Hello Gobbledeers,
How’s it going? You’ve got World Cup Fever (tm)? Apologies, I don’t have the rights to use that. Do you have Global Drinking Vessel Fever? It’s actually been fun here in NYC to see people walking around in their teams’ uniforms.
And I loved this article about fans coming to the US and being blown away by Buc-ee’s, Chipotle and the size of our trucks.
Today we’ve got:
A mind-blowing revelation
Cigarette inventory
Context
Obviously all of you read this newsletter for the remarkably (remarkably!) delightful insights about marketing. Obviously.
But is it OK if we take a very slight detour for a moment?
If you said no, what if I told you that I was about to BLOW. YOUR. GODDAMNED. MIND!
I don’t know your mind. Maybe your mind has a higher threshold for blowing than mine does. I don’t know. I don’t want to overstate the amount of blowing that will occur when I share this slight detour.
Let’s reset:
In college did you ever have one of those late night dorm hallway discussions where, at the end of it, your view on everything had completely changed? And then, maybe, oh, 15 years later you thought about that conversation and you thought, “that was a ridiculous conversation and, in fact, nothing had changed and I feel like an idiot for even having had that hallway chat.”
For me - though for historical accuracy I will note that this did not occur in my freshman dorm - the conversation was about worm holes in space and time travel and how you could conceivably enter this worm hole and emerge from the worm hole before you went in it (or something) and also who cares and also that was in like 1991 and that Reddit thread is from 2023 and people are still sitting in dorm rooms (or adjacent) and talking about it.
But I’m not here to talk about worm holes and time travel, even if that blew my 19 year old mind.
However, we do need to do a little time travel back to 1976…
It’s time to play the music
It’s time to light the lights.
It’s time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight…
Yes, it’s the delightful theme song to The Muppet Show. And if somehow you have been time traveling and never seen The Muppet Show, it is a hilarious romp about a bunch of Muppets producing a show, and it intersperses the “show” they’re producing and humorous stuff about what’s happening backstage.
You knew that, of course.
Except.
Except.
That isn’t quite right.
Now is the time where if you have a hat, you are going to want to hold on to it.
The theme song that we have all enjoyed all these many years…
It’s time to put on makeup
It’s time to dress up right…
…is not the theme song to The Muppet Show, the show we (or 6 year old me) are/was watching.
(Hold hat securely on head…)
No.
It is the theme song TO THE SHOW THAT THE MUPPETS ARE PRODUCING ON THE SHOW.
KABOOM!
I know, I was also speechless when I realized this.
That for 50 (????) years I thought I had been humming the theme song to The Muppet Show, when - in fact! - I was humming the theme song to the show that the Muppets were producing.
The song is about the show they’re producing on The Muppet Show (which, confusingly for this tangent we’re taking, is also called The Muppet Show). The lyrics are about makeup and dressing up - that’s what happens in the show they’re producing, not the show we’re watching. We’re watching a show about the backstage antics, which would require neither makeup nor dressing up.
Kaboom.
Please, take a moment. Gather yourself. Get it together. Take the time you need. I’ll wait for you before I continue.
—
—
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If we just left it here today, you would’ve gotten your money’s worth (especially those of you on a non-paid subscription). But that’s not how we roll here…
Oh, before we move forward - my mind was, in fact, blown twice this week. If you’re prepared, enjoy this investigation into whether Guy Fieri, the host of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, has never swallowed a bite of food on the show.
KABOOM!
Longtime readers may remember the Wendy’s training video I shared where someone performed what can only generously be described as a “rap” to teach employees about how to fill drinks (“Use the scoop to fill with ice/never use the cup, take my advice.”)
The amazingness of that clip has inspired readers to send me other training videos. So thank you to reader Mike M. for sharing what has to be the result of an LSD-enhanced offsite where Philip Morris decided that they should make their cigarette inventory management video sci-fi themed:
Oh, you didn’t watch? What if I told you it included a woman in a space suit (?) singing a song about cigarette inventory management to the tune of the Pointer Sisters’ hit Jump? Would that inspire you? What if instead of singing “jump” she sang “stock!” (as in, “stock more cigarettes and you’ll make more profit.”)
