“We are wired for survival,” the therapist told me. That explains why my brain keeps looking for what’s wrong so it can protect me. But I’ve had enough of that.
I can’t afford it, I don’t like it, and I just don’t want it.
See, I’m not convinced that it’s necessary in every single, solitary moment of this life. In fact, I’m quite sure it’s not. I’ve seen how it descends like a blackout curtain over my consciousness, pulling my focus to a dense energy. Call it brooding, because it is. Any time we are focused relentlessly on something that displeases us - allowing no other potentials or possibilities to even exist - we’re done.
In any given moment of our lives, all possibilities exist. Quantum physics says it. Spirituality says it. Metaphysics says it. The great saints say it. It’s a thing.
We’re busy worrying. We’re busy planning. We’re busy trying to get somewhere, anywhere but here. It’s what The Patriarchal Castle™ has trained us to do: expect the worst and spend most or all of our time working to protect ourselves.
Leaves an awful lot of time missing for happy, or even fulfilled, or even a moment of peace or relief.
That’s the one we need, too. The moment of peace or relief. If we only knew how to hold and build upon those seemingly small moments, we’d all be frolicking a lot more and moaning a lot less. Sounds like a good thing. It is a good thing. We’re not stupid. We know this.
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It’s time to be bored, y’all. Time to say, “What the hell game am I playing? Do I want to keep playing it? Is there another way to play it, because day-um!”
There absolutely is another way to play it. But you have to stop beating the crap out of yourself first.
Yep, this is the Castle’s most pernicious training, and we have learned it WELL! We have been taught into a Patriarchal Loop™ that just nails your feet to the floor. Fortunately, once you really see it/get it/feel it, you are free to question the shiznit out of it and it starts to lose its hold on you.
What a fecking relief!
Here’s the training:
You are fundamentally flawed - you are not-godness. You need fixing.
Your job is to become unflawed enough to receive good stuff, good feelings, good results to your efforts, etc., etc., etc.
You only have physical power and willpower. You have no core transformational power over your limitations. (Pay no attention to the energetic power of you [see: quantum physics].)
It’s your fault if you can’t heal. So, try harder. Never give up. Just do it. Don’t say no. Because… and go back to #1.
“What a f*cking nightmare!” Sure ‘nuff.
No. Not a “fixit” conversation. Not “where are you screwed up, Self, and how can I make you better, finally, you nitwit?” No. The kind of conversation that you have with a favorite aunt or uncle, or a friend, or a good mother or father, or an adviser. I don’t care. But you have to activate that voice, that character within yourself who gives a shit about you!
Because that one is going to protect you by helping you shift your focus from “I’m a piece of crap”, to “What else is in this moment, this situation, this Self, that could happen? Let me remain open to not-knowing. Because this fecking certainty is fecking killing me!”
Now you’re cooking with gas.
You’re so certain - aren’t you - that life sucks, or that fixing this situation is going to take forever, or that people are idiots, or whatever the hell it is that you’re certain about today. Don’t worry about that - we’re all certain! It’s just that if you’re ready to let yourself off the hook, you are ALSO letting in the truth at the same time. I’m quite certain about this, but I also don’t know a damn thing, do I. I’m not a fortune teller, am I. I’m not behind the scenes of my life telling God, “Okay listen up. Here’s what we’re gonna do. On Tuesday at 3PM I’m going to meet the love of my life so you make sure to bring him, ‘k? And it would be really the most effective thing if you did that out of the blue so I don’t expect it - like a meet-cute kind of thing, ‘k? Okay, cool, we’ve got this. Break!”
Yeah, no.
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So maybe, just maybe, you could admit that there are possibilities in each and every moment of your life that you don’t know a damned thing about?
Maybe you could leave open a side door in your mind, in your consciousness, in your physical stance - you know, maybe not so tight and defensive in every single muscle of your body - for a good possibility to, I dunno, sneak in?
Because that’s what it takes. That practice. No, not a rigid do-it-the-same-time-each-day practice. Something that you remind yourself about when you realize you’re unhappy again, you’re struggling again, you’re worrying yourself again.
And then you pause for a moment and think to yourself, “I wonder what else could happen? I wonder what else is here that I haven’t made room for before?” And then something comes to your mind that wouldn’t have a moment before because you were so busy being certain of something limiting. And then something comes into your life that wouldn’t have or wouldn’t have come as soon because you were busy focusing on being sure it never would.
It’s so worth, oh, everything, to do this any time you can.
Unless, of course, you’re too busy.
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