Hello. We write to you from the Invitational treehouse, where we’ve been scanning the skies for incoming precision-guided MQ-9 Reaper drones from the general direction of the Pentagon.
We’ll get to that in a minute. For the moment, we gotta tell you, this week’s new contest is a Plan B — something we turned to when we discovered an area where ChatGPT and other AIs proved astonishingly inept.
Our original plan was to repeat a contest from way back in 1995, one we’d done just that one time: It was to choose a constellation, say Pegasus, and reconnect the stars into a totally different diagram from the classic one. The trick was that now, 31 years later, instead of relying on an artist to draw the result, we could ask you to use any widely available AI program.
But when we tried an example of turning Lyra into Liar (with an outline of You Know Who), both ChatGPT and Gemini repeatedly put the stars — there were only six — in the wrong positions. We tried all kinds of prompts, with so many spectacular fails that we had to scrap the whole thing. AI turns out to have the spatial (and spacial) perception of a blind naked mole rat.
But! Instead, today we have an art contest that we can do, and even AI can make it work. In fact, you don’t need AI at all, if you can draw a little.
Meanwhile, this week’s results:
After hearing that the administration planned to put warning signs of “inaccuracy” outside the Smithsonian’s Museum of American History, we asked you in Invitational Week 187 what might be its next target. Given the number of times “unprecedented” is used in the news each day, we allowed predictions of things Trump might do that he might not have the power to do — it wouldn’t be the first time this happened.
Third runner-up:
All wind turbines must be coal-powered by 2028. (Steve Smith, Beverly, Mass.)
Second runner-up:
After a multi-year renovation, the nation will celebrate the opening of the Donald J. Trump and John F. Kennedy Center for Mixed Martial Arts and Public Executions. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
First runner-up:
Gold-plate the cherry blossoms so they can be enjoyed year-round. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)
And the winner of the Acme Research Center T-shirt featuring one Mr. W. E. Coyote:
Martin Luther King Day will be replaced by King Day. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)
And for the FIRST OF TWO Gene Pool Gene Polls today:
As usual, if you think one or more of the honorable mentions below are better than these, shout out your favorites in the Comments.)
To remind people that the military has always been totally badass, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial will get speakers looping “The Ride of the Valkyries.” (Eric Murphy, North Potomac, Md.)
The Justice Department’s civil rights division will sue Major League Baseball, demanding that it either end the DEI celebration of Jackie Robinson Day or add a day honoring Ben Chapman. (Joel Cockrell, Damascus, Md.)
All female sports matches must be shirts versus skins. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
All Supreme Court justices shall immediately undergo mandatory testosterone screening. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Anyone with a bank PIN of 8647 will be arrested and charged with sedition. (Gregory Koch)
At the entrance to the National Archives: “Warning: The Bill of Rights contains FAKE AMENDMENTS. Specifically No. 1 and Nos. 3 through 10.” (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)
Electric cars must carry ten gallons of gasoline at all times in case somebody with a real car needs some. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
DHS will decree that immigrants will be welcome to keep their culture, provided it’s limited to a festival once a year, a restaurant with decent carryout, and absolutely nothing spoken in public on a bus. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)
The Department of Education will become the Department of Re-education. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)
The Department of Justice will rebrand as the Department of Spite. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
A sign at the FDR Memorial: “Roosevelt used a wheelchair because he was very LOW ENERGY.” (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
NASA will no longer be permitted to abort a mission. It can either abstain or adopt. (Lee Graham, Columbia, S.C.)
NOAA will announce that all future hurricanes are to be named after enemies of Donald Trump (Adam, Barack, Letitia …). (Joel Cockrell)
The pejorative term “roadkill” will be replaced with “automotively sourced.” (Gary Crockett)
The Smithsonian’s Natural History Museum will open a $200 million Hall of Creation. (Jesse Frankovich)
Much pilot confusion will result after all airports are renamed after Donald Trump. (Gregory Koch)
On his new cooking show, RFK Jr. will recommend “Roadquille St. Jacques” as a low-cost healthy meal for financially stressed Americans. (Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.)
In a new carnival game at the next “Great American State Fair,” contestants can win a Mike Pence plush doll by tossing a noose around its neck. (Mark Raffman)
Salvation Army bell ringers will be required to open-carry firearms “to instill a warrior ethos.” (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)
The Commerce Department will establish a $1.865 billion fund to pay the descendants of slave owners “reparations for their families’ lost property.” (Steve Smith)
The Geneva Conventions will become the Geneva Suggestions. (Gary Crockett)
The Justice Department will investigate which Antifa vandals are responsible for the crack in the Liberty Bell. (Dave S., Silver Spring, Md.)
The cabins at Camp David will be bedecked with gold-trimmed Corinthian columns. (Chris Doyle)
The Treasury will issue a new $45.47 bill, colored gold, with Trump’s first-term portrait on one side and his second-term one on the other. (Frank Stanonik, Falls Church, Va.)