It should!
Sure, we got a little off track. Let’s get back on the track.
Reader Katherine U. reached out to me to say how much she was annoyed by project management software ClickUp’s homepage, and pointed out some things that annoyed her.
I would like to thank reader Katherine U. for bringing this site to my attention, and I would like to add that whatever her annoyance is with it, it cannot come close to my annoyance with it now that she’s pointed it out to me.
Behold, ClickUp:
ClickUp is a project management tool, which - of course - they don’t want to say on their homepage because that would:
a) make it too easy to understand what the thing does; and
b) limit their total addressable market to “people who want project management software” instead of “people who want any software whatsoever” and if we’ve learned anything from the SpaceX IPO it’s that you should never limit your TAM. (Gobbledy Prediction [tm]: within a year every SaaS company homepage will have a headline that says “The best X Category platform for every person in the universe…and beyond…”)
In any case, ClickUp didn’t want to limit their TAM so they make the stupid and insulting-to-prospects claim that it’s “software to replace all software,” which it definitely is not, because there is, for example, software that powers nuclear reactors and I’m pretty sure ClickUp doesn’t replace that (or, dear God, I hope it doesn’t), and while hyperbole has a place in copywriting, this, in particular, is not that place.
It’s clear to me that they are doing everything they can NOT to say “we are a project management tool,” like it’s one of the words in a game of Taboo where you are supposed to guess “ClickUp” but you’re not allowed to use the words “project” or “management.” (Worst game of Taboo ever, but also this would be a fun game for a conference booth and also you’re welcome.)
They’re doing this, of course, because they are trying to create a category (which we’ll see shortly).
I’ll stop for a moment and give a little suggestion. Would you like a suggestion? After 500 words about The Muppet Show, would you accept anything that’s remotely useful?
Here’s my suggestion: If you are selling a product, and that product will be purchased by people, do not ever use the word “human” in your marketing. It always sounds like the robots are going to take your job. Which is why this made me blech:
When the robots are in charge, and they have finally tamed us to live in eternity as their servants, the head robot will declare, “Finally, all humans working together.”
We have a limited number of words we can put on our homepage, so each of those words should be in service of trying to get a prospect to be more comfortable with the idea of purchasing your product.
Let me ask you something: do you want to work at a company where, during your interview, the HR manager says to you, “Well, one of the things people love about working here is that it’s just all humans working together with perfect context.”?
No. No, you do not want to work there.
So who would possibly want to buy a product that promises that same thing?
Which brings me to the biggest issue here:
When you read that last sentence about “humans working together with perfect context” was there a word in there that made you say, “hm?”
Obviously “humans” but what else?
Here’s a hint from the next block on their homepage:
WHY DO THEY KEEP SAYING “CONTEXT”???????
(And what is “work sprawl?)
What does “60% of work is lost in context” mean?
How does any of this help them sell more ClickUp?
Why do the investors - who I’m sure are behind this contextual pile of gobbledy - think this will make the company more valuable?
2 more “humans”???????
It keeps going with more humans and context and human and humans working human agent context AI.
Anyway, what I’m saying is that when you work at a company that is creating a new category and you think it’s being clever to start using new terms to describe the product, just remember that most of the people reading those words have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
As always, thanks for reading to the end - it’s the best part. Wanna chat about messaging? Or whatever? Here’s my Calendly link - it’ll be fun, I promise (no promises.)
P.S. Last week when I posted the incredible video of the cabaret singers Dukes and Lee performing Pinball Wizard, a friend wrote me and said, “Do you actually think that YOU are more talented than they are?” And y’know what? I am not as talented as those people.
Anyway, here’s Paul Anka singing Smells Like Teen Spirit:
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