When’s the last time you thought to yourself (or said out loud), “I can’t afford that”? Believe it or not, that simple phrase “I can’t” can have a large impact on our psychology.
Before I go any further, I promise this isn’t another cringe-y “choose an abundance mindset” post — you can go scroll LinkedIn if you’re looking for that sort of thing. This post is about the psychology behind what phrases like “I can’t” or “we can’t” actually do to our brains, and it’s written by a behavioral scientist (me).
Underneath all the cringe-y rhetoric about having an abundance mindset, there is a real psychological truth — two phrases can describe the exact same decision but produce different effects.
For instance, “we can’t afford it” and “we’re choosing not to spend money on that right now.”
Same choice to not buy something represented in two different phrases, with two very different effects on the brain.
Psychologist Julian Rotter’s concept of locus of control refers to whether you perceive events and outcomes in your life as governed by your own actions (internal locus) or by outside forces like fate, luck, or others in power (external locus).
Psychological research consistently shows that individuals with a strong internal locus of control have better academic1 and professional2 success, better health outcomes3, and greater overall well-being4 compared to those with an external locus of control.
In the phrase “we can’t afford it”, the word “can’t” puts the locus of control outside of you — your job isn’t paying you enough and they’re to blame. On the other hand, “choosing not to” puts the same constraint inside you — you made a conscious choice about how to spend your money.
Nothing about your family’s finances change between those two sentences. What changes is whether the person saying it (and the kid absorbing it secondhand) experiences money constraints as something that happens to them or something they are in control of.
In practice, “we can’t afford it” tends to mean one of these few things:
You haven’t run the numbers. In this version, “can’t” just means “I haven’t done the math I’d need to do to know if we can actually afford it.”
You’ve done the math, and don’t want to make the trade-off it requires. A budget is a numerical record of your priorities. If the numbers say no to something, it’s because they already said yes to other things. In this version, “can’t” means “we’re not willing to give up… the newer car / the bigger house / the summer vacation.”
It’s not a priority right now. Sometimes the thing doesn’t matter enough for you to spend time going through your budget line-by-line to see where it could fit. In this version, “can’t” means “we’re choosing not to spend on that because it’s not a priority for us right now.”
You actually can’t afford it. Sometimes you really do want to afford something and “we can’t afford it” is actually the most accurate way to describe the circumstances. But even in situations where you actually can’t afford it, there is a way to bring the constraint into your internal locus of control.
“We can’t afford it” is like closing a door whereas “how can we afford it?” has the same starting point but keeps the door open. It treats unaffordability as a problem to solve and that gives your brain something to work with.
Then you can start asking things like, “how would our budget need to change to afford it?” and “what trade-offs would we need to make to make it happen?” that move you closer to getting the thing you once felt like you couldn't afford.
“We can’t afford for one of us to stay home” has the exact same locus-of-control problem as “we can’t afford a vacation,” just applied to a much bigger life decision.
The sentence makes it sound like a permanent state, but it actually describes a specific set of circumstances: with our current spending, our current housing cost, our current debt, and our current savings goals, one income doesn’t cover our lifestyle.
Moving from “we can’t” to “our current setup doesn’t allow for it” opens up possibilities and gives your brain a problem to solve:
What would we need to change to make one income work?
Which expenses are non-negotiable, and which are simply habits we’ve accumulated?
What trade-offs would we actually be willing to make?
For some families, the answer may be that too many things would need to change and they’re not willing to make those trade-offs. That is a valid choice and there is nothing inherently wrong with it.
For other families, the answer may be that they could actually make it work with some trade-offs, including forgoing extra income so that one parent can stay home.
The families who successfully move to one income are the ones who get specific about the financial trade-offs they’re willing to make. They replaced “we can’t” with “we can do this if we’re willing to change X, Y, and Z.”
If you want to get that specific, the free enough number calculator is a good place to start — it'll show you exactly what you need to earn based on lifestyle adjustments in about two minutes.
Get the free Enough Number Calculator
Brad Klontz, a financial psychologist, has spent years studying what he calls money scripts — the unconscious beliefs about money that form during childhood and persist into adulthood, even if the circumstances that created them have changed.
His research shows that these scripts predict adult financial behaviors like avoidance, hoarding, and compulsive buying regardless of childhood household income. In other words, two kids from equally tight-budget homes can grow into adults with widely different relationships with money.
Your relationship with money and the way you talk about it will shape your kid’s relationship with money more than your actual income will.
A financially comfortable household that talks about money exclusively using scarcity language (”we can’t,” “we don’t have,” “that’s not possible”) can hand a kid a scarcity money script. On the flip side, a tight-budget one-income household that talks about money using agency language (”we’re prioritizing X over Y this month”) can hand a kid something closer to financial confidence, despite the constraint.
I promise you don’t need to start speaking exclusively in affirmations, “manifesting abundance,” or adding "money mindset coach" to your bios on social media. The following smaller, much less embarrassing swaps should do just fine.
Instead of “We can’t afford a vacation this year,” try “We’re putting that money toward something else, so we’re skipping this year.”
Instead of “We can’t afford that toy,” try “We’re not spending on that today — add it to your birthday list.”
Instead of “We don’t have money for that,” try “That’s not what we’re prioritizing right now.”
Instead of “We can’t afford a bigger car,” try “What trade-offs are we willing to make so that we can get a bigger car?”
All of these phrases have the same outcome in terms of not spending money, but the swaps have very different effects on your brain.
“Can’t” is often a shortcut word standing in for a longer, truer sentence about a choice you made on purpose.
Say the longer sentence.
Your kid is listening either way and you get to decide which money script they get to carry with them.
Jenny :)
P.S. Please reply and let me know if there is anything you’d like me to address in an upcoming Ask Me Anything.
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