It's a Pagan Holiday!

We’ve had a host of cancellations and delays ranging from snow to … rain in the Forest Hills School District (FHSD). But there is something dark (literally) and mysterious about the most recent school cancellation.

On Sunday, March 17, 2024 at 1:35 p.m. Superintendent Larry Hook sent out a district-wide email saying:

“Forest Hills School District will be closed for students and staff (as a calamity day) on April 8, 2024. All after-school activities, practices and games will be rescheduled.”

According to the state of Ohio:

“Traffic is expected to be extremely heavy Monday and extending into Tuesday, and communication capabilities such as cell service and internet bandwidth could be diminished or unavailable in places.”

Since Cincinnati is only going to see 99-98% of the eclipse, Is traffic the real reason for the closure? Since avid eclipse enthusiasts will be traveling to get that sweet, 100%, total eclipse view … we think not.

The more likely scenario involves crystals, candles, sage smudge sticks, dancing naked around a ceremonial bonfire and other things to make a former Township Trustee’s hairy palms get sweaty.

Pagans celebrate total solar eclipses as a union between the moon and the sun, and encourage those who witness the eclipse to look within themselves. If there is anything that scares a neo conservative, it’s children being encouraged to “look within themselves.” Because who knows what they could find in there? We wouldn’t want them indoctrinating themselves, would we?

All we really know is that there will be a ritual of some sort taking place and it will involve the local coven of liberal witches. And, because of the closure of school on that day, it could now involve students. Was this the plan all along? Is there a dark side to Superintendent Hook?

How much do we actually know about FHSD Superintendent Larry Hook? We know he was hired by the majority conservative board. We know his contract cost the district more in his first year than the previous Superintendent made during his last year with the district. But when exactly did Larry start participating in the occult? Is there a box to check (as there is for organ donation) when you purchase a vanity plate? Is there a spell to fully fund our public schools without the need for another levy? We may never get the answers to these questions.

School is cancelled all day for April 8, 2024 for the partial solar eclipse. So grab your cauldrons, candles and sage; Get ready to turbo charge those crystals; And praise goddess for yet another day we have to miss work and stay home with the kids or arrange childcare!

Reminder: This is a satire about reasons for cancelling school. It’s just for funsies.