El Capitan in Yosemite National Park will be renamed Kid Rock Rock. (Dave S.)
Sign posted at the front door of the White House: “You must be this rich to enter.” (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
The U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum will be ordered to include an exhibit on the persecution of White South Africans. (Mark Raffman)
USPS will issue a Donald Trump Forever and Ever stamp. (Neil Kurland)
The headline “Gross Domestic Projects” is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The Loser Community’s website with all the Invitational stats and stuff is now NRARS.net; the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook is here.
Here are eight obvious shapes. For Invitational Week 189: Use one or more of these shapes as a basis for a humorous drawing or other artwork, as in the example at the top of the page provided, under our instructions and prompts, by ChatGPT (or maybe it was ChatGPT’s intern — did you notice the dog’s tail?).
You may rotate the shape however you like.
You may use colors, and you don’t have to physically copy these very pixels; just make sure your equivalent is fully recognizable and basic, not stylized.
You may feature two or more of the shapes in a single drawing.
Your entry will be funnier if the original shape remains obvious, but the shape does not have to dominate the final illustration. It just has to BE there.
You may include a title or caption, but it is not required.
You may use AI (as long as it’s your own idea); you may use graphics tools like Paint or Photoshop; or you can just draw it yourself and take a photo of it.
Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 22, 2026, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 27. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, but don’t put more than five graphics on a single entry form. We don’t want your form to get all tetchy and refuse to play.
HOW TO ENTER: It’s easy enough, but for the sake of Invitational and Gene Pool readers who are just here to enjoy y’all’s jokes and not read a bunch of instructions, check out THESE FEW MORE IMPORTANT DIRECTIONS by clicking on this link.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-189.
The winner gets — speaking of cartoonish icons — this super-cuddly Squishmallows brand Star Wars Stormtrooper pillow, donated by the super-something Stu Segal.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Still running — deadline Saturday, Aug. 15, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our annual contest for limericks featuring words beginning with one sliver of the alphabet, this year JA-JD. Click on “read full story” below for details.
And last, if you have not already done so, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool. It lets you enter the Invitational, rather than just reading the results every week and sourly deciding you would have done better and then yelling %*&#! what in tarnation? hot spit and monkey vomit! Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Sweet fancy Moses on toast and jam!
Now, we segue seamlessly into today’s Q&A section, where Gene answers your questions and responds to your anecdotes and observations, as submitted to the Mailbag. Please send your new Q’s and O’s to the selfsame Mailbag.
This is Gene. I have argued that “wokeness” doesn’t really exist — that it is largely a right-wing invention to demonize the left. And then something ridiculous happens and I get exasperated with my breed. So, just for the record:
The NYT Spelling Bee Today does not accept the word “lynch.” Says it’s not a word.
—
Q: What three features would you want returned to the Washington Post if Bezos gave you creative control for one week? I would like to see another auto columnist like the late Warren Brown and a local DMV columnist like John Kelly or Bob Levey.
Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.
A: Total creative control? For a week? The first thing I would do is eliminate the horoscope. Have you seen what they do online to tart up this hideous, infantile antiquated embarrassment of a feature? Then I would rehire the entire sports staff. Then I would write and publish the most scathing story about Bezos imaginable. Then I would happily walk out the door.
Q: After more than 40 years of visiting Greece and even longer professionally and privately involved in aviation, I’m disappointed that I only learned now of a world class inaptonym. For context, the 1988 MIT aircraft that still holds the world distance record for a human-powered flight is named Daedalus, the mythological inventor of human-powered flight who flew from Crete to Santorini. The MIT aircraft, which was explicitly not named after Daedalus’ foolish son, flew the same route for its record-setting fight. So what do you think is the self-anointed nickname of the Greek Air Force Academy? The Icarus School. — Kevin Dopart
A: As a fellow pedant, I am shocked.
Q: You asked for defining moments from our youth. Here was mine:
It was in 6th grade. We had to give an oral presentation in front of the class. One girl got up and started her presentation. It was obvious she was nervous but she went ahead. She stumbled over a couple of words. Then she started to giggle which got some of the class giggling. Then she started laughing which got pretty much everyone laughing. Then she started crying. Because she peed herself. The teacher took her out of the room and after realizing what happened we all calmed down. That’s when I swore to myself that THAT would never happen to me. I have never been afraid to get up in front of a group since. I’ve never peed myself, either, but I am 70, so it COULD happen, anytime now.
— Tom Logan - Sterling, VA
A: Agreed. About the age and prostate thing.
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Q: I am a centrist, leaning left. I will never vote for these “progressive” candidates. What will happen is I won’t vote, cause I won’t vote for the Republicans either. This is the problem the Democrats have, and are not solving. I am not alone.
A: In the age of Republican-enabled Trump, and the dangers therein, I declare your position traitorous. For a center-left person, today, not voting is a vote for Trumpism.
Gene Pool Gene Poll #2:
— Okay, we are done.
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