Thinking Outside the Trap

Open any news or social media web page these days and the word “Trump” is all over the place. Indeed, Donald Trump has nearly perfected a way to keep himself at the center of attention, nation wide.

It’s also very common to see other people posting critiques or complaints about what he’s doing or even vilifying him as a person. Of course, this just adds to his notoriety because it keeps him in the center of attention even more. And it sure is tempting to criticize him and his administration because of how threatening, cruel, and heartless many of his statements and actions have been.

The trap is this: If you mention him in any context, you’re helping to spread his name even more, no matter what you have to say about him. The focus remains on him. If you don’t say anything about him, then you may feel complicit in what he’s doing instead.

If you try to fight him directly, then you’re playing his game. He loves to fight, based on his own statements. And he’s an expert at using any means necessary to win, even if he or his staff have to break the law to do so.

I remember reading reports of the memorial for Charlie Kirk, back in September, “That young man… I forgive him,” Erika Kirk said, drawing a standing ovation. “I forgive him because it was what Christ did, and it’s what Charlie would do.”1

However, when it was Donald Trump’s turn to speak, he said, in part, “[Charlie] did not hate his opponents. He wanted the best for them. That’s where I disagreed with Charlie. I hate my opponent, and I don’t want the best for them.”2 For that, he also got significant applause as well, but perhaps not from all the same people in the room.

So, if Donald Trump is against forgiveness and is all about hate instead, what can be done? How do we get out of this trap?

We could try to ignore him as much as possible. If enough people ignore him, perhaps he’ll get really upset, given that he places such a high priority on being the center of attention. But why bother? We have much more important work to do.

First, we need to continue to speak out in opposition to each act of cruelty being perpetrated by the current administration, … or by anyone else, for that matter.

But perhaps even more importantly, I highly recommend that we focus on creating a better world to prepare for when he and his administration are no longer in office.

And that day is coming very soon.

Earlier this year, just after inauguration day, a woman I know said to me, “I can’t imagine having to live thorough four more years of this!” Without even thinking, I said, “Well, you won’t have to. Donald Trump won’t be president by the end of 2025.” She replied, “Well, I hope so,” but she didn’t seem that convinced.

Sometimes I get definite premonitions like this. Not very often, but there it was. I pictured the next four years like this:

The dark shading represents how likely it will be that Donald Trump will still be in office.

When my friend asked me how he would leave, I could not say. My premonitions don’t work that way. It could be any of a number of things, either by means under speculation by many people right now, such as impeachment, or something to do with the Epstein papers. But it also be due to some completely unexpected event or shift. Regardless, I want to emphasize that I certainly don’t wish harm or pain or death to anyone, no matter who, but naturally I don’t have control over that.

I’m not relating this story here just to secure “I told you so” bragging rights if this happens. Whether I’m right or wrong doesn’t really matter in the long run.

But what does matter is that we start thinking about what may happen next and how we might prepare for it, starting right away, even though he’s hasn’t left office yet.

First, my advice is to prepare ourselves for a period of political turmoil and chaos for at least a little while, as I described in my very first essay here on Substack “Surviving the Flood,”3 My sense of this happening is not due to the same kind of premonition that I had earler this year, but when I look at what’s changing in government, politics, technology, and the world economy these days, it seems very likely.

Second, and perhaps more important, this means doing everything we can to stop fighting with each other and work on collaborating instead, especially on the local level. In other words, replace hate and disparagement with love and respect wherever possible.

I know a number of people who refer to “the Democrats” or “the Republicans” as if the party they favor is reasonable, whereas the “other” party is a monolith, fully united behind a single set of goals. But that is definitely not the case! The audience response at the memorial for Charlie Kirk that I mentioned above is one example. Some applauded Donald Trump’s message of hate, but others supported forgiveness, instead.

Perhaps this is not the best example, but it indicates to me that we are not doomed to stand apart from each other forever. Instead, I think some doors are open where we may be able to find common ground with each other. Perhaps forgiveness is one of those common themes shared by many people, regardless of party affiliation.

In practice, I see our job as working on listening to each other without judgement, as often as we can. I’m reminded of the quote, “All human behavior is either an act of love or a cry for love.”4

Our “act of love,” in this case, is to see if we make room for the expression of the “cry for love” that’s hiding within others, because it’s almost always in there, somewhere. When someone says something that seems wrong or aggressive, the idea is to stay open to that emotional place they may be acting from, a “where it hurts inside,” place that is likely deep within.5

At first this may seem to be very challenging, or even impossible. But the truth is, most people are desperately hoping to be heard. While listening to someone, the idea is to take each provocative thing they say and do three things:

1. Check out how you feel inside about what they say. Does it make you angry? Do you feel the urge to contradict it? Or, do you agree with part of it but disagree with the rest?

2. Take each statement they make, and your reaction to it, and put it on a “mental shelf” in your mind, off to one side. You can always get back to it later.

3. Go back to listening.

What you’re trying to do is be calm enough and kind enough toward the other person so that they can reach a place of vulnerability and trust with you. If they’re going to be open to reveal what’s truly upsetting to them, they have to trust that you won’t end up judging them for their feelings. A person’s feelings are always genuine, even if they are based on something that’s perhaps questionable.

Perhaps they or you are afraid of something that you might think is untrue. Try setting your concerns aside for a moment and let them explain just how afraid or hurt they might be.

This may take a lot of practice for some folks, so you might try starting out with someone you know relatively well, where your differences may not be that profound. There are also courses and workshops that you can try, in order to strengthen your listening skills.

There is a 4th part, as it turns out.

4. Check in with yourself. Ask, “How am I doing? How is my energy right now? Am I starting to feel hopeless or sunk, emotionally, based on how this conversation is going?

If things aren’t going well, or if you find it difficult to keep listening, you may not want to continue. Perhaps your “mental shelf” has become too crowded with statements or feelings that you found upsetting.

If so, then perhaps it’s time to gently bring the conversation to a close, thank the person for confiding in you, and part as amicably as possible. There is nothing wrong with doing this. It’s all for the best not to try to force yourself to continue.

Now, it may seem that listening to just one person at a time won’t change much. But I assure you that it can literally move mountains before long. The key is to let other people know what you are doing, in order to help spread the word. See if you can find time with a friend to talk about how your “listening project” is going. What seemed to go well? What were the challenges?

My point is, doing this is actually creating the kind of world we want, instead of just reacting to the one that’s going on now.