Reading · Family Estrangement

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A while ago I wrote an article covering the many reasons why caregiving can lead to sibling estrangement and the ways in which needing to care for a parent can force old resentments and childhood roles back to the surface.

I followed this up with a practical guide to managing the logistics of care work in ways that are productive and don’t slip into arguments about old resentments.

In this final article, I’m focusing on the subconscious or invisible struggles that happen between siblings during caregiving. My aim is to provide guidance on how to manage the weighty emotions of caregiving without destroying your relationship with your siblings.

When a parent becomes unwell or begins to need end-of-life care, siblings are not often in similar emotional places. Each person had a different childhood, a different family role, their own specific relationship with that parent and their own way of coping. Furthermore, caregiving may push siblings who previously had been busy with their own lives, back together. Differing life choices become visible and they have an impact. One may be a parent, one may have a demanding career, one may have chosen to build a care-free life. These differing values and choices must now be negotiated whilst also doing care-work - something which is gruelling and laced with grief.

A lot of the conflict that emerges at this stage comes from the expectation siblings may have of each other. The most powerful expectation is:

“You should feel how I feel, and act accordingly.”

Unfortunately, you are unlikely to feel or act the same way and holding any expectation that you would feel or act similarly will damage your relationship. Your relationship is considerably more likely to survive, even strengthen, when each person is allowed their own emotional reality, even if it’s at odds with your own.

Resentment builds over time unless you are honest about it. Sharing labour with someone is the perfect environment for resentment to build because small imbalances in labour or finances can quickly lead to frustration over whether things are fair. If frustration and resentment builds then it is easy for siblings to bury their heads in the sand rather than address their emotions openly with each other. However, avoiding difficult conversations does not protect relationships, even if it feels like it does. People often think conflict destroys relationships but avoidance is often more damaging because it erodes intimacy.

To avoid this happening, try to make space for regular emotional check-ins with each other. Use them as a chance to be honest and, if you are struggling to get talking then try to take the risk of being the person who goes first to be vulnerable.

If one sibling has been particularly burdened with tasks that month then ask them how they feel. Even if it feels uncomfortable and part of you would prefer to avoid the conversation, try to make yourself do it. It’s also important that you speak to each other in respectful and transparent ways, like you would with a valued friend, rather than assuming that because you’re family you can be more brusque or harsh with each other.

When you do need to raise an issue with your sibling try to keep it focused on the present and on practical adjustments that need to be made as well as your feelings, not your assumptions of how others feel. Try to stay away from past grievances, now is not the time to bring up old problems.

So instead of:

“I always pick up prescriptions and that’s because everyone takes me for granted. You’ve always just left everything to me”

Try this:

“I’ve been collecting prescriptions for a few months now and I need a break. It’s hard to always fit it in with my work. Can one of you take over for the next three months?”

Instead of:

“If you guys wanted to get family photos then you should have helped with the house clear out.”

Try:

“I have all the photos because I did the house clear out. If you’d like to get some copies then I can let you know good times to drop by and go through them.”

It’s really important to not make things personal and avoid character attacks. If you start to feel too emotional during the conversation then ask if you can take a break and come back to it.

Stubbornness, denial, control or withdrawal is often grief in a less recognisable form, if you can start recognising that then it can be easier to be compassionate. It is normal to react very differently to grief and stress compared to someone else. Your way of grieving is not the only and “right” way.

People respond to anticipatory grief in a number of ways:

One sibling may avoid conversations about decline because accepting them feels like giving up.
Another may become highly task-focused as a way to feel in control.
Someone else may disengage entirely because it’s emotionally overwhelming.
Another may be flooded with negative childhood memories and vanish from the process completely.

All of these reactions are driven by grief. It can help to occasionally name what is actually happening beneath the surface so that you can all become more conscious of it:

“This is really hard. I think we’re all dealing with it in different ways.”

This helps to reduce the sense that you are all fighting to legitimise your response.

Caregiving often pulls old family roles back to the surface. The “responsible” one takes over. The “absent” one disappears again. The “difficult” one challenges every decision.

It’s very tempting to interpret current behaviour through the lens of the past, but doing so often locks everyone into their old childhood roles. It is also often easy to forget that your siblings have built whole lives outside of the original family. To you they’re still the person you shared a room with, or sat down to dinner with every night. But they’ve gone and had numerous experiences outside of the family. They’re categorically not the same person you grew up with, even if being back in the fold might drive them to regress to old roles.

The best way to avoid this regression happening is to focus on responding to what is happening now, not what has always happened. A sibling who was unreliable ten years ago might now be managing several demands and may genuinely be trying their best to be supportive and helpful now.

If you are fortunate enough to like your sibling then try to ensure that you keep a relationship that is separate from care. Make time to go to the cinema together or spend time with them and their kids. WhatsApp them about funny things at work or invite them to your children’s birthday parties. It’s vital that conversations don’t just become about parents.

When every interaction you have with each other becomes about logistics or decision-making, the relationship can start to feel purely functional. It may feel trivial to share something funny or silly whilst in the midst of end-of-life care but it acts a reminder that your relationship exists beyond this period of crisis and practicality.

Not every sibling will be able, or willing, to participate in care. This is not necessarily about shirking responsibilities. Some siblings will have too many other demands that they have to prioritise. However, you must also remember that if a sibling experienced harm, neglect or a very different version of the parent you knew, their relationship to caregiving might be shaped by that. If you had a positive relationship with your parent and your sibling did not, it’s important to recognise that your sense of duty may not be shared, and cannot be imposed. You may also have both experienced a troubled relationship with a parent but, your decision to be dutiful is your decision and not one that your sibling has to share in.

It’s important that you don’t try to force a reluctant sibling to participate in care because it is unlikely to lead to a meaningful contribution. Instead it is more likely to damage the sibling relationship. Even if you feel the burden is unfair, you will have to try to come to a place of acceptance. Pushing against someone’s boundary will create more strain than it resolves.

It is unlikely that things will end up exactly fair, either practically or financially. One sibling may live closer to the ailing parent and take on more practical responsibilities. Another may contribute financially. Another may provide emotional support such as calling the parent regularly. Sometimes one may contribute very little, if anything.

Trying to make everything exactly equal between you will lead to you wasting precious energy on constant comparison and resentment. A more workable approach is to aim for something that feels broadly proportionate - taking into account capacity, finances, geography and personal circumstances. If you are all able to contribute in some way then appreciate each other for it. Also, don’t be the martyr. Don’t damage your marriage or your relationship with your kids because you are doing too much. It may be necessary to put your parent in a care home and that is okay. Be kind to yourself. It is often the decision that allows everyone, including your parent, to be supported more safely. Also, do not ever feel that you are a bad person if you do not want to provide care to a parent who was absent or abusive.

Caring for a parent is one of the most emotionally complex and draining periods many people will go through. It brings together grief, responsibility, money, history and duty, simultaneously. If you want to protect your sibling relationship then try your best to be accepting of each other’s differences.

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