Let’s Start to Repair Cancellation and Estrangement

Black-and-white thinking abounds today. Our culture is riddled with rigid or tribal thinking that rarely considers another person’s perspective on a subject. Rejecting those who express a different viewpoint seems to be alarmingly common. Yet if people are secure and open to learning more by exploring a topic, they are more likely to engage in conversation because they welcome a widening of their viewpoint and an uncovering of their blind spots.

I ache not only for myself, as both of my daughters have gone “no-contact,” but also collectively for all the other parents who have had a close relationship with a child who has since severed all communication. Cutting off one’s parents seems to be “in” among younger generations, and I am feeling a larger ache for parents everywhere who have lost an essential and meaningful connection in their lives.

I could not have foreseen what happened to thousands of parents, just as I could not have foreseen the images of planes flying into the twin towers. I use that example because it reflects the intensity of distress and pain, personally and collectively.

My mom and I had a close and wonderful relationship, and I had the same loving relationship with my daughters until just a few years ago. Decades of closeness were wiped away, almost casually, and I am not unique in this parental experience. Parents can acknowledge their child’s needs for separation and independence, but what is happening today goes well beyond a natural and appropriate desire for autonomy.

I’ve experienced many paradigm shifts in my life through exposure to diverse ideas. I have adjusted and expanded my views on a subject when I allowed new information to come in. Sometimes, I have been embarrassed that I didn’t see the bigger picture sooner.

Dwight Panozzo, who authored the article, “A Parent’s 10-Point Guide to Epistemic Humility,” postulates, “The safest mind is one willing to revise itself.”

What if we question a claim rather than automatically affirm it? Panozzo says, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.” How might mindsets and culture change if we embraced this distinction: “Ideas should be tested; people should be respected”? When the evidence comes in, let’s have the grace to consider it and possibly switch gears. Health and lives depend on that ability.

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A parent who has a different perspective on an issue that might be uncomfortable to discuss has often been villainized for “hurting” their adult child simply by expressing their views. A parent can acknowledge that the child is feeling pain and also wonder why ordinary relational dynamics, where two different viewpoints collide, have been labeled as abusive and traumatic. A parent can validate that the differing view causes distress for the child and also question why that alternative view has been labeled as deeply wounding. Parents who have held a close bond with their adult child for decades can find that relationship suddenly severed in a culture that seemingly cannot tolerate different frameworks to be included in discussions around certain subject matters. When a topic discourages civil conversation to unearth its root or purpose, that belief system may be fragile, flawed, or false. Something has gone terribly wrong in the culture when so many previously close families have fallen apart from the forced compliance of a belief system and the censorship and exclusion of voices to discuss it openly and respectfully.

Context is a lost art in our current culture: any uncomfortable discussion with different viewpoints is often labeled hurtful, and young adults shut it down. In a culture that demands conformity to groupthink in one way or another, the parent who resists control, coercion, force, and demands for compliance in believing a single theory or idea is often distanced from, or even excluded from, their kids’ lives. There seems to be hypocrisy among young adults who desire autonomy of thought but do not allow that same autonomy with their moms or dads. Many parents are willing to look for a middle ground to allow both the adult child and parent to coexist with differences, but for kids with black-and-white thinking, there is no middle ground to meet and relate. And so, non-abusive parents find themselves brandished and banished from their kids’ lives and treated the same way as truly abusive ones. The sweeping hand of dismissing parents no longer contains discernment.

It’s time to recognize the damaging effects of cancel culture and estrangement ideology. If one cannot have dinner or hang out with someone who thinks differently, we have lost touch with our commonalities. The current trend of casual, normalized canceling of friends and family while claiming the action is noble needs to be questioned whenever it occurs. Cut-off culture needs to be called out as the movement toward dehumanization. We all can agree that leaving a truly abusive relationship is warranted, and it also behooves us to address the unwarranted distancing and dismissal of previously close and meaningful relationships. One can dress up cutting off a relationship in nice-sounding therapeutic language like “self-care” and “empowerment,” but once you peel off those descriptions, you may see what lies below the surface. Consider calling out the tendency to sever a relationship impulsively. Push back on cloaked language that may not be accurate. Offer suggestions for course correction and share resources, such as The Work. Help guide relationships toward repair, humility, and rebuilding.

People need person-to-person contact to thrive. Long-term well-being is not achieved through screen relationships with strangers on social media. A follower doesn’t foster a real human connection. Only relying on AI for answers, instead of asking questions of your friend, your mom or dad, your grandparents, or your aunt or uncle, outsources the people in your life who have experience and wisdom within your family and those who care about you. Social media may have started as a way to connect people, but now it often disconnects real relationships. Furthermore, social media has become another addiction that eventually corrodes and diminishes the user, like tobacco, drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, and sex addictions. I invite each reader to contemplate whether online or social media influence has eroded or contributed to the ending of a relationship. Consider increasing your in-person time with family, friends, and community members.

In the article, “The Black Mirror Effect,” Mercedes Cue writes, “Social media platforms are designed to amplify emotional content. The algorithm doesn’t reward nuance—it rewards certainty, outrage, clear villains and victims. A young adult struggling with their parents doesn’t encounter measured advice about communication and boundaries. Instead, they’re fed content that tells them: ‘Your parents are toxic. Cut them off. Protect your peace. You don’t owe them anything.’”

