For a perfect, no-maintenance garden, just do this one thing… (and other fibs)

Once, as a child, I knew a conman. He was charming with perfect manners and if he turned his light on you, made you feel interesting and debonair too. Even when I was young, talking to him was thrilling, you felt just a touch better than everyone else. My parents had known his family forever, they were ‘old money’, in that way of property rich but really quite cash poor people. They had lovely houses but couldn’t afford the school-fees. He was a notorious bankrupt and even as a child, I knew he was fun at a party but not to give him your wallet.

However, I repeatedly witnessed clever, worldly people go into business with him. I supposed they knew what they were doing. I was a child watching adults, of course they knew what they were doing. I’d assumed that they were using this infamous snake oil salesman to make more money, perhaps they were managing him like a powerful weapon, using his contacts but keeping him far away from the tills.

I was wrong.

When everything came to light, as these things generally do, it turned out he had milked every single one of them, and his own family to boot. I wish I could say that my parents had seen through his trickster ways and were too sharp to be his mark, but we just weren’t interesting or wealthy enough to be worth the effort.

It was a fantastic lesson in perception. That sometimes, just occasionally, your unique viewpoint can give you an insight that no one else can see.

I was thinking about this conman, when I was reading yet another article promising me a ‘no effort garden’. You see, conmen and journalists both possess the silver tongue flattery that can deafen internal objections. “Your life can be immeasurably better if you just do this one thing.” In the case of the conman it was invest in his schemes, in the journalists’, it’s to give the garden centre money.

I’m here to burst your bubble. There is no such thing as a no-maintenance garden. Well, unless you cover it in astro turf and fill the beds with plastic flowers (I know someone that did that, but that’s another story). Gardens, by their very definition require gardening. They need almost constant titivation and adjustment. The beauty of them is that they grow and are constantly changing, but this is also the gardeners’ cross to bear.

During July, the peak of summer, it is possible to take a step back and let the garden do its thing and take a breather. So here are some things you can do that won’t get you sweaty or ending up hating your garden (but aren’t a no-maintenance lie).

1. Take some time to have a good look at how you’re using the garden. Every year I regret placing the outdoor dining stuff so far from the kitchen and yet every spring, when I drag it out of the shed, I think how nice it would be to sit under the mulberry tree and watch the sunset. Not if you’re carrying a tray of gins from the house, GW. No, then you’ll wobble over every step and regret being so cavalier with your choices. Take a moment to really look at what’s working in your garden and try to streamline it.

2. Deadheading - fannying about with secateurs deadheading roses is a delightful pasttime. I try to channel Gwyneth Paltrow in The Politician who gardened in a floor-length red dress, whilst dispensing Machiavellian advice, you can’t push a wheelbarrow in that but you can snip a few fragrant heads.

3. Pinching out and tying in tomatoes – if you sensibly only have a couple of tomato plants then pinching out the hair in their armpits (as I think of those little side shoots) only takes a second and can be done while having coffee. I, however, have 40-odd plants and pinching out takes hours. I have no idea why I planted so many, I think I got over-excited in the wet spring we had. I must remember not to go so mad next year (see point one).

4. Picking flowers/ harvesting – my sweet peas have been turbo charged this year and need picking almost daily. Nothing makes you feel more like the goddess Flora, than prancing around first thing in the morning harvesting your crops, plus it needs doing regularly or things will stop producing. It’s also a great time to potter around and have a look at everything. I find it’s better if I leave my phone behind and have a Proper Think whilst doing it. (See mindfulness and gardening, that’s a twofer).

5. Let a patch grow wild – in my endless quest to try to create a meadow I’ve let stretch of grass grow wild. I’m trying to let the alliums and other things reseed themselves in peace. But do you know what, the long grass looks lovely swaying in a summer breeze. Yes, there are plenty of baddies like hogweed and dandelions in there, but also yarrow and self-heal as well. It’s a joy and although some may think it’s messy (looking at you, Him Indoors), I love it.

6. Sow your biennials or some late crops – sowing seeds is gentle and you can direct sow at this time of year, although I can’t as my slug game is off the charts. I have sown a few packets of biennials I found in the back of a drawer, plus I’m aiming to collect some hollyhock and nigella seeds from the garden. It feels far easier and somehow much less frantic than spring sowing and I’m able to do it with an ice-cold drink in hand. I’m also chucking in some lettuces and cauliflowers, but I haven’t covered the caulis over so I’m fully expecting them to be guzzled by Cabbage Whites.

Finally, if all this seems too much in the summer heat, then don’t do anything at all, it’ll all be waiting tomorrow. Recline under a tree with a good book and wait out the hot weather. I can recommend ‘The Talented Mr Ripley’ although I don’t think it’s meant to be a manual for life.