I do cabaret, sing opera, write and dog sit. Sometimes all at once.
This happened. The editor thinks it's a book of dog sitter stories waiting to happen. I am scribbling away at that... I first house-sat by accident. I was originally at Haven House, Lembton, as a live-in safety net for Lady Olive Simmonds, a seventy-nine year-old Bostonian with a lilac afro, a Temazepam habit and leg ulcers. Haven House was by the sea. Eighteenth century, elegant, comfortable. But…
He walked to the other end of the bench like a cowboy just off a horse. He looked like a hollowed out Richard Harris, wearing tailored jeans, a horizontally striped cotton t-shirt and a Miss Marple gardening hat. ‘May I sit here?’ ‘ Of course.’ He sat, nodding. Then, after a while, ‘What a quaint little town this is.’ ‘ Really? With all the Tudor and the Halls?’ ‘ Oh, granted. But I’ve just come…
Tammy, in her seventies, was waiting in the square while the caretaker fixed her hot water. She agreed to let me take notes. ‘ Well, as I say, I began as a Lucy Clayton girl.’ My friend Al went to Lucy Clayton. She told me, 'I learned deportment. That slight swivel walk. Getting in and out of cars. What blank expression to wear while a man lights your cigarette. How to eat your first mussel with a…
Here’s my audiobook for you. Will you buy? Click here It’s self-narrated: with songs, adlibs and bloopers as standard. ‘Achingly funny!’ Daily Mail ‘A book unlike any other, of a story unlike any other. Totally mad, very funny and highly recommended.’ ***** Dr Adam Kay, author of This is Going to Hurt: the Nation’s Favourite Book Guardian Here’s the story… I sang in private formally for Queen…
'Brian the verger snapped at me after I tried gently to tell him the church was too cold for a first communion. And of course I didn't want to be physically rude back.' 'Look at the world around you. Where do you see glimmers of the divine?' 'You get to his age, and life is a process of getting gradually slower and smellier.' 'I've seen a harelip recently and someone with boss eyes. I thought we'd…
'I saw the saddest little thing on a date leaf in a library book. "Judy. I’m writing my name because I have nothing and I’m beside myself to own something. Even just till the last date stamped".' 'Why would you let him put ointment on your back ribs if you didn't ask for it? I doubt you’d be even that casual when it came to putting custard on an Eccles Cake.' 'The electrician you sent me says he's…
'Famous actors don't need to dress like famous actors. Apart from Simon Callow always seems to.' 'She smells like she hasn't actually had that winter coat out as much as needed.' 'Christopher, you can't possibly know that Sea Salt won't have a man's fragrance.' 'None of us on the till thought it was possible to override the take away drinks machine and do an oat milk hot chocolate. But Little Mary…
At the station, Eirwen was standing beneath the Suffolk in Bloom prize-winner sign. She had shrunk again. I was waiting in the car. Gerard, picking up her suitcase (she gave him a Don’t expect a tip look) congratulated her on the win. She frowned. He pointed upward at the sign. She saw and said, ‘Oh, are we thinking that’s funny?’ Walking to the car Gerard asked what he should call her? ‘Mrs…
Twice, a week or so before starting a house-sitting stint, I went to spy out the multiple dogs that would be in my care. Between that reccy and the owners going away one of the dogs in each of the households died. I imagined the pitiful horror of (me) having been the one to find the canine corpse; running to fetch someone. Who exactly? The canine police and/or canine coroner? Agonising between…
I have perhaps tended to boast that I have the widest range of fees for my work, because I cater to the widest range of possible employers. For example, I have a £50 Zoom talk booked tonight for My Tutu Went AWOL! the talk and a Madame Galina Ballet Star Galactica cabaret set at a party in February 2027 for £1,500. Perhaps I should have kept quiet about the more lower end fees. But then, thoughts…
'My mother wasn’t prepared and forewarned about being evacuated, they just billeted her on some retired schoolteachers in the New Forest. Whereas, my granddaughter recently was given a forewarning photograph of her new infant school teacher.' 'Real ghosts vanishing always remind me of the shrinking dot of light at the very end of old television.' 'If your operation scar’s likely to be longer than…
'If you wear anything you have to be asked about, don't.' 'Lots of big posh cars in the square today, occupants going up to the church. Somebody of self-importance must be dead.' 'He's one of that family that only look ginger from the front.' 'None of us on the till thought it was possible to override the takeaway drinks machine and do an oat milk hot chocolate. But Little Mary went on a mission.…
