I don't even know what to call this

I'm finally making good money doing coaching and it brings up so much grief and anger and just repressed desires - things I secretly wanted and convinced myself I didn't need because I couldn't figure out how to get them.

I wanted to be a full time coach 15 years ago. Really wanted to. Even before I got proper training - at the first coaching retreat I ever did. I came back from that weekend enlightened, empowered, absolutely convinced that this was what I was meant to do.

I wanted to leave coding behind, to focus on people. To help people see what they are capable of, see the impossible as merely difficult, see their own light shine, wake up to the glory of their own power. I felt it in my bones that I could do it.

And I couldn't make it work financially.

I just couldn't fucking make it work.

Couldn't make it work in Israel, couldn't make it work in Canada, just couldn't make it work.

I had no idea how to find clients, had no idea how to charge them real money, kept looking for something that would combine my tech skills and coaching. I don't think I even told some of my biggest recent clients that I was a software engineer at one point. It's just my background now, not part of my credibility. Not my source of worth.

There was much pain and... not poverty exactly, more like scarcity. We made things work, but we burned through all of our savings and...

For the entire 10 years of living in fucking Nelson, right by one of the best ski hills in Canada, that gets 9 meters of deep powdery snow every year I couldn't fucking afford proper fucking boots and proper skis and my feet hurt all the time.

I kept looking at all the people skiing with proper gear and new clothes and feeling ENVIOUS. I couldn't handle the envy, so I convinced myself that I didn't actually enjoy skiing that much. Which I didn't, but only because my fucking feet hurt.

And this - this skill - this ability to help people with their deepest issues - this was always there. This was already there. And I couldn't get anybody to see it, to recognize it, to pay me for it, to respect me for it.

I'm sorry for the expletives, but this is maddening, and I'm writing this out as it flows.

Because tonight, I'm celebrating.

I am now a coach who gets paid, well, a lot. Enough to live very comfortably with a handful of clients - and just a handful of hours of coaching work a week.

It's taken 15 years and one crazy coach who showed me what was possible and taught me how to the business side of this.

I wish I'd met him 15 years ago, but I probably wouldn't have been able to take what he offered. I barely took the leap two months ago, when I joined the program.

Thank you, Jacob.