What If

What if the hot flashes and night sweats have a purpose? Asking for someone who can’t take HRT anymore and is desperate to come to peace with the 1–2 minutes of agony that is a hot flash (that’s 1–2 minutes 5–6 times throughout the day and at various intervals throughout the night). The desire to rip off whatever I’m wearing. The need to get up and escape whatever fiery hell I am confined to. The dread of perspiration at my hairline and forehead, which means any chance of a good hair day is likely gone. The knowledge that my face has become shiny and in the middle of my meeting, sweat may be dripping down my face. Yes, I want to make peace with what is now a necessity for my 47-year-old self.

I am in the middle of breast cancer treatment, and my beloved HRT was the first thing to go when I got my diagnosis. For a little while, after I found out my cancer was hormone receptor positive, when the hot flashes came I would thank them and recognize that they were helping to starve my cancer in a way. (I should emphasize here that no one should take medical advice from me.) But as I settle into the realization that I likely have several more years to deal with them, I’ve decided I need more.