Ní maith liom athrú.
I don’t like change.
I never have.
I will keep the same nósanna - habits for years. I will order the same thing every time I go to a restaurant. I will keep things in my life even after they stop serving me because the pain of their presence hurts less than the fear of change.
It was recently my birthday.
Bliain eile.
Another year.
Looking back, changes are more soiléir - clear.
Often in the moment we don’t see the rudaí beaga - little things.
The decisions we made that lead to more decisions that lead to a different life entirely overtime.
For the last few years, my life has looked significantly different each year on my birthday.
At times, I’ve wanted to fight this.
It has felt like every time I create a new normal, I find stability and familiarity, life forces change upon me again.
I don’t know if it’s age, how much has changed already, or something else inside me, but my dearcadh - outlook is shifting.
A few months ago, I found myself thinking ‘When will things stop changing?’
‘Not this year. Not next year. Maybe the year after that? But not if this happens. Or that. Or something else.’
I realized in that moment, I was longing for an existence that isn’t possible.
I was waiting for time to stand still while the world is always in motion.
Cuireann athrú eagla orm.
Change puts fear on me.
I fear change.
Even good changes because I can’t control if it will all work out.
I can’t know if the things I love about the life I have now will come with me to the next stage.
But I’m starting to realize that there will always be good and there will always be love.
And sometimes, change is what allows the best of life to happen.
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