DISCLAIMER: No AI was used in the writing of this article.
Adult life is too difficult and too anonymous that it feels as though it’s something to numb and avoid. But it is in that difficulty and anonymity that you have the opportunity to form a life that isn’t built on coping mechanisms and fear.
Last week, I read this quote that said, “Do it for the 80 year old you that is sitting there thinking ‘I’m so glad I did that.’”
And I really do believe that you deserve to live a life where both your 80 year old self and your 12 year old self, who dreamt of pretty things and incredible pursuits, are both proud of you.
Also, I wanted to admit something: I’m not yet there either. I am in the building phase, so just know that you’re not alone!
And with these thoughts laid out, I’d like to move into what mindsets + actions have helped me out on this journey of moving beyond the incomplete draft version of my life.
To move onto writing and living out the final draft of your own life, there are a few things that need to be addressed (and then tossed).
I had this conversation with a good friend the other week about something that had been on my mind on and off for years.
It was about how people put their identity into things others wouldn’t even remember (or care about) once they were gone.
I remember thinking I was so cool as a teenager for being a tea drinker (and not liking coffee) + not being “like other girls” because I didn’t have a purse (I know, I don’t get it either).
But in the end, why would these things even matter?
Am I going to write this on my epitaph? “Here lies Grace. She was cool for liking tea (not coffee), and being ‘different’ because she didn’t own a purse.”
With that said, the first step is to strip away the things you put identity into that are just noise.
What doesn’t really matter? What do you put too much importance into that would be thrown into an abyss of forgotten details once you were gone?
I am not saying that everything that is important to you has to be memorable. But if they are distractions, things that keep you from moving and growing and becoming a kinder + more thoughtful version of yourself, then it’s best discarded.
They are a kind of drug that makes you feel good about yourself (superior at times) without you having to heal and change and grow or produce real results. There is no substance to them; they are purely distractions.
Side Note: Purses are so useful, what did I have against them anyway?
The next step is to claim the identity you have now, allow it to humble you, and allow it to push you into something you legit want.
Here’s what I mean: Being real with yourself about the current you keeps you from living in a place of denial and fantasy.
It’s easy to claim an identity you haven’t earned yet.
I used to do it for years. It wasn’t always something I shared with others, but in my head, I was this person who had it all together because I was eventually going to get around to it.
But doing this just stunted growth.
It kept me from taking responsibility for who I currently was and allowed me to live in the “someday” space of my mind. But someday never comes.
Also, I realized that when I did this, I didn’t really like who I was. There were flaws I hadn’t wanted to look at or change and it was kind of embarrassing.
Now I’m not promoting self-hate as a way to change, but I am saying that you should love yourself enough to see who you are in this moment, see who you want to be, and allow that to drive you toward change.
You’ve done incredibly cool and incredibly beautiful things, but they shouldn’t be places where you hang your hat.
I think it’s great to look back at certain accomplishments and be proud, but if you’re constantly looking back to moments of greatness and almost never looking forward at your even greater future, then I believe this is a very dangerous place to be.
You are in danger of a monotonous, undefined life that is beneath you.
You are in danger of becoming someone who repeats stories in your head and to others, and never creating a whole life that turns into a beautiful story.
So allow those moments where you shone in the past to be the guiding light that shows you what you are truly capable of.
Make your past self (who had those amazing achievements) proud that you didn’t just stop there, but you took them into the life they thought they were going to enter into.
buy me a coffee & support my work ☺️
A few years ago, my husband and I were stupid broke.
He had a toxic corporate job, we were very young newlyweds, and we kept having things go wrong financially. I kid you not, I started crying one day because we were driving out of the car repair lot (after having a repair done that we already couldn’t afford) and our front tire hit a big nail. We hadn’t even left the place where we got our car fixed and we heard and felt our tire hit something sharp.
Things just kept going wrong and we were so over it, but I am now beyond grateful for those moments. Because if they hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t have pushed ourselves to find a way to make money online and travel.
We started a lifestyle blog that’s been our main source of income all these years, and I am so glad for that discomfort.
Because of the discomfort, I’ve gotten to live in some incredible countries and have beautiful experiences my comfortable self would never have had.
I know I was meant for more than just writing lifestyle content and trying to get people to my site via Pinterest + other traffic sources.
I want to inspire people like you to live a more lovely, elegant life that you like existing in.
One last note: Live for that younger self and the future vision they had. I remember my 9-year-old self being in some pretty shopping district in San Francisco and hearing Take Five by Dave Brubeck playing in the background. Everything around me felt cool and I knew in that moment that I wanted to live a fun, creative life in some very chic city. So I’m going to take care of that younger me and do it. I guess all this to say, don’t fall for that disgusting kind of comfort that keeps you stuck.
My husband and I refer to finding those who are already where you want to be in life as your constellation.
They are the guiding lights that show you how they’ve done it and how you can too. They’ve taken the right actions and adopted the right mindsets that have gotten them to where they are now.
They are the ones you want to follow.
Also, let’s look at it this way. Let’s say (as an example) that you wanted to get your finances under control, get out of debt, and eventually have a savings of $10k in the bank.
Would you ask your friends who are also deeply in debt (and who also think it’s normal to be in debt) about how to do it, or even tell them about your plans? Probably not. Also, if they think it’s normal, they’d probably criticize you + think you were weird.
So find the people who are already where you want to be; there’s no sense in reinventing the wheel when others have already created the path.
Side Note: These can be people who are in your life, complete strangers online, alive, or gone. There are no parameters to your constellation except what you deem workable.
My husband wanted to take control of his life and one of the ways he started was to lose weight. He succeeded. He’s now around 183 pounds (his starting point was 290), and he’s going to lose a few more pounds before he cuts it off.
But he related something to me that didn’t just help him with his weight loss, but with his language learning + other self-development pursuits as well.
It’s not fun being the fat guy at the gym.
It’s embarrassing, it’s awkward, and you really don’t want to be there. It’s easy to feel like you don’t belong or are being judged.
But then he asked me this question. Which was more dignified?
Going to the gym, staying consistent each week, and seeing progress.
Staying home, watching short form content on the couch, and keeping the same eating patterns around.
All this to say, there is dignity in being the fat guy at the gym (his words, not mine).
Here’s another example. When my husband and I were trying to create an online income, it was embarrassing. We weren’t good at it yet + we didn’t tell family about it. And because we didn’t tell them about it, and they knew we were struggling financially, they’d ask why I hadn’t gotten a job yet. For reference, I would work the blog when Silas was at his job, and then he’d come home and help me work it in the evenings. We felt it would get off the ground faster if we did it this way (and we were right).
That was legitimately humiliating, but because we did the humiliating, my husband was able to leave his toxic corporate job and we were able to travel.
What I’m trying to say is this: It’s ok for things to feel cringe when you’re trying.
It just means you’re not going to be 80 years old + full of regrets.
There’s a certain amount of discomfort that comes with not having how you’re going to get to where you want to be all figured out.
For me, that uncertainty has led to me wanting to zone out and hide from the process.
But I suppose you could say that the uncertainty is the way.
It’s how so many incredible things were created and accomplished in our world, and when you choose to continue forward, you are becoming apart of that amazing group of people who went beyond their comfort zone.
You become your own hero.
As I’ve heard it said so many times before, no one is coming to save you…. except yourself. And I think there’s beauty in that.
So what is the life you want to write out? What have you always put in the “someday” category that you can now pull out and get uncomfortable with?
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