertainment. Fuck going for a sunset walk or learning how to trim a bonsai tree, no my precious leisure time is spent on scanning an endless library of televised amusement. The time it takes me to find that perfect program we could’ve been on a second episode or halfway through a movie. You’ve heard of paralysis by analysis but every time I turn on a streaming platform, I become a full-fledged quadriplegic in executing a final decision.
Whether it’s Action, Adventure, Anime, Family, Comedy, Crime, Documentary, Drama, Fantasy, History, Horror, International Intrigue, LGBTQ+, Mystery, Reality TV, Rom-Com, Science Fiction (Sci-Fi), Sports, Thriller, TV Shows, War, Western, Superhero, Psychological, Supernatural, Teen, Stand-Up Comedy, True Crime, Independent Films, Classic Movies, Cult Classics, Holiday, Food & Travel, Nature & Wildlife, Faith & Spirituality, Period Pieces, Shitty Adam Sandler Family Comedies, Martial Arts, Zombie Horror/Romance, Feel-Good Movies, Award-Winning Movies, with so many genres you could be up all night going through all the possibilities. Not to mention the user interface of Netflix and other platforms makes it easy to rapidly scan turning the user service into a carnival ride. There are far too many options and it’s way too time consuming in making a formatted decision on what too consume. By the time you watch the movie trailers and doom scroll through the reviews it’s well after midnight and you give up on your intimate watch party for the evening.
Every Friday evening, I like to sit my ass down and mindlessly watch a show or two on one of my streaming platforms. I go balls out and have Netflix, Prime Video, Disney+, Hulu, Max, Apple TV+, Paramount+, Peacock, Crunchyroll, AMC+, Starz, MGM+, BritBox, Acorn TV, Discovery+, ESPN+, Shudder, Mubi, Criterion Channel, Hallmark+, PBS Passport, BET+, ALLBLK, ViX, Tubi, Pluto TV, The Roku Channel, Freevee, Sling Freestream, Plex, Kanopy, Hoopla, YouTube, YouTube TV, Fubo, Sling TV, Philo, DirecTV Stream. Those are just a couple to choose from. Sipping on a Fresca, the difficult decision of what to watch takes shape. I’m feeling like some 80s ultra-violence or a Kubrick film while my fellow watcher is feeling more Rom-Com or something featuring Paul Rudd. Looking for common ground, it’ll take us the better part of the evening to settle on something. Suggesting Delta Force 2, paying tribute to the recent passing of Chuck Norris, the lady wants to watch Always Be My Maybe. Moving on I suggest A Clockwork Orange while she prefers Emily in Paris. Not coming to a definitive choice, we continue searching while time’s a wasting.
After an hour and a half of intense scrutiny we still haven’t made a formidable choice on what to watch. We could’ve been halfway through Braveheart by now but instead we keep jumping from platform to platform to see if Mad Max 3 is available. It comes up on Tubi, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay $3.99 to watch Mel and Tina Turner take center stage in the Thunderdome. Suggesting Human Centipede, I explain to my lady the concept and she decides she doesn’t need to watch that. Stumbling upon Scarface, it’s on HBO but we have to watch ads, which I’m not willing to do. What happened to Home Box Office!?! It used to be touted for having no advertisements, now when you press the pause button on your HBO original show an ad for eat at Burger King pops up. The hunt for the perfect cultural piece goes on and the clock is pushing midnight.
Not fully knowing if we should watch a documentary or a motion picture our search deepens. The lady thinks that watching a few episodes of Love is Blind Mongolia may be a winning ticket, but I refute this suggestion. Nearly 3.5 hours in, we could’ve watched the entirety of Apocalypse Now Redux by now. Instead of surfing on Netflix, we could’ve watched the scene where Martin Sheen goes to the French rubber plantation and things get all weird around the dinner party. Nope, but instead we’re flinging pud trying to lock in at that perfect cultural enigma. It may be elusive, but I feel we’re right around the corner from finding that perfect compromise.
At 1:30 am we’ve given up on the whole movie selection process. We can’t come to an agreement and we’re getting sleepy. We’ve already enjoyed the microwave popcorn and ice cream bowls without actually watching anything. Utilizing the Netflix feature “Choose Something” the algorithm selects Brokeback Mountain. This Ang Lee classic features Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall as two cowboy lovers in Wyoming set in the 60s. With memorable acting performances, pushing cultural boundaries 20 years ago, this emotional storyline a couple of ranch hands going bareback in the tipi. Since we couldn’t come to a definitive decision, our overlords at Netflix, decide that Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist embracing each other in a motel parking lot is the best fit for us.
How I yearn for my childhood and adolescence when it was easier to decide on what to watch. You maybe had 5-10 choices; you came to an agreement and that was that. Maybe the movie or show sucked but at least it was easier to come to a conclusion after a serious 5-minute debate. Everyone gathered around the stupid box and the experience was shared without smartphones diverting people’s attention capacity. Fast forward 30 years and there is an endless supply of old movies and shows that hint at a glimpse of nostalgia compounded with fake ass reality tv shows to bizarro docs, where a trainer falls in love with a dolphin. With so many choices, life’s precious moments are lost when deciding what to watch. So do yourself a favor and utilize the “Choose Something” feature on Netflix. It will save you endless hours and spare you frustration. Trust the algorithm when it nudges you into gay cowboy romances.
Brian Ss
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