What To Do with Those Condoms You Aren't Using

There are plenty of reasons people stop using condoms.

Maybe you already have two kids, and your wife sent you to get your nads snipped so you can rawdog it. Congratulations.

There’s always a chance that your girlfriend has an intense latex allergy (it’s me), and unfortunately you found out after you were inside her and her snatch seized up and pulled a chokehold on your lil guy. Sadly, you ended up in the ER where she got a shot, and finally your dong was released from the hellfire it was injected into. (nearly true story, pictured above)

Maybe you just aren’t having sex. I’m looking at you, bob.

Anyway, the fact is, many of us have a package of unused, possibly expired condoms lying in the bottom of our musty bedside drawers. Some might be smashed at the bottom of a suitcase from that trip in 2021, when you swore you were gonna rail chics until Jesus came back, but you sat in your hotel room and cried the whole time. And drank beer. And ate cheese.

So, in the spirit of public service, I’ve happily whipped up a list of creative ways to repurpose those leftover rubbers, so you don’t have to look at them every weekend and think about how much life sucks.

Decorative Christmas ornament. Blown up or straight from the wrapper (I do love the idea of it just dangling), you can paint, bedazzle, and sprinkle with red and green glitter. Slap on a hook, and you’ve got a beautiful, budget-friendly ornament. Hand them out to every grandma you know, because let’s face it, Nana Ethel doesn’t even know what a condom is.

A travel-sized canoe for your pet hamster, sugar glider, or teacup dog. Our tiniest, most heinous pets need love and exercise too. With a little love, shaping, and that crafty mod podge shit, you should be able to put this together in no time.

Popsicle mold. This one is for the bravest among us. Grab a picture of your aunt Wanda with the big titties, and stare at it until your peepee is erect. Then stick your peepee in the condom and fanagle it into the freezer. Shut the freezer as much as you can. This shouldn’t be a problem for many of you. You’ll have to stand there for a while, so bring a phone, a snack, and a crossword puzzle. Stay there until your dick is frozen. Gently peel the condom off and fill it with your homemade popsicle mixture. Don’t forget to add the popsicle stick. Put it back in the freezer until ready to serve. Guests will love this creative snack!

Knock-off designer beanie for a pickle. You might wonder why a pickle needs a beanie, but if you’re like me, you love a fancy and fun charcuterie board. Now imagine pickles of all sizes wearing tiny fake Gucci condom hats. If that’s not a conversation starter, baby, I don’t know what is.

Tiny ghost costume for your thumb. If you love Halloween, but you don’t love the time and effort it takes to put together a costume, I’ve got you. Snap a condom on your thumb, draw little scary faces, and chase people at the party all night with your spooky hands!

Water balloons. If you’re rocking magnums (sure, Steve Uppendahl), you’ve got the makings of an epic water balloon party.

That’s it! I haven’t made a fun list in quite some time, and even though I know some of you really hate a list, I needed this today.

❤️❤️— GC