My daughter might not go to college.

The other day, I was driving my 12-year old daughter Madison and her friend in the car, when her friend asked her:

“Maddie, where do you want to go to college?”

“I don’t know if I’m going to go to college.”

“Madison, you’re not stupid. You should definitely go to university.”

It stopped me in my tracks.

Now, her friend wasn’t trying to be cruel by ANY means.

She was actually trying to reassure Madison.

Because from her worldview, smart, successful people go to college.

And if you’re not planning to, the obvious explanation must be that you don’t think you’re smart or capable enough.

She couldn’t fathom the possibility that Madison might simply be choosing a different path.

Her friend attends private school and is on, what I imagine, a more traditional path toward success.

Graduate high school, go to a great college, get a good job.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that path.

But it isn’t the only path.

Madison has been building her own business for the past year and a half.

She’s on payroll, earning her own money, and I am actively teaching her about investing and building a stock portfolio.

We’ve talked openly with her about college, too.

She may go, she may not.

Ultimately, the decision will be hers.

Because our job as her parents isn’t to decide what she should do with her life. It’s to make sure she has enough knowledge, skills, confidence, and options to make an informed decision for herself.

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Imagine how limited our children’s choices become if their worldview is primarily shaped by their peer group?

If everyone around them believes success means getting into the “right” school, getting the “right” degree, getting the “right” job, living in the “right” neighborhood, marrying the “right” person, and having the “right” life...

Then anything outside of that automatically feels like failure… even if it’s exactly right for them.

This is why I believe one of our most important jobs as parents isn’t to tell our daughters what to choose.

It’s to expand their understanding of what they CAN choose.

We don’t need to tell them:

“You should go to college.”

Or:

“You shouldn’t go to college.”

We can say:

“Here are your options. Let’s understand them. Let’s explore them. Let’s talk about the consequences, opportunities, risks, and possibilities of each. And then, when the time comes, YOU get to decide.”

That’s a very different kind of parenting.

It’s not about creating children who obey our vision for their lives.

It’s about creating young women who are capable of creating a vision of their own.

As parents, we want nothing more than happy, healthy children who are accepted for who they are.

We want them to have friends, to fit in, to feel lloved and included, and have an amazing childhood.

But then comes the pre-teen and teenage years.

The years when they begin placing more and more weight on what their friends think, what their friends are doing, and whether or not they belong.

Which is also the very moment when we have to start teaching them something that can feel deeply uncomfortable:

Sometimes, becoming the woman you are meant to be requires you to go against the crowd.

To go first, be different, and sometimes walk alone.

Three things our kids absolutely do not want to do.

But if we’re raising girls who will eventually become women capable of leading businesses, families, communities, and themselves, we have to start training their brains for this long before they’re grown.

Because the world will constantly offer them a definition of what their life should look like.

And if we aren’t intentional about helping them develop their own definition, they will inherit someone else’s.

One of the things I’ve thought about a lot as I’ve watched Madison grow is how easy it is for children to mistake consensus for truth.

If everyone around them believes something, it must be true.

If everyone is doing something, it must be right.

If everyone wants the same thing, they should want it too.

But that’s not how leadership works (and it’s certainly not how anything meaningful in life works).

Sometimes the right decision is the popular one.

And sometimes it isn’t.

Our responsibility isn’t to raise daughters who go against the grain just because.

It’s to raise daughters who can think independently enough to decide whether the crowd is right for them or not.

Two very different skills.

Skills that require us to expose them to possibilities beyond the world immediately around them.

Different careers, business models, and lifestyles.

Different definitions of family.

Different ways to build wealth and be of contribution.

Different ways to build a life.

Later on that day, I asked Madison why she didn’t explain herself to her friend.

Her answer was so simple:

“I don’t need her to think I’m trying to be right. I know what I know. She can think what she wants to think.”

I would have been almost tempted to clap back.

I probably would have wanted to make sure my friend knew that she had completely misunderstood my response.

But Madison didn’t feel the need.

She didn’t need to defend her decision. She didn’t need approval, didn’t need to “win” the conversation.

She knew what she knew, and she was 100% comfortable letting someone else have a different opinion.

That is self-leadership.

And it made me realize that sometimes our daughters teach us even more than we teach them.

Because the goal isn’t to raise a daughter who can convince everyone that she’s right.

It’s to raise a daughter who can know what she knows without needing everyone else to agree.

A daughter who can walk into a room and be different without assuming different means wrong.

A daughter who can go first without needing someone to tell her it’s safe.

A daughter who can walk away from the crowd without believing she’s alone.

And a daughter who understands that someone else’s definition of success is not automatically hers.

That is the kind of confidence I want for Madison.

I want her to feel deeply rooted in who she is.

Because eventually, we won’t be sitting in the car with them.

We won’t be there when the friend makes the comment, or when he boss questions their decision, or when the people in the room tell them they are too much, too ambitious, too unconventional, or… not enough.

And when those moments come, I don’t want my daughter to need me to tell her what to do.

I want her to know who she is, what she believes, and that she is allowed to choose differently.

And you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval for that.

That’s the real work of raising leaders.

Not giving our daughters all the answers, butiving them the foundation to find their own.

And you know what?

I continue to learn from my own daughter every single day.

Maybe the greatest measure of success isn’t whether our children follow the path we imagined for them. Maybe it’s that, when the time comes, they have the courage to choose their own.

This month inside Founder Girl, I’m sharing a resource that I wish every mother could have in her back pocket:

4 Mantras That Will Change Your Daughter’s Life Forever.

Four simple truths I want our daughters to hear often enough that, eventually, they don’t need us to say them anymore.

They become the voice inside their own heads.

If you’re already a paid subscriber, this month’s resource is coming your way.

And if you’re not, this is a beautiful time to join us.

I’m currently gifting an annual Founder Girl subscription for every mom who upgrades to an annual membership.

Because raising daughters who know who they are, trust themselves, and have the courage to build a life that’s actually theirs is one of the most important investments we can make, and I want more parents to have access to the resources that will fundamentally shape who they become (that they are not teaching in school).

Upgrade to annual and get this month’s resource:

One year of Founder Girl to gift to a friend, colleague, family member, or client.

One new resource each month.

And a growing library of tools, conversations, and reminders for the woman you’re raising, and the woman you’re becoming alongside her.

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