In 2015, a teenager from Iowa filed to run for president under the name “Deez Nutz.” A prominent polling firm started including him in surveys, and in March 2016 he got 10 percent of the vote in a hypothetical three-way matchup against Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Not surprisingly, it was Clinton supporters who were most likely to ditch their candidate for Deez Nutz.
On Tuesday, James Fishback, a deadbeat crank whose name sounds like a defunct 19th-century racial slur, got 10.5 percent in Florida’s GOP gubernatorial primary—good enough for a distant third. Few candidates and their supporters have so thoroughly deserved to be humiliated. In addition to being a raving antisemite who made history as the first politician to incorporate the word “goyslop” into his stump speech, Fishback was credibly accused of grooming a high-school student in his late twenties. So naturally Tucker Carlson endorsed him.
The mainstream media fetishized the goon, for obvious reasons. “Look at this Republican racist!” they reported. “He’s the future of the GOP.” They marveled at Fishback’s popularity among disaffected young men and the functionally illiterate. A New York Times reporter prophesied that even in defeat, Fishback would “go down as the most influential loser in recent political history.” (Fact check: He won’t.)
By contrast, the media could not have been less interested in covering Angie Nixon, the Israel-obsessed crank and newly minted DSA member (forgive the redundancy) who pulled off a genuinely stunning upset in Florida’s Democratic Senate primary. Despite being outspent 17 to 1, the “progressive firebrand” trounced the heavily favored establishment candidate, Alex Vindman, by double digits.
It was an embarrassing result for Vindman, who arguably deserved it even more than Fishback. Best known for eavesdropping on Donald Trump’s “perfect phone call” with Volodymyr Zelensky, Vindman parlayed his status as a #Resistance icon into an MSNBC contract and not one, but two guest appearances on Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. In a display of hubris reminiscent of Hillary’s ill-fated confetti cannons, Vindman scheduled a Nantucket fundraiser on Sunday to prepare for the general election.
Bless his heart, the poor thing. And cheers to the #Resistance, which after Vindman’s humiliation is surely lying in a gutter somewhere with a “Do Not Resuscitate” tag around its neck. Democrats are finally starting to realize that Trump won’t be president much longer, and crafting an entire personality around Trump-induced mental illness is so last decade, bro. In case you hadn’t noticed, all the cool kids are doing intifada chic. Burqas are the new pussy hats.
Anyway, it was fun while it lasted.
Now, if you don’t mind, let’s pour one out for the fallen heroes of the Drumpf era:
Robert Mueller: Dead
Michael Avenatti: Halfway house
James Comey: Retired, collecting sea shells, writing third-rate crime novels
George Conway: Ran for Congress, finished fifth behind Jack Schlossberg
Dan Goldman: Lost reelection to Mamdani’s one Jewish friend
Katie Porter: Ran for governor, got 4 percent of the vote
Tom Steyer: Ran for governor, spent $215 million, finished third
The Lincoln Project: No one cares
Joy Reid: Fired
Jim Acosta: “Resigned”
Jennifer Rubin: Who?
Eric Swalwell: Disgraced, unemployed, under criminal investigation for rape
Rest in power, folx.
Imagine a conservative Senate candidate who has expressed a sacred “obligation” to follow Christian law and routinely visits churches alongside radical preachers who openly support Christian terrorists who shout “Praise Jesus!” before murdering civilians. He’s been endorsed by former vice president Mike Pence, former congresswoman Michele Bachmann, and Rep. Andy Ogles (R., Tenn.).
Suppose the candidate’s half-sister had filmed herself celebrating the anniversary of the Srebrenica massacre, or was arrested for spitting on a cop outside an abortion facility. Perhaps this candidate has agreed to speak at a Christian convention alongside a Hitler-loving creationist who said “the Bible condemns Muslims” and has bragged about marrying off his 13-year-old niece, encouraging others to do the same in accordance with Scripture.
Now imagine this same candidate’s living room contained a book written by an extremist Christian scholar banned from several countries for, among other things, denouncing homosexuality as “evil” and instructing husbands to “re-establish authority” by beating their wives. The candidate has also palled around with a right-wing gym bro influencer with a history of vitriolic statements such as “Palestinians deserved the Nakba.”
The candidate narrowly wins the Republican primary. Among the guests at his victory party is a local megachurch pastor who tells a reporter that Louis Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam were behind the MLK assassination. The gym bro influencer gloats on his livestream, denouncing the candidate’s opponents as “anti-Christian pieces of shit.”
What would the media coverage look like? Probably a little different compared to the ongoing coverage of Abdul El-Sayed’s candidacy in Michigan. As you have certainly deduced by now, all the facts listed above are directly analogous to El-Sayed and his coterie of radical allies.
The word “hysterical” comes to mind. One can almost hear the fevered shrieking from the New York Times opinion section, bewailing the arrival of “The Handmaid’s Tale on steroids” or lamenting the GOP’s “hateful rhetoric” that compelled a “down-to-earth” terrorist to firebomb a campaign rally.
If Gustavo Gordillo were a character in a screenplay, a seasoned editor would be appalled. Gordillo, who co-chairs the New York City chapter of the Democratic Socialists of America, is a preposterous caricature.
Age: 38. Hair: Straddling the line between ponytail and man bun. Mustache: Cartoon-villain pencil. Gordillo studied literature at Yale but left without a degree. He went back a few years later to pursue a graduate program in sculpture. He wants to abolish capitalism and lives in a $1.5 million row house his rich dad bought for him in Bed-Stuy, a historically black Brooklyn neighborhood besieged by the invading forces of gentrification. Before that, Gordillo’s father covered his $2,600 monthly rent on the Lower East Side.
Gordillo’s parents, originally from Peru, also own two $3 million houses in South Florida. His dad founded a successful telecom construction firm, which presumably explains how the Yale-educated artist landed a plum apprenticeship as a union electrician. Against all odds, Gordillo was fired for “prolonged absence” and “failure to participate in required work.” That’s when he convinced his DSA comrades to pay him $95,000 a year plus benefits to go on television and demonize landlords, small-business owners, and victims of the Maoist insurgency his family fled in the 1990s.
“Why not call him Fey Guevara?” the editor scribbled furiously. “Too subtle?”
Was Jon Ossoff always a catty little bitch, or did wearing too much makeup turn him into one?
The looksmaxxing senator went viral this week for insinuating that Donald Trump was having an affair with Natalie Harp, a 35-year-old cancer survivor and loyal White House aide who runs the president’s social media accounts and plies him with printouts on command.
Trump and his allies seethed with moral indignation, prompting some observers to retort, “OK, snowflakes, calm down.” Ossoff wanted some attention, and it worked. Wonder where he got the idea? Trump shares living quarters with a litigious wife, so he did what he had to do. But really, what is so bad about wanting to “travel with Natalie”?
Trump is 80 years old and facing questions from liberals about his fitness to serve. Consider the level of physical and mental stamina required to carry on a secret affair with a much younger aide, all while designing a ballroom and running the country. Joe Biden could never.
Birthday person girl: WNBA star Sophie Cunningham turned 30 this week. Keep grinding, queen!
Relationship goal: Congrats to Bryson DeChambeau and his new girlfriend, Mikayla Demaiter, who is (among other things) a former hockey goalie from Canada. Basketball coaches often say, “You can’t coach size.” It’s probably true in hockey as well.
Email: stiles@freebeacon.com
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