After a recent national security incident requiring President Trump to hide in a catering truck, the DOD (DOW, for those in middle school) awarded Lockheed Martin a $1.776 billion contract to develop the Secure Armored Utility Catering Element or “SAUCE” to provide VIPs with an additional layer of security in case officials need to quietly transit on the ground, with a low profile, between parked clearly labeled jumbo jet assets.
“This isn’t your godfather’s food truck,” says Michael “Mikey the Strainer” Scolapasta, a former West Palm Beach pizza restaurateur and now senior directed energy weapons system engineer at Lockheed Martin, who leads the SAUCE research and development program. SAUCE is equipped with seven front- and rear-mounted infrared sensors from Frigidaire’s secret Heat Detection and Eradication development program. The number seven is lucky in Messina. It also has anti-missile systems that just won’t quit, supplied by KitchenAid.
Especially if it has enough salt, the SAUCE will be good for several days. To facilitate this, it has a Michelin-star-quality kitchen outfitted by Williams Sonoma, with perishable items continuously resupplied by McDonald’s.
The SAUCE Mark I vehicle, known as the Ragu prototype, is to be deployed this year. “We were caught off guard in July and want to be able to respond to our officials deciding to transfer from a non-official jet to an official jet at their whim,” says Lt. Gen. Frank “Frankie the Blender” Frullatore, of the U.S. Space Force. “The Ragu will be flowing no later than this fall, shortly followed by the SAUCE Mark II, or Pesto, which has a basil-y pine nut-infused EVOO-enabled Olio stealth capability, provided by Barilla, that the SAUCE can use to slip under adversarial RADAR systems. Barilla contributed the Olio system as a gesture of goodwill between allies after Prime Minister Meloni of Italy and President Trump had a recent diplomatic spat this year.
“I’m just happy to be in business supporting our great nation, especially after the wait staff in my pizzeria chain were all deported recently,” says Scolapasta, whose ancestors, he insists, immigrated on the “Fiore di Maggio” or Mayflower. “It’s my honor to mix and bring out the best in our nation and its allies, and I’m looking forward to combining the most salient features of Ragu and Pesto in the SAUCE Mark III,” says Lt. Gen. Frullatore. The SAUCE Mark III is scheduled for delivery in 2028.
N.B.: It is the position of this publication that readers and other members of the public do not order from food trucks seen near airports.
This was my first attempt at writing something funny, but I usually share essays on current events from a scientific point of view, with references and data.
I recently published this engineering analogy for how good and bad ideas are supposed to be vetted in a healthy free society:
I want these essays to reach beyond sympathetic readers. Research suggests exposure to information outside our usual media environment can produce learning and moderate attitudes, while conformity experiments show group pressure weakens when people respond privately (Broockman & Kalla, 2025; Asch, 1956). That’s why I use paid social media advertising: meeting someone in their scroll gives them room to explore an unfamiliar idea on their own terms. My writing stays free; reaching new audiences does not. You’re not paying for more access to my writing; you’re helping distribute it. If you think that’s worth doing, a $5/month subscription helps fund the outreach that makes it possible.
If you enjoyed this essay, you might also like the following:
Finally, here is a recipe for pasta antifascista:
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