Stories about general surgery, trauma surgery, dumb patients, dumb doctors, and dumb shit from the dumb world around us.
As if the US public health system wasn't fucked enough when RFK Jr. was somehow, inexplicably, I-fucking-hate-this-timeline confirmed as secretary of Health and Human Services, Donald Fucking (I think that's what the J stands for) Trump nominated someone for the position of Surgeon General who has never treated a patient in an unsupervised setting. Let that sink in for just a second. Let it sink…
YES I AM ALIVE AND I AM BACK. Whether I'll continue to write after this is anyone's guess. This shit is exhausting. Aaaaaaaanyway... Every so often, more reliably than my pager waking me at 1AM to take care of yet another idiot who thought that driving without a seatbelt while drunk was a good idea, the same claims crawl out of the murky depths of the internet swamp and into real life. These…
I'll start this post by answering a few questions that may or may not be burning in your mind: No, I'm not dead. No, I didn't get COVID. No, I haven't quit Twitter (yet). Yes, I'm fine. Yes, Mrs. Bastard and the Little Bastards are all fine. -- As I've said many times, I started this stupid blog for one reason: so I wouldn't forget my stupid stories. I never had any misconceptions that 1) anyone…
Due to popular demand (well, two polite requests, actually), I have decided to create a clean version of my post about COVID-19 myths . If you don't mind (or in fact prefer) the sweary version, please go read that one. Here we go again. Another rabbit hole, and another long post that no one will likely read, care about, or both. In case you don't know exactly what I'm talking about, I went about…
God damn it, here we go again. Another goddamned rabbit hole, and another goddamned long-ass post that no one will likely read, care about, or both. In case you don't know exactly what I'm talking about, I went about busting 76 of the most common vaccine myths I see on social media just over a year ago, so if you haven't read that post, I'd strongly suggest ignoring it completely unless you enjoy…
Let's face it, seat belts are a good idea. This statement is in no way controversial, and all who try to argue against it aren't just "expressing an opinion" or "arguing the other side", they are just plain fucking wrong . Seat belts were designed to keep you safely in the car in the event of a crash rather than getting blasted through a window to land on a fence post, over a guardrail down an…
I often look at my pager sitting next to my mobile phone and think, "How the fuck are we still using this 1950's technology in 2019?" But we still unfortunately rely on these outdated, grossly obsolete prehistoric monstrosities. Regardless, if my pager tells me I'm getting a car accident, I can predict that I will be getting some kind of car accident - rollover, car vs tree, car vs car, etc. If it…
I've said it before, but I'll say it again: trauma is usually boring. I know, I make it sound so utterly fascinating here. I mean, if trauma is so devoid of excitement, why do I do it, and even more importantly, why the hell are you people here to share in my banality? But it is sadly true: the car accidents, elderly falls, and bicycle accidents are just not typically exciting. Sure they may have…
Violence is unfortunately part of my job. I'm not talking about workplace violence, though several of my trauma nurses have been victims of that. No, I mean just regular violence - stabbings, shootings, slashings, animal bites, human bites, and assaults with deadly weapons. And sometimes also assaults with not-so-deadly weapons. Based on the title of this post you may think this story is about…
Yeah yeah yeah, I know I've been gone for over four months, and my Inner Egotist has been yelling at me regularly that my loyal readers (the few I may still have) have probably been missing me and wondering what may have happened. I have also taken several months off Twitter (as you may or may not have noticed), and when my brother recently asked me why, I replied simply, "Sanity". I realised that…
Before you start composing an angry comment over this blog post which seems to be about a blender endorsed by infamous charlatan and overall anti-science fuckwit David "Avocado" Wolfe, this is not about the Magic Bullet blender. Nor is it about this Magic Bullet (warning: link very NSFW). Nor is it about the JFK assassination or the Seinfeld parody thereof . No, it is about an actually really real…
How many true surprises are there in life? This was the question I asked Mrs. Bastard when she was pregnant with our first child and wanted to find out the baby's gender (and I didn't). Now I've heard the counter argument that the gender of a baby is not a true surprise, because it's either going to be (except in extremely unusual circumstances) an A or a B, so that essentially eliminates the…
