the world: it’s out there.

Ask A Girl is an advice column on beauty & love, in all its forms, & anything you might debrief at a Sunday brunch. In other words: on girlhood. Explore here. Or submit an advice letter here!

Dear Girl,

This year was my first year of college, but I moved back home at the end of fall semester because it was not what I imagined.

Every time it comes up, I feel like I failed. I wonder what would have happened if I had just stayed. At the time, I considered everything and figured it would be smart to move back home and save money if I wasn’t one hundred percent sure. Now, I feel like I’m missing out when I see my friends posting about college.

I honestly just feel like a coward. People tell me it’s good I trusted my gut, but it doesn’t feel that way. I feel stuck now, living in the same bedroom I always have.

I want to leave, but I don’t even feel like my applications would be interesting enough. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up for choices I’ve already made, but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m wasting my time.

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

Leave. Just do anything at all. The world: it’s out there. Picture me gesturing towards a paned window as I write this, & outside someone’s wearing oversized headphones as they walk their dog, & someone else is bent over against a pole, face red, panting from a run, & someone else is balancing a laundry bag in their arms, leaning back to accommodate the weight, & that’s just one window pane into the world.

I love watching other people live their ordinary lives because it breaks the illusion that this life is the only possible life you can live. Actually, you can live a multitude of lives, and life is as vibrant as you choose. I think that’s frightening. I think we get trapped in the possibilities of who we could be. I don’t believe in striving for the most perfect version of your life, because I am scared that, if I did, I would spend a lifetime making lists, writing it all out, deciding what’s the best next step. Any step is the best next step.

I see a gap between your assertion “I figured it would be smart to move back home and save money” and your confession “I honestly just feel like a coward.” Did you trust your gut or did you get scared? I can’t tell you, but I think you know. I think you know if college wasn’t right for you or if it was a little uncomfortable.

You also wrote that if you were to apply to college again, you feel your application would not be interesting enough. But a) it’s not fair to reject yourself out of fear before someone else gets the chance to, and b) your life is exactly as interesting as you choose it to be.

Would you choose to write the story of your one life as a girl in a bed on a phone in the same room she’s always lived in with the same yellow bedspread and the same lumpy pillow, swiping & swiping again until she can’t feel it anymore, until she’s numbed all sensation? Have we considered that just maybe, and this really isn’t revolutionary, the problem could be your iPhone?

I refuse to believe that nothing in this world excites you or makes you feel nervous & desperate or brings a tingly sensation to your stomach. It does not have to be your life’s passion, just something to follow until you’re bored, and then it’s onto the next thing.

I do not think life should hurt, but, at its best, I think it should be a little uncomfortable. I’ve learned to appreciate the dropping sensation in my body & the anticipation in my fingertips as I prepare to do the thing I dread, and then guess what? It’s perfectly fine. It’s always perfectly fine. Which is to say you have to do hard things so that you believe you can do hard things. You will continue to feel stuck until you live by your passions rather than your fears.

Xoxo.