malapdative daydreaming (part II); know why you do it and how to manage it

welcome, dear daydreamers. i hope you stay with me, even if this read gets a little uncomfortable.

side note: there is a part 1 of this article on my page already, i advice you read that first, especially if you know nothing about malapdative daydreaming.

let’s just get straight into it;

• change your mindset towards it.

many of us who have discovered this intoxicating habit hate ourselves for it. but that hate and shame, after years of trying to force it away, gets us nowhere.

the fact that you have this coping mechanism is enough proof that you’re a deeply sensitive and creative person - your inner world is rich, your emotions influence your mind very easily. if you constantly shame yourself for this behavior, you’re never going to reach the first step towards fixing anything. so the first shift is - stop seeing daydreaming as a flaw, and start seeing it as a signal.

• don’t try to ‘stop’ it.

i’ve deleted the music apps, tried to train my brain to shut the daydreams off - but a coping mechanism as emotionally driven as this one cannot just be ‘stopped’. years of conditioning need to be unlearned, and it’s going to take time. you have to understand that it’s some form of addiction, and you can’t just take the pack of cigarettes away from the addict.

it’s the reason the title of the article is ‘how to manage it’. i say manage because i personally believe that this habit, to a certain degree, can be very useful for creativity. it’s not something i’m sure i want to eliminate from my life completely. but it’s something that needs boundaries because of it’s addictive nature, and this is why i say; managing.

• know why you even do it.

most of the reason people perform this act and get addicted to it is because they are either running away from something uncomfortable in their reality - trauma, pain, sadness or even boredom, or they are trying to experience something that is missing in their reality. either way, there’s something important to note here - something you lack here makes you want to go there.

i personally daydream about traveling, community, and being seen and understood in a certain way. even when i would daydream about certain characters, they would naturally have these traits. freedom and autonomy are huge reoccurring themes in my daydreams. this has helped me understand that i am someone who values expression and connections that are authentic and natural; and so many others.

i want you to do the same. notice the patterns of your daydreams; what do they consist the most of? what does it look like you want so bad? and if you don’t daydream about yourself,

what are your characters like? what are the traits they have? who is the character you resonate with the most?

these patterns are extremely important. you would not be daydreaming about things you don’t care about. notice the themes. most people say they daydream about being famous. these people probably crave to be seen, experienced, and understood, in their reality. they probably feel caged and inexpressive.

your daydreams will tell you about what you value the most. understanding them is the first step.

• identify your triggers

the best thing about this mechanism is that it didn’t just start out of nowhere. there was a trigger, a very strong one. and it probably still exists in your life today.

my number one trigger is music. and i’m sure most of you can understand why. in fact, most daydreamers’ main trigger is music. we know how powerful music is, we feel it in our minds, our hearts, running through our bones. sometimes hearing it is not enough and you want to live in it. so that’s exactly what you do.

once you know your triggers, you want to start working towards reducing them. complete removal, especially in the beginning, to me, is a waste of time. you may last a couple days, maybe a couple weeks, but your brain will eventually go back to that habit. it’s the only thing it knows. what you need is replacement.

most people fail at quitting bad habits because they plan to just ‘stop’ without preparing a replacement for the habit. the reason you daydream in the first place is because there’s some kind of void. the coping mechanism is just your brain’s way of filling that void. if you want to manage your daydreaming, you need to give your brain something else to engage in, or it’s going to force you back into what it knows.

the important thing here is that; this replacement needs to be something healthier than daydreaming. something that will not give you as much dopamine and adrenaline, and this is mainly the difficult part.

because daydreaming releases so much dopamine, it’s going to be hard to transition to anything else - be it reading, watching long-form content, writing, crotcheting, baking, anything else. but every time you feel the urge to daydream, you need to train your brain to pick up something else, to think about something else. easier said than done, i know. but it’s not impossible. neuroplasticity is very real. all it takes is time. and never, ever giving up, no matter how many times you fall.

‘what can i replace my triggers with?’

hobbies that you love. and don’t say you don’t have them. trust me, you do. if you don’t know what they are, you just haven’t gotten to know yourself enough.

writing the daydreams down. or even recording them, if writing is not for you. it forces you to slow down, and actually utilize your creative mind. they don’t have to make sense, by the way. just give them a place to rest.

• try and give yourself what you seek

another important thing is to start to find ways to actually incorporate what you so passionately seek in those daydreams into your real life, because it is the fact that you lack and crave them in reality that you escape to your daydreams where they exist. you repress here, so that you can express there. you need to turn that around.

you may not be able to become that pop star, or have that perfect romantic partner immediately, but you can create the qualities that reflect them in your life. more connection, more confidence, more creating, more authenticity. try to be intentional about growing into the person you daydream about all the time. when your brain starts to see these things in the real world, it won’t even remember to seek them elsewhere, at least not as often.

there are other tips i could share; (although i find these hard to execute);

- schedule your daydreams, especially if they affect important things in your life.

- tell someone about it and have an accountability person. someone that’ll take away those earphones at certain times, make sure you’ve gotten your work done, etc.

• and finally, this is not a two-month change.

you have probably been daydreaming since you were a child. like me, i started at about 14. i’m almost 20 now. that’s years and years of repetition. and if you know anything about what i mentioned earlier - neuroplasticity - then you would know that it is millions of strong pathways in the brain, that simply cannot be rewired overnight.

this is the only coping mechanism, the only pathway your brain has been strengthening, so you will fall, you will return, you will relapse. the most important thing is that you stand up and try again, every time.

struggling with stopping is not because you’re an incapable person, it’s simply the way your brain has been wired. it craves habit, not caring if it’s good or bad. and it craves the easiest, simplest, most rewarding habits, which is everything maladaptive daydreaming is.

so give yourself grace, like i always say. it is going to take time. it is. but the fact that you’ve made it to the end of this piece means that you’re willing, and once you’re willing enough, to stop letting this habit take control of your life, you can definitely achieve it.

i wish you all the best, dear daydreamers, and i’ll leave this here;

with grace,

always.