Natalie, you alone can end the Iran war

Dear Natalie,

I don’t know you, but I greatly admire you. Your dedication to President Trump is awe-inspiring. You are always there for him. When others flag, you are a constant and devoted presence. You do it all: you type his social media posts for him, you cheer him up when he is down, you follow him around with a portable printer so that he can read paper copies of positive stories about him, you write him weird stream-of-consciousness notes about how much you worship him, you sprint around an 18-hole golf course after him. You even leap into the trunk of his Secret Service detail’s SUV! By hard work, diligence and God’s genetic gifts, you have risen to the very pinnacle of the ranks of the young, attractive, blond, adoring females that our great president has always surrounded himself with, and who have played such a vital role in swelling his career. In an age when, as Vice-President J.D. Vance has so wisely said (although wonderful as our vice-president is, he is no Trump!) too many young women have chosen to pursue empty careerism over their true vocation as demanded by our Christian heritage, having many children, you have embraced the ultimate maternal role: lovingly kissing, and when needed wiping, the butt of a mentally incontinent, narcissistic, increasingly unhinged 80-year-old baby.

So Natalie, on behalf of all right-thinking Americans, I would like to thank you for your service. Words cannot express our gratitude for what you have done for the greatest, handsomest, most intelligent, well-endowed, and legendary president, leader, and indeed human being, of all time.

But now, Natalie, you have a chance to perform your greatest deed. You, and you alone, have the opportunity to save the man you worship from an ugly and undeserved fate. We know you will rise to the occasion.

Natalie, let me be frank. President Trump is in terrible trouble. The president is a proud man and may not have shared his inner feelings with you, but as his constant companion and closest confidant, you have no doubt observed that he is under a lot of strain lately, and is beginning to behave in ways that are causing even his best friends and supporters to be concerned. He sent a mash note to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, launched into a violent personal diatribe against a White House reporter who asked an innocuous question, and threatened to “bomb the shit” out of U.S. ally Oman.

There’s one reason why our great leader is so stressed out: the Iran war.

Natalie, I know that foreign policy is not your primary focus, but here is the situation in a nutshell. President Trump has lost the war he let Israel talk him into, and he can’t figure out a way to get out of it. He said it was going to take weeks, and it has been going on for almost six months with no end in sight. Gas prices are sky-high and the entire world economy is in danger. The war is the most unpopular one in U.S. history, our military has run out of weapons, our Middle East allies are losing patience with us, and the president’s threat to impose an economic blockade only tells Iran’s leaders that he is not going to renew the war, and has zero chance of working. Unless the president ends the war now, heartless and ungrateful American voters — Dumocrats, of course, but even some weak-kneed Republicans—are going to turn on him and the GOP. The midterms are shaping up to be an anti-Trump landslide. And if that happens, the man you idolize and rightfully say you are not worthy of will begin a terminal descent into the political and personal darkness. It will be like watching the Colossus of Rhodes, one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, fall into the sea.

If this took place, it would be the greatest tragedy in human history. But thankfully, it need not happen. By the inscrutable workings of Providence, you, Natalie Harp, have been given the opportunity to save the president you love.

Here’s how you can do it.

As you know better than anyone, Natalie, President Trump lives in a bubble, an alternate reality in which inconvenient facts are excluded and only things that flatter his limitless ego and demand for unquestioning adoration are allowed in. His entire administration of sycophantic lickspittles, all wearing matching Florsheims, has been carefully chosen to ensure that his hermetically-sealed universe remains inviolate. You have the honor and privilege of being the chief gatekeeper of that bubble. As such, you have a unique and priceless opportunity to save the president in his hour of greatest need.

All you need to do is look deeply into President Trump’s eyes and tell him that if he ends the war, you will love and worship him more than ever and so will the American people. Say that every hour you are with him. Say it when he gets up. Say it when you compose his tweets. Say it in his ear when he dozes off at Cabinet meetings. Say it when he goes to bed. Say it loudly. Say it softly. And above all, say it with feeling.

It may take a few days for your love-bombing campaign to work its magic, but soon the warm glow of your absolute adoration will take effect, the president’s eyes will glaze over, he will return to his favorite inner fetal position, and he will happily declare victory and end the war.

To be sure, even after President Trump does this, challenges will lie ahead. The Fake News media will run lots of stories about how Trump surrendered to Iran, how he was totally humiliated, how he was responsible for giving Iran control over the Strait of Hormuz, how he did not end their nuclear program, how the entire war was the greatest unforced foreign policy error in U.S. history, and worst of all, how Barack Hussein Obama cut a much better deal with Iran than Trump did. This last point is the most dangerous. If it gets through to the president, it will almost certainly cause him to blow his top and start bombing again.

Natalie, it is your job to make sure that none of these negative stories, and particularly not any that compare the president to Obama, make it into the bubble. Think of yourself as a human Patriot interceptor, shooting down incoming Truth Missiles.

Once President Trump is permanently insulated from reality and truly grasps that you in particular and the American people in general love him more than ever, all will be well. Gas prices will go down, the stock market will go up, and the president’s ratings will rise. There is even a good chance that once the albatross of the war is no longer draped around his neck, our beloved commander-in-chief will suddenly embrace Iran and shower its autocratic leaders with praise, just as he did with North Korea and other dictatorial regimes—ushering in a bold new era of senile-whim-based global amity and making a Trump Nobel Peace Prize a no-brainer.

Good luck, Natalie! No pressure, but you’re Trump’s—and America’s—last chance.

A Patriot