where did all my male friends go?

i listened to some stories about male friendships recently, on the modern love podcast by nyt

it was recommended to me by a male friend, no less 😂

there’s a guy in there called “sam” who talks about early friendships and how that differs from adult friendships

i mostly agreed with what he had to say

it served as a kickoff point for seeing how “becoming an adult” has affected my own male friends

it was easy to connect

when that connection hit right, it would feel like you had a crush on a dude

like, all you wanted to do was hang, ride your bikes, shoot basketball, whatever

i can think of several people that i had this feeling of “i can’t wait for the next hangout” with

they usually became friends, because i wanted to make time for them

some of the best conversations i had in my teenage years were done while playing table tennis — we didn’t even keep score — we just were punting the ball back and forth while chatting it up

or, we’d be outside, riding our bikes and screwing around

you know, stranger things vibes

this was the time before cellphones too — i would call my friends often to ask questions about homework and shoot the shit, on a landline

i still remember an old ass sheet of paper taped on the inside of my pencil box — it had all my friend’s house numbers

oh how times have changed

high school was similar

there were plenty of extracurricular activities that served as interstitial spaces to connect

i had my marching band friends, my swim teammates, classmates, and hometown regulars i’d hang out with outside of school hours

you’d see the same people, year after year, and together, you’d grow with the changes, until college

i can count the net number of long-term friendships i made in university and graduate school

i say net because at the time, you made lots of friends in school — you pretty much were loosely acquainted with 30-50 people

but in the end, 10-15 years later, there were probably less than five that i saw on a consistent basis

and by “saw” i mean, hangout twice a year, three times if we were lucky

these condensed periods of time where you get to truly know someone seem to occur easily when we’re younger

maybe it’s the “grade” system — you move through K-12 with the same faces

with more face time, you get to see the changes and the similarities

you also have no responsibilities, so plenty of time for seeing faces

university also offers those similar “interstitial spaces” for growth and interaction

it’s obviously possible to make friends as adults, but the imprinting is different

you need some other co-variable, usually some kind of shared interest

but with the loss of “interstitial space” as an adult, there’s not a good place to let things mingle, and therefore, a la carting that shit is a lot of effort

the switch for me, happened in my late twenties, when life all of a sudden got “serious”

“securing my future” became the priority, and so degenerate fun took a nosedive

for others, it’s some combination of job, mortgage and house, kids, chores, and aging parents that suck away the time in the room

i eventually found myself cleaning and doing more dishes than “hanging out”

especially with work, there’s this gaining of independence and resources but loss of time

covid accelerated it too

prior to covid, i’d have friends over after work to chill every week or so, and if it wasn’t at my place, it was at theirs

there are entire swaths of friendships now that have not seen the inside of my apartment for the past two to three years

the hangouts even feel different, i myself, feel more private with my life

we catch up, over a hurried drink, maybe some food, but sometimes it feels like people just do it to get it checked off the list so everyone can retreat back into their homes

i am guilty of this as well

and depending on my level of burnout, i might feel dead inside, maybe a little depressed, and joy might not be there that day

i can for sure say that there are times in my life where anhedonia takes over

things feel more half-glass empty than half-glass full

and when that happens, i get into this mode of not wanting to share things with my friends because i don’t want to “burden” them

therefore it’s easier to not show up to hangouts and instead, do some kind of self-development, like “listen to a podcast”

or even worse, show up and be checked out

i’ve literally done all these things

i used podcast voices to feel less alone during days where i felt alone

you know how they say you should get some sunshine to reset your circadian rhythm?

this was the weird thing i did where i’d listen to voices to feel a little less alone, a little more connected, without ACTUALLY BEING CONNECTED AT ALL

which sounds absolutely fucking crazy

“uh … well, if i’m alone, i’m pretty silent, and when i’m with people, i’m talking, so there’s voices, so PODCASTING, that’s the solution”

no you fuckwit, those are not the mental jumps you should be making, go find someone to hangout with

so if it’s not podcasting, i’ll deny hanging out because i’m embarrassed that i haven’t figured out my problems or improved my life the last time i saw them

they don’t want to hear about my shitty job or how i keep falling into the same problem traps, or how i don’t like this or that, or if i’m having a hard time

sure, it can get tiring, but it happens to everyone

real friends don’t measure you by these things

they are appreciative and thankful that you are able to open up to them like that

there will come a day when they will need the same support

i’m not doing myself any favors by shrinking away

amy and i have this thing we say to each other all the time

what else can i eat?

as a half-truth, half-joke when we’re pretty full already

because you know, we have insatiable appetites, and love food both for its nourishing and pleasurable qualities

but there’s this “seeking” quality to that question

“how can i enjoy more even though i’ve had enough?”

(we’re not gluttons i swear)

but maybe we can use a similar optimism

who else can i hang out with?

maybe scrounge your contacts book

your rolodex if that flips your boat

check your socials, but mostly for dms

meet up, and deepen your relationships

i have heard of some “scheduled” solutions, like one text a day to someone you haven’t talked to in a while, one coffee a week face to face, and three emails a week to keep some relationships warm

the podcast ended like this too, like something about texting them every couple of days, emailing every couple of weeks and seeing them every couple of months in the year

it was kind of a cop out

“like, just schedule it in” — how unromantic (but i guess it could work in today’s social milieu)

the last time i tried to “schedule” something with amy i almost got stabbed in the butt for being so un-spontaneous

“ew, don’t talk to me like your coworkers” she’d say

obviously, scheduling is better than nothing, so if you find that works, then cool

it just feels like it doesn’t capture the excitement and the spark of that desire to hangout with someone and instead, it feels like an obligation, like work

perhaps relationships that mature also fade with excitement energy, like a honeymoon phase

but i think that means it’s time to experience more situations with that particular person to see the different sides of them

you know, climb the same mountain in the morning, afternoon, at night, in the rain, in the fog, and in the sun, to better understand the mountain

i still schedule hangouts like a loser

but you know, it works

i’ve been leaning harder into contexts for deepening relationships and making new friendships

meaning, i like [context] (like jiujitsu, pottery, food-hopping, writing), so i’m gonna go do those things and nerd out with the people there

i find i don’t have to schedule so much in these contexts, so maybe that’s the magic juice

playing by ear off of a context we both like makes it really easy to start and maintain conversations

one trend i’ve been really enjoying is “social hour” after jiujitsu

usually an hour after class ends and everyone’s gotten a few rolls under their belt, people start relaxing, and sitting around

it ends up looking like 3-4 small groups of folks sitting around and chatting

and i just found the spontaneity refreshing — the groups are random and so are the topics

maybe i’ll bring wine or decaf coffee to share or something

at the pottery studio, there’s a time to focus and a time to chat it up with others

while i haven’t seen groups form, amy and i did make friends with our ceramics instructor

i found out we went to the same college, high school, came from the same hometown, and were in the same marching band years ago (wtf?!), and now apparently both like pottery

preferences don’t lie, i guess

at a café, there’s a reason i sit at the no-laptop bar seats all the time

it allows for spontaneity, chit-chat, and coffee talk

but yeah, explore contexts

sure, i could do what i usually do, or let the context do the work

using this, i’m slowly connecting more with folks

moving relationships from acquaintances to hangout status again

and reigniting old friendships from the grave

so where have your friends gone?

they’re just around the corner