On two occasions, a week or so before starting a house-sitting stint, I went to spy out the multiple dogs that would be in my care. Between that reccy and the owners going away, one of the dogs in each of the households died. I imagined the pitiful horror of (me) having been the one to find the canine corpse. Running to fetch someone – who, exactly? The canine police and/or canine coroner?…
'I began as a Lucy Clayto n girl.' The woman was in her eighties, sharply dressed, hair in a sixties style. ' Deportment. That slight swivel walk. Getting in and out of cars. What blank expression to wear while a man lit your cigarette. How to eat your first mussel with a fork, and all subsequent mussels with the shell of that first one. Riveting and fully essential. You probably can’t believe I…
'And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true...' On the touring talk circuit with me just now are readings of MR James ghost stories, a biopic of Mata Hari and a surgeon giving a lecture on STDs. With slides. In the coffee break, nobody much fancies the Garibaldi biscuits. Let alone the Jammie Dodgers. Also a talk positing that, from His behaviour in the Old Testament, God is gay,…
I rang Traveline North Wales to ask if getting to Mechlyn Spa, North Wales, for a seven-thirty curtain-up next Saturday would involve kayak, farmer’s cart or donkey cavalcade. Nerys, helping me, sighed; I heard typing noises, and she gave me the time of a bus from Aberystwyth to Mechlyn Spa leaving at two-fourteen on that following Saturday afternoon. And I didn’t ask for a second opinion as I…
I'm filling in forms online to do house-sitting. Question. How comfortable are you with using different types of home appliances and technology? In addition to keeping the property safe and secure, home owners would expect you to be able to use electrical appliances as and when required, also any security systems and smart home devices. Would this be an issue for you? Example answer (as given…
'You gotta have a dream. If you don't have a dream, how you gone have a dream come true?' Oscar Hammerstein ii 'And the dreams that your dare to dream really do come true.' (My italics.) Yip Harburg Do you dream? Do you dream big? Do you dream detailed ? I would visualise and visualise my character-comedy character, Madame Galina, on tour. London and Blackpool, wearing a fur, dragging a blue…
In my local cafe this morning Sarah, who bakes some of the cakes, was trying unsuccessfully to contact Lea, who bakes the others. 'Lea, can you please tell us if your plum cake has nuts in it? A man asking needs to know.' Ten minutes later and Lea was still off-radar. Sarah apologised to the customer and suggested other cakes that wouldn't trigger his nut allergy. He said, 'Oh, I haven't got a nut…
I was doing a gig in a town in North Wales. Mair, a native of the town, had something to say to me about the amenities up the hill. Mair was teeny-tiny and gaunt, sitting by the bus window in the midst of a sou’wester. ‘Don’t be fooled,’ she said. ‘The Old Post Office never were.’ ‘What were it as built, then?’ Sarah asked. She was long and lean with an iridescent blue rinse, sitting high in pink…
Rather than my mother’s pilot fish. I have always challenged Eirwen, my narcissist ne plus ultra mother. And, as we often must when dealing with a narcissist, I have fought to be my own shark rather than that pilot fish mooching along at the shark’s gills. NB — we have Royal Marines Commando, Stacks, to thank for that analogy. Eirwen was an unreasonable, raging, physically violent mother. I read…
This happened. The editor thinks it's a book of dog sitter stories waiting to happen. I am scribbling away at same... I first house sat by default. I was a live-in safety net at the time for Olive Eynsford, a seventy-nine-year-old Bostonian suffering with alcoholism, leg ulcers and a lilac tinted backcombed afro. I had left full-time singing teaching. It was my dream to move to Deaven. Olive’s…
I went to church today for St David's Day. I will go again. At Holy Trinity, Bungay, I was welcomed by a verger, known around town as being very caring and community minded. I didn't catch her name, but will be going to a Thursday meeting she holds at my friend Clare's Old Bank Cafe. She mispronounced my name as Justin, and when I told her Iestyn was the Welsh version, she went and fetched the…
The idea was we would all have a daffodil of our own nurturing to wear on St David's Day. Miss Postelthwaite presented all Year Ones (seven and eight-year-olds) at Holy Trinity Juniors with a daffodil bulb to overwinter. I overwatered mine. The first morning of spring term my mother rang my headmaster. ‘Iestyn's father is at this very moment walking Iestyn to school via Lower Marsh market to buy a…
For six months in 1997 I lived in Haven House, Suffolk, as a safety-net for Lady Olive Simmonds: a seventy-nine year-old Bostonian suffering severely from alcoholism, leg ulcers and a lilac tinted backcombed afro. Suffering burnout, I had left full-time singing teaching. It was my dream to move to Deaven. Olive’s house in Lembton was only two miles along the coast. When I had met her socially in…