The Reason I Stopped Writing and Why I’m Starting Again

If I look back at all my years so far, I can point to last year as being my lowest. I felt emotionally drained, unhappy with myself and with life, and ended up in the hospital at one point last year.

It was more frustrating because at the beginning of the year, I felt hopeful that 2024 was going to be a new chapter. I ended 2023 with a double whammy. I got laid off and then a job offer I had got rug pulled at the last moment. That hurt more than being laid off and I carried that hurt and anger all through 2024.

After that news, I thought this was rock bottom and things could only get better from here. I told myself I was going to use it as motivation to turn things around.

I started 2024 getting back to writing which was something I had wanted to do. I thought this was a good time to start again while I figured out what I wanted to do next.

I started to publish weekly here and it felt good. But then I missed a week and thought I’ll publish the following week. Then two weeks had passed and soon I completed stopped.

It was easy to set goals and be excited about the idea of writing, but more difficult to battle the negative inner voices of self doubt.

Even writing this now makes me want to stop. I already feel like it’s not good. It’s the voices in my head. It’s the identity I’ve become.

2024 was filled with self doubt, worry, anger, living in the past, hopelessness, sadness, regret, jealously, fear.

I might have a good day, but then have a string of bad days. Those bad days added up. Many times last year I thought this is the lowest I’ve ever felt about my life and myself. I could barely smile somedays. I had no energy.

I couldn’t believe that my life had gotten to this point.

Remember when I said I felt I had hit rock bottom? I felt lower than that. I didn’t think it was possible but it happened.

It was all a strange feeling because I had never felt that way. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t seek out help. I kept things to myself and tried to figure it on my own which probably didn’t help but that’s how I tend to deal with my problems.

Everything I was thinking and feeling kept adding up. Instead of trying to find a way out of the hole, I was digging myself deeper.

Then one morning in July, while on vacation in Busan, South Korea, I began to have stomach pains. By the middle of the day it turned into the worst pain I had ever felt. That evening I went to the emergency room in even more pain. I thought the doctor would tell me it’s nothing big and give me some medication and I’ll be fine.

Instead he told me I got appendicitis. I never in my life thought I would get it. I thought only younger people did. The whole story behind that is long and I’ll save it for another day. Thankfully everything worked out and I’m fine but I believe that all the negative energy and emotion I had caused me to have it.

I had phase starting last August where I started to do different things. I had come back home after being out of the country. I thought this would be a great time for reboot. Maybe I could make great progress before the end of the year. I had a morning routine where I read, wrote and exercised. I even published a few stories here. But before I knew it, that motivated version of me was gone.

I went back to how I have been for a long time. I tried to change by just doing it, but I couldn’t get away from my identity. I couldn’t stop worrying about making money and what I was going to do.

By the end of the year, I still had no job. I had no new projects online I was working on. I hadn’t changed as a person on the inside and my life looked exactly the same on the outside. My days were spent trying to make money day trading. But I’d have losing days and it spiraled into more self pity and self doubt about my abilities.

I didn’t lack ideas though. I had plenty of them in 2024. They would be exciting at first. I’d imagine it in my head being successful. But right on schedule a couple days later I already had given myself so many excuses why it wouldn’t work.

I saw people online doing amazing things, living life, going places, having new experiences, being around interesting people, and just going for it.

I keep wondering to myself what will it take for me to stop waiting and start doing.

I stopped writing because I felt like I didn’t have anything important to share.

So far this year has gone the same as 2024. I’ve read old entries in my journal from last year and saw that I had the same thoughts, feelings, and frustrations as I do today.

Nothing has changed. That is so frustrating but the truth is that is my fault.

I even wrote in one entry that I’m tired of writing the same things that are on my mind.

If I don’t make any changes, then a year from now I’m going to be writing the same things again.

I can’t keep sitting around waiting for inspiration to strike me. The perfect idea isn’t going to come to me because I’m not even the type of person that would recognize it.

If my mind is only focused on all the bad in my life, then when something good comes to me, I’m going to completely miss it.

I have tried this year though. I’ve been reading and listening to people like Wayne Dyer. I’ve been working on changing how I think and feel. He shares so much wisdom and I love hearing it, but applying it to my life has been the hardest part.

The last couple days have been a wake up call for me. Funny enough it’s because of ChatGPT. I’ll share what helped me. That compelled me to write again. I need to do something. However it’s not only doing something once, but doing it consistently.

I think I’m ready to share more of my journey. I’m ready to share what I’ve been struggling with and what I’m trying to overcome it. I’m ready to write more.

I know it’s going to be messy. I know my writing isn’t going to be the best, but if I continue to try for perfection I’ll never publish anything. I’m ready to not be perfect at it.

My main focus and my only goal is to write and publish. If I have spelling mistakes and poor grammar, that’s okay. Of course I’ll proofread and edit before I hit publish but I don’t want to be spending more time than needed trying to pretend I’m some New York Times bestselling author.

I want to write. I don’t know what makes me keep coming back to writing. I used to write for my blogs. That brought my joy. Even stepping away from writing for a long time, I always felt the desire to write in public and get better at it.

I hope that day it’ll make sense why writing has been something that I keep wanting to do despite feeling like I’m not a great writer.

Finally the past two months I’ve gotten two unexpected but surprising emails. Little did they know how much it meant to me.

One was from a person who replied to an email I sent in 2014 that gave an update to subscribers of my blog on how my podcast was doing at the time. Back then I was blogging consistently and had started a podcast when that trend was starting to get popular.

I can’t believe that he sent me an email more than 10 years later. He told me he’s been a listener since 2013 and thanks to my podcast giving him motivation he’s now a manager at a processing facility in Ethiopia. He’s married and about to have a baby. I asked him when he was listening to my podcast what was doing in life. He told me he was a shopkeeper. I don’t know why he still had my email I sent in 2014 and what made him think of me to send me an email to share an update but I’m glad he did.

I told him how much him it meant to me that he took a minute to email me. It’s hard to put it into words how thankful I felt in that moment. It shows that doing something so simple like that really has a big impact for someone.

The other email came from someone who was searching podcasts on how to develop an iPhone app. In 2013, I was interviewed on the Side Hustle show about my experience outsourcing development of my iPhone apps.

She searched Spotify and listened to three episodes which she said she couldn’t finish because they all sounded like a lecture. She listened to mine and enjoyed it so much that she felt compelled to email me to let me know.

I like to think that it’s the universe giving me a sign. It’s trying to send me a message. It’s not the first time I’ve gotten emails like this. I’ll get like one or two a year.

Maybe the universe has always been trying to give me reminders of what value I have for others. It’s showing me that this version of me is still inside of me.

I’m ready to try again and see where this leads me this time.

If you made it far, thank you.