#121: On not having it all figured out

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Last week I answered some of your styling and shopping questions (did you buy anything?). This week’s mailbag runs the gamut, from recommendations to relationship and career advice.

Below the paywall, you’ll find my thoughts on: books worth packing this summer; corporate AI anxiety; Botox and ageist beauty ideals; wedding speeches; choosing between your marriage and yourself; celebratory solo trip brainstorming.

Instead of leaving this to the last minute, as I usually do, you can send questions here and I’ll save them for the next edition.

Catchann asked: “Top 3 dishes in London”

I’m flattered that you thought I had the discipline to name just three.

I’m going to embrace recency bias and limit this to things I’ve eaten in the last few weeks. I could be here all day, a hundred dishes deep, and this way I can be extra confident in their quality (an excuse, but a good one?):

• The faultless burger at The Plimsoll, which I had as a snack before…

• The big plate chicken at Dilara, which seemed to generate fresh noodles and stew from the bottom of the plate as we ate, Hydra-esque.

• The soft-shelled crab starter at Trishna.

But if I had to be a big girl and name all-timers, these come to mind:

• The oxtail and rice and peas at Jaydee’s.

• Number 39 (the pork biang biang noodles with tomato, egg, and chilli oil) at Master Wei.

• The roast chicken at Bistrotheque, served at the ICA during our wedding reception. Any food that can keep a bride and groom at their table, eating, and guests bringing it up almost a year later, deserves a spot.

And because this is my newsletter and I make the rules, desserts:

• St John madeleines.

• The River Café chocolate nemesis, which as Jonathan writes in this editon of Vittles, you can get for cheaper just next door at The River Café Café.

• The chocolate mousse at Canteen.

Sorrywhatdidyoujustsay asked: “Finding what to do in life, career-wise, in your late 20s when you haven’t got it figured [out]"

Speaking as someone who worried my way through my early-to-mid twenties for similar reasons, I think we both i) overestimate the number of people who are content in their careers (let alone the number of them in their 20s!), and ii) underestimate the frustrations and/or pivots that inevitably come up even if one can say to themself, however briefly, “I’ve figured it out.” I’m happy with where I am now, but I wouldn’t say I’ve “figured it out,” even though other people might look at me, my Instagram, what have you, and assume differently.

Just as someone can be in a very secure and lucrative job but want to pull their hair out, another person can love what they do but have no financial or job security—I have friends in both buckets. I’m saying this to myself, chant-like, as much as I’m writing this to you: it’s unfair and unrealistic to impose the blueprint of a linear path on yourself when careers nowadays are so unfixed, for better or worse. I use this example all the time, but Toni Morrison started writing in her mid-30s while working as an editor.

I would reach out to people whose jobs interest you and offer to buy them coffee; ask about how they got to where they are now, and gauge how your skill set could fit into their line of work if it’s something you’d like to pursue. It’s a jungle out there but I do think it’s healthy to address the root cause of your stress, and challenge your personal idea of success. Lastly, not having it all figured out in your late 20s is much more normal than the alternative—I cannot stress this enough.

Anonymous asked: “Close to hitting 5 yrs at my workplace. Idk what to do next, esp w the rise of AI 🤖”

I don’t know what you do, so I can’t quite flesh out what AI means for your work, but as a writer, please trust that I too am thinking about whether or not my skillset will be obsolete. It’s scary!

Do you enjoy your work and workplace, or does five years feel like the right time to leave? Are you quietly craving a drastic pivot? I’ve pasted this question after the previous one for a reason. Change is scary but I would think first and foremost about what you would like to do for work; take AI/broader shifts into account, but don’t let them dictate your choices. I don’t want to downplay the extent to which AI is already transforming the job market, but depending on what your skills and interests are, there are always big or small jumps you can make. I know quite a few people taking vocational courses and master’s degrees right now in their late 20s/early 30s—even if you aren’t going into it purely for a future gig, it’s never a bad idea to broaden your skill set or experience a different workplace.

Iamkimzhang asked: “Thoughts on intense facials (lasers) and Botox—asking as a fresh 30yo with [an] ageing complex.”

Don’t we all! Last year, I had two rounds of Botox done to help with TMJ and teeth grinding. It’d worked really well for a friend of mine, and I noticed a big difference in how my jaw felt. But I stopped after two treatments, nine-ish months apart, because firstly it was expensive—I didn’t want to pay for it every nine months until who knows when—and I was increasingly scared that my face was changing because of it. My cheeks looked a little more hollow and I was convinced I was getting more pronounced jowls as a side effect.

So, no, I can’t say I stopped purely to stick it to patriarchal beauty standards (I, too, want to look hot), but I feel better doing less right now. This currently means wearing my mouth guard and massaging my face when I remember to.

I have nothing against lasers but find the discourse about which ones are good/damaging/overrated/underrated overwhelming: “X makes your skin thinner, Y only lasts so long before you need to get it done again, Z is unbearably painful,” etc. So, kicking the can down the road by opting out has been my solution so far. This will sound really annoying—I promise I am not bragging—but it doesn’t help that I am offered a lot of free beauty experiences, all of which are packaged to sound life-changing. So it’d be really easy for me to try a lot of the treatments out there but I’ve messed with my skin enough as it is, and so far have only said yes to pretty conventional facials. One day I might decide otherwise but this has yet to happen.

I’m constantly reminded of this time I was offered a facial as press perk when I was in my early twenties. They’d scheduled a surprise cosmetic consultation beforehand and I, being younger and less comfortable saying no, went along with it, only to have the doctor take photos of my face and point out all the spots that needed work (I assumed he meant fillers, if not something more dramatic). Until that point injectables, let alone invasive work, had never crossed my mind. It left a really bad taste in my mouth and I think is part of the reason I try my best not to engage with the world of injectables and invasive beauty treatments. I’d like to end by passing the baton to Jessica DeFino—I’ve been talked off enough products and treatments to justify her subscription fee, and she’s also written a lot about Botox (including for her The Guardian column, here).

VVime_ asked: “Always, book recs pls!”

I cannot keep track of my previous recommendations so please forgive any repeats. Here are some books that come to mind: