Welcome to Every Day is a Strategy Day, where I make strategy personal, practical and just a little provocative.
I remember this one conversation with a former boss. I had asked for 30 minutes to discuss my future. I had prepared carefully what I wanted to say and ask.
It didn’t start well. I sat there in front of him, like a schoolboy in front of the headmaster, waiting for him to finish an email. It was clearly a power play on his part.
When he looked up, I could tell his head was elsewhere. He listened to what I said, barely giving me any eye contact. By the time I finished, I expected him to chip in with a response – a perspective or even a challenge. Instead, he talked about his priorities, even his achievements, as if he hadn’t heard a word I said.
I felt confused, wondering what this had to do with what I said. I tried again. I rephrased my question and restated my ambitions with more conviction. He gave me some generic praise for the work I was doing, glanced at the time and said we needed to wrap things up.
No conclusion, next steps, or appreciation.
We had been together for about fifteen minutes.
As I left, he walked towards one of his favourites. His demeanour changed immediately. Out came the charisma: the broad smile, the warmth and the obvious interest in what the other person had to say.
Kathleen writes about the gap between the leader seen by clients, boards and senior colleagues and the person experienced by those with less power. Some become highly skilled at managing upwards, projecting warmth and confidence in public while creating anxiety and uncertainty behind closed doors.
That difference matters. Other people may genuinely encounter a charming, impressive leader, which can make you question your own experience of them
I can still remember watching them, with a tinge of envy, wondering what just happened.
I replayed it for the next few days – longer, if I’m honest – wondering: Had I explained myself badly? Was I asking