The Part of Me That Always Quits

There’s this part of me I’m getting tired of.

It shows up right after I get excited about a new idea.

At first, everything feels possible. I’m fired up. My mind imagines a future where I am successful.

For a few days, I think this is it. Finally the idea I’ve been waiting for.

Then it sneaks up on me.

The self-doubt.

The questions.

The uncertainty.

I start wondering is this even a good idea? Is anyone going to care? What if I’m wasting my time again?

If I do get started, I look around for signs that I’m on the right track. I check for views, likes and motivation.

But when nothing comes back, I start to return back to my old patterns.

And then I stop. Frustrated again. Unsure what is wrong with me.

The problem isn’t the idea isn’t good.

It’s me. I give up on myself.

This patterns has been regular programming for years now.

Start strong. Doubt myself. Quit early. Feel sad. Repeat.

I’ve left behind a pile of ideas that could’ve been something if I had stayed in it long enough to find out.

But now I see the real problem are not my ideas.

“It's me, hi. I'm the problem, it's me.”

Taylor Swift - Anti Hero

I can’t finish anything I start. The moment it gets hard I lose motivation. When there’s little external validation I doubt myself.

Clearly that strategy isn’t working out for me.

So now instead of looking for external validation that I’m doing the right thing, I do it because it’s what I want to do.

I do it because I need to do something.

Instead of waiting for motivation, I do it anyways.

The most important thing is that I create something. No more hiding behind my journal thinking that’s being productive.

It’s uncomfortable. It’s hard. Believe me I’ve thought about quitting. But I’ve quit so many times and I’m tired of that.

So here I am. Writing this for however many people see it.

Choosing not to run and hide this time.

Let’s see what happens when I stay.

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