Dear Mr. President

Dear President Biden or President Trump,

This is, in fact, a real request to the fedcoats to forward this to whichever president is in office when you find it. (Or to the appropriate staff in charge of pushing pardons in front of the President to sign.) I would like to request a preemptive pardon for all federal tax offenses from the year 2025 through, say, 2080. It’s just, like, super lame to have to file tax returns and pay taxes. Since it appears that preemptive pardons are a thing now, I am respectfully requesting a free pass on having to deal with filing returns and forking over money. Also, we kind of all know that the tax revenues don’t cover the spending, so I doubt my preemptive pardon would interfere with D.C.’s ability to borrow from the “Federal” “Reserve” and spend (inflate) anyway.

The way I see it, it’s a win-win! A win for me, I can forgo the arduous pain of bending my books over and spreading my financial sheets for inspection1, to provide a nugget of my year’s modest take in a highly symbolic ritual to cover one of those Pentagon toilet seats, or some empty federal office space, or making pennies, or whatever it covers exactly. I’m about as good at math as D.C. is. It’s a win for D.C., because frankly, who cares? I don’t contribute enough to make or break your $1.8 trillion deficits, so it will still be business as usual for you. The government can still do what it does without me, right?

In the grand scheme of things, me filing and paying federal taxes is performance art at best, not even side stage for the American Empire.

Please feel free to call or email me if you would like to discuss further. I’m sure you have my cell number, email, etc. in a dissident file already.

Sincerely,

Gringo Luminoso