Inhabit Charles Duhigg

Watch the latest episode of “The Inhabit Interview” here. And if you prefer audio only, subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

I remember where I was when I read Charles Duhigg’s “The Power of Habit”: living in New York City after graduating college, floundering.

Professionally, I was lost, filling my time with a few unpaid projects while living at home. Personally, I was reconstituting myself, building community from the ground up after struggling in college.

Duhigg’s was the first book that helped me understand the value of habits, the small choices we make day in and day out, compounded over time. I applied his book to my own life like a scientist.

I loved Duhigg’s book so much I didn’t think it was possible for him to write one I would like better.

And then I read “Supercommunicators.”

Here’s my moderately controversial take on habits: they’re not created equal. When someone says they’re taking on a new set of habits, we often nod politely, say something encouraging, and move along.

We’re missing the point.

Some habits will bring you closer—or further—from the one or two people who matter most in your life. Your partner. Your best friend. Your kid.

If we don’t examine our habits critically, we risk choosing ones that alienate us from our loved ones over time. These choices compound into the character flaws that play out in books and movies. In our own lives, they lead to quiet ruptures. Breakups. Estrangement.

The stakes are high. And that’s why I treasure Duhigg’s latest book.

In “Supercommunicators,” Duhigg provides a framework for understanding what may be the most important set of habits: how we talk with one another.

What does it look like to have more productive conversations with your partner? To find footing with a stranger over their values instead of what they do professionally?

I asked Duhigg these questions, and how we can apply learnings from “The Power of Habit” to improve the quality of our conversations. Here are some tips:

• Match the conversation. There are three kinds of conversations we could be having. The best communicators know which one they’re in so they can match the energy.

• Loop for understanding. So much of the time we talk past one another. “Looping for understanding” is a three-part fix: ask a question. Repeat part of the answer. Check if you got it right. The result is a process called neural entrainment.

• Be vulnerable. If give you the opportunity to judge me, and you don’t, we’ll feel closer. Acknowledge the mistake. Revisit a story that still makes you cringe. It may just help you alleviate the shame - and connect.

We all remember conversations that changed our lives for the better. Dinners with friends, or a date that stretched late into the night.

What if those conversations were the rule, not the exception? Duhigg has given us the cheat codes.

Let’s use them.

Watch the 5th episode of “The Inhabit Interview” here.

And if you prefer audio only, subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

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