Releasing Shame

I’m perched on a live-edge pine stool in a small cabin nestled close to young woods and facing a large open field. I’m here for a writing retreat with my friend, colleague, and someday soon co-author focusing on our manuscript The Resilience Revolution. Esther is off picking up a few groceries while I tap out this brief newsletter.

In this cabin, I’ve been working on a short but challenging section: ‘dispensing of existence and the apocalyptic narrative as a cultic mechanism of control. The term ‘dispensing of existence’ was penned by my hero Robert (Jay Lifton, that is) who wrote about it in 1961 in his seminal book Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism: a Study of “Brainwashing” in China.

Not a light topic. Reflecting on the control wielded through the existential threat of death and destruction reminded me that a central goal of the cult I was in for eighteen years was “to die to self”. (Does this sound familiar, anyone?)

I’m writing today with a follow up from last week’s query: Do you dream in cult?. I am reminded of a friend’s cult novel titled: A Dream to Die For. It took Susan 10 years to write what started as a memoir and transformed into a compelling cult novel - the first one I ever read. I loved it.

I also loved talking about dreams with Katherine Bell on Saturday. We explored a dream from a born-in survivor that featured babies and poop. If you’re curious, feel free to listen to the recording. I’ll be curious to hear what you think. It’s definitely a little edgy for me to talk about dreams, but I appreciate doing it with Katherine. It’s grounding for me to riff about dreams, free of the cult-induced-shame-coma that held me while in the dream cult. I believe that was my fourth time on her podcast since 2021. 🌟

I received this email from another survivor friend, Carrie, who spent many years in the ‘CJ’ cult:

So sorry I missed Saturday’s interview. I had an experience with dreams. For several years when I first got out I would have stressful dreams about CJ members yelling at me, or catching me doing something that was “forbidden” or frowned on. Over time I began to gain courage in my dreams (my emphasis) At first their disapproval didn’t bother me, and then gradually I began to speak up (again, my emphasis) in the dreams to tell them they were wrong. The last couple of CJ dreams, I actually yelled at them, expressed my anger. That seemed to resolve it, and I almost never have CJ dreams anymore. (yup)

What advice can you give me about writing prompts?

Here’s my reply to Carrie:

OMG Carrie,

I LOVE how this experience shows such a clear progression from being stressed by the dreams to having the satisfaction of expressing anger at the CJ members to the dreams eventually phasing out. Isn’t that awesome? WaHoo!

What writing prompts might be helpful here? Pause and feel free to jot down your ideas. You know better than I what might be helpful.

That being said, since you asked, here are some quick thoughts:

For the early stressful dreams, I would bring a boatload of compassion and curiosity about the forbidden/frowned on sensation in the dream. Since you are now OUT of that abusive system, it can be helpful to reflect on how the control mechanism of shame manifested in the group and what it’s like to experience it from the outside. Free writing everything that rises up from these reflections or taking out a drawing tablet and expressing the images and feelings can be cathartic, integrative, and even fun.

Talking back to the CJ Members and expressing your anger is an exciting turning point, isn’t it? This reminds me of what my therapist refers to as ‘memory reconsolidation’ - where we can layer on a new response to an old traumatic experience. You did this naturally and the fact that the dreams about CJ have stopped is confirmation of the healing and integration done.

Well dear readers… What’s your experience of post cult dreaming? Do you have a disturbing or confounding dream that you’d like to share? Perhaps you could write and bring your words to the upcoming Writing to Reckon Zoom Party! 🎉

Here’s the link to listen to Saturday’s podcast interview:

DREAM JOURNAL PODCAST

I’d truly love to hear what you think. I feel vulnerable sharing it, because it links my past to the present in no uncertain terms.

🌟IT’S WRITING TO RECKON ZOOM PARTY TIME🌟

JULY 5TH AT 7PM EST

CHOOSE A SHORT PIECE OF YOUR WRITING TO SHARE.

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