She continues, “Healthy development requires young adults to separate from their parents, to establish their own identity, to push back against parental influence. This is normal. This is necessary. But what we’re seeing now isn’t just separation—it’s complete severance, often accompanied by rigid diagnoses and permanent declarations.”

Kids who have grown up with screens, the Internet, and social media don’t even know what they have lost. I read Pamela Paul’s book, 100 Things We’ve Lost to the Internet, and realized that many kids today have never experienced the items she lists. Of course, the Internet is not all bad, but we have lost many important items and experiences to it. As I read Paul’s book, I considered which losses were significant and worth restoring. Might those who remember life before the Internet share this book with kids and talk about it? As these losses relate to the culture of estrangement, it’s possible that the next generation—the kids of those who cut off their parents—will also not know what they have lost. Gone are their grandparents and other extended family members, and along with them, their stories and libraries of knowledge and experience. Consider reading and discussing Pamela Paul’s book with the younger generation, sharing stories of life before the Internet, and recording family history for future generations. Consider a digital detox to limit screen time or eliminate social media.

Because inquiry, discussion, and debate with multiple perspectives are frequently disallowed due to division and tribalism, a person may not have the opportunity to weigh and consider the topic appropriately and with balance. Many people, entrenched in their ideological boxes, experience cognitive dissonance but can’t seem to escape it unless something in their world shatters, causing the walls of their container to fall away. Consider practicing articulating opposing positions by speaking with someone who can calmly present a different perspective or by listening to information sources you may have previously excluded.

Historically, groups have been blamed for personal or systemic problems. Parents may be one of the latest targets in a repeated history known for dehumanizing segments of the population. The movement to diminish parents has been ongoing for a while. Subtle influencing, even grooming, of the younger generation to consider their parents as lacking value can be seen in modern books, podcasts, blogs, TV shows, and movies. I’ve observed parents being the brunt of jokes and depicted negatively in the media. Might diminishing parents with humor have an insidious effect on watchers or readers, leading them to believe that parents are not to be admired, modeled, or cherished but rather laughed at like a joke? Consider showing parents as valuable people and acknowledging the importance of parent-child bonds through writing, speaking, filming, and advocating.

Remember, parents are meant to guide, set limits, and say no when a child is misguided, negatively influenced, or making drastic, potentially irreversible, and damaging decisions that will affect the rest of their lives. Yet culture has seemingly turned against the parent, stifling and squashing their protective instincts and dictating that the mom or dad must believe and comply with whatever the child demands, even if it harms the child and the family. Question it whenever you see the undermining of appropriate parental responsibilities and rights.

Grace can be found for those who unintentionally treated a parental relationship as a low priority while they were busy growing up and spreading their wings of independence and autonomy. However, a trend of generalized demonization of elders and parents can be observed in some therapeutic/coaching communities and platforms. Many parents are starving for the relational connection, purpose, and meaning they had previously enjoyed but have now lost due to insensitive social and therapeutic influence that results in parental alienation. Whenever you observe it, consider pushing back and questioning those whose professional focus or influence centers on devaluing parents. Let’s pivot to teaching, modeling, and practicing communication skills that are vital to healthy emotional connection and strong, sustainable relationships.

It may seem easier to stay quiet and distance yourself from people in damaged or severed dynamics by using justifications or excuses to exclude yourself from any role you played or contribution you made in encouraging someone to end a relationship with a parent. It may have felt “necessary” at that moment, but if you feel any regret, it may be time to course-correct. Navigating relationship breaks is hard enough in private, but if others sabotage reconnection or the culture fuels ongoing separation, the odds of overcoming those external forces to reunite drop significantly. Ask yourself if you have unintentionally contributed to an ongoing alienation or estrangement. If so, is there a way to shift that energy and build bridges to connect others?

One essay in Jennifer Hershon’s series, “WTF? Where’s the Family?” declares, “We are at a crossroads in the history of the family as a system. The fabric that once bound generations—messy, imperfect, resilient—is thinning. A tapestry woven over decades is unraveling, not always from cruelty, but often from certainty. From stories that no longer allow room for repair, growth, or shared humanity.”

Apologies and reparations are not indications of failure but rather signs of growth and humility. Past black-and-white thinking may have eroded a bond, or a rash decision may have ended a relationship. Self-forgiveness is an act of grace, as is forgiving others who may have acted impulsively with dismissive behavior.

Those outside an estrangement situation may find it difficult to navigate and may not know how to help. Stepping into a witnessing role may be a first step. Rachel Haack explores the power of witnessing in her article, “If You Know an Estranged Parent, Please Read This.”

Thanks to all who are walking alongside those who are moving forward on their bumpy roads of reconnection and healing. It is much appreciated.

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EyesOpen Mom advocates for parents’ and women’s rights, the protection of children and vulnerable adults, and the foundation of the family. She doesn’t believe those rights should be subservient to parental cutoff culture or gender ideology. She advocates for comprehensive, ethical care and is deeply concerned about the medicalization of gender identities of children and vulnerable adults. She is committed to restoring truthful, factual birth certificates and promoting civil discourse rather than suppression and silencing.