When my marriage ended at 48, I genuinely believed I would meet someone else. Not immediately, but eventually.
As the years passed and nothing much happened, I started telling myself it was because society had changed. I thought this because I wasn’t meeting anyone, even though it had seemed so easy in the past.
For years, I told anyone who would listen that men had changed. They no longer approached women in cafés. They no longer struck up conversations in supermarkets. They were more aware of boundaries. More respectful, more enlightened.
Looking back, that was easier to believe than admitting I had simply got older and that being a midlife woman had changed how I was seen.
No one was chatting me up out and about, like they used to 20 years ago, and the dating apps were just hell on earth.
I soon realised the world hadn’t changed. I had.…
I was in my local Sainsbury’s the other day. It’s tiny, four aisles at most. If two people pass each other, one of them has to turn sideways.
I was looking for the grapes my daughter likes when I heard an Australian accent nearby.
As I turned the corner, I saw a man in his 40s talking to a young woman in her 20s. He was chatting her up.
“Where are you from?”
“Australia.”
“Are you single?”
“No, I have a boyfriend.”
The conversation ended instantly.
He tutted and walked away.
The woman looked relieved.
But before she’d even had a chance to return to choosing her cereal, another man appeared.
“Hi. How are you? What are you looking for? “Can I help”
I stood there wondering what on earth was happening.
After a few minutes, I interrupted them.
“Are you okay?”
She laughed.
“Do people chat you up like this all the time?”
“Yes,” she said. “It’s hell. I can’t stand it.
“Look at this bruise.”
She showed me a horrific grab bruise around the top of her arm.
“This is from a man on the tube yesterday, he got upset that I didn’t give him my phone number.”
I was mortified. This poor woman.
“I have to tell the men that I have a boyfriend, I don’t - just to get rid of them.” It’s awful, it’s everywhere I go…but she wasn’t bragging she was clearly upset.
“Well, don’t worry. When you get to your 50s, no one chats you up anymore. You’ll be alright then”
She laughed.
“Well, maybe I wanna be in my 50s then.”
Then another thing happened to confirm that society hadn’t changed.
My daughter, who is 17, went to a shopping centre a couple of weeks ago with two of her girlfriends, after spending around 4 hours in the centre, she came home and told me that five groups of boys stopped her and asked for her snap, which horrified me, she told me they ranged in age from about 14–17.
I asked her what she thought about that and she told me she didn’t like it one bit. That it made her uncomfortable and self conscious.
That she had to consistently be creative in getting rid of these boys , I asked her if she gave any of them her snap, she looked at me like I was crazy “Of course not mum, are you kidding”
I believed men had absorbed #MeToo, but realised they still approach women, in Supermarkets, in shopping malls, in cafes, pubs, just not me, a midlife woman.
After meeting the young Australian woman in Sainsbury's and listening to my daughter's experiences, I found myself wondering whether something else is happening too.
Maybe the rise of the manosphere, the endless online conversations about what women owe men, and the growing sense of entitlement some men seem to have, is having an impact.
We know misogyny is found in manosphere communities that reinforce entitlement towards woman for example, I deserve attention, sex, a relationship. That women should be controlled and dominated.
Confidence in itself to approach someone may not necessarily be a problem. However, when it becomes entitlement, believing that a young woman owes you attention, a phone number, a date, sex, or a relationship, then we have a real problem..
I don’t know, it’s just a thought, a very scary thought and its not the first time I have had this thought.
What I do know is that one woman showed me a bruise because a man didn’t like being told no. And my daughter had to spend an afternoon finding polite ways to reject boys she had never met.
So perhaps I was wrong to think the problem had disappeared. Perhaps it’s a combination of both.
Midlife invisibility on one hand, and a growing sense of entitlement on the other.
What do you think? Have you had your own experiences with either invisibility or too much attention? How does it make you feel?
Before I go, I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who subscribes to my little old Substack, whether you’re a free or paid subscriber. It genuinely means a lot to me.
And thank you to everyone who has bought me a coffee. I get a little buzz every time the email notification pings into my inbox. It really does give me a confidence boost and encourages me to keep going.
I’ve recently started putting some posts behind a paywall, but I always make them available to everyone first before later moving them into the paid archive.
As some of you may know, I had a little wobble on Notes the other day and started wondering if I was flogging a dead horse and whether I should carry on writing at all... until I was threatened with animal rights. 😂 but anyway what was I thinking, Substack has been the best thing to happen to me. 💖
It’s been a gruelling few weeks. I’m not sleeping particularly well. My Apple Watch tells me I’m awake at least 13 times a night and I can definitely feel it during the day.
I’m also surrounded by people with a few health worries at the moment and working full-time in a very stressful job is taking its toll.
So I’m trying to focus on the small things that matter: walking, breathing, meeting up with friends, and generally trying to take better care of myself.
I’ve got a week off work soon and I’m thinking about escaping to the sea for a couple of days. I love the idea of getting out of London and having a little adventure on my own. I’ve never been particularly good at doing things solo, so perhaps it’s time to start expanding my comfort zone.
Thank you again for being here, for reading, commenting, I appreciate it more than you know. ❤️ Francis xxx
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