EDIT: 75 myths now updated to 82. If you are reading this, chances are that you repeated an anti-vaccine myth or said you weren't vaccinating your children, and someone referred you in an attempt to dispel that myth. If so, I truly hope you keep reading. Because as you know, this issue is vitally important. Vaccines are one of the safest and most effective medical tools ever invented. Hang on,…
EDIT: New and improved version, now with 83 of your favourite myths. Ooooooh boy. I have no idea what kind of rabbit hole I'm entering here, and this may end up being the 1) longest, 2) least read, and 3) most unworthwhile (yes, it's a word) post in the history of blogs. But fuck it, I'm doing it anyway. If you've landed on this page, one of three things has happened: You've been a loyal reader,…
It should surprise exactly no one that most of my patients come to me by ambulance. There are a few walk-ins (walks-in?) - mainly 1) folks who are assaulted and have fractured noses and/or mandibles, 2) people who wake up having blacked out drunk the night before with have no fucking clue why the hell their head is bleeding, or 3) cars that roar up to the ambulance bay, kick some bleeding kid out…
Though I live in a relatively small enclave of a much larger city, there are still occasions where I will see someone I recognise. It could be hospital staff, another physician, a nurse, or a patient or their family member. One of my patients several years ago (whom I did not recognise as first) turned out to be a woman who lived just a few houses down from me. It is usually difficult for me to…
Of all the trauma alerts I get, the most frustrating has to be "FALL". These are usually elderly patients who fight gravity and lose, and their cases are seldom (if ever) satisfying. They typically are uninjured beyond bumps, bruises, and lacerations, though due to their age their recovery from such minor injuries can take several days or even longer. But if they do sustain serious injuries, they…
WARNING: NSFW PICTURES BELOW Seriously . . . very NSFW pictures DO NOT read this in the presence of children. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Several people have emailed me over the past two months to ask if I'm ok because my blog has been silent. I thank you good people very kindly for your concern, but I assure you I'm fine. But good lord, you people are right! It's been over two months since I've written…
I'm sure you've all heard the phrase "No good deed goes unpunished". If you haven't, you really need to get out and/or read more. Seriously. Anyway, it is typically said in a sarcastic way after something bad happens after you've done something nice ("I raked my neighbourss leaves and then watched as they were strewn all over the yard by their obnoxious children"). Sometimes, however, the phrase…
I am not a lawyer, nor do I claim any specific expertise in any field having to do with law. But I do know what the word "dismissed" means, and I do know what the phrase "with prejudice" means, so when I saw these words in a Request for Dismissal, written by Bruce Brusavich (who happens to be the lawyer representing Jahi McMath's mother Nailah Winkfield), and submitted to Alameda County Superior…
It's been over two months since I wrote anything, which is by far the longest interregnum I've ever taken. And by "interregnum" I mean "I've been too goddamned lazy and/or distracted to sit down at my computer and get some writing done". Sure, I've seen many blog-worthy patients in the past 8 weeks, but I've just had some trouble framing them into what I thought would be an interesting story.…
It's over. After nearly 5 years, the Jahi McMath saga is finally over. Almost. If you aren't aware of the Jahi McMath story, then you obviously have not been reading this blog very carefully, because I have written about her rather extensively, first here , then here , here , here , here , here , here , and most recently here . The short version is that Jahi was a 13-year-old girl who underwent a…
I read a little story on the internet some time back (and because it was on the internet, it simply must be true) about a young man who was brought to the trauma bay (not mine) after being shot, and though he definitely looked like he was up to no good, he claimed he was shot while waiting for his grandmother to pick him up to take him to church. No one in the trauma bay believes his ludicrous…
I can't remember if I promised I would never watch an episode of The Resident ever again, but if I did, I am officially rescinding that promise. Don't worry, it's for a very good reason. If you have no idea what "The Resident" is, I urge you to click here and read this . In short, it is a very terrible TV show written by a very terrible writer about very terrible doctors doing very terrible…
As everyone should know based on my tagline, I usually write stories about stupid things a patient of mine has done. I will occasionally write a story about myself, mainly stupid things I've done or said, and every now and then I will write about something stupid another doctor has done. But I recently realised that of all the posts I've written, there is one thing woefully and glaringly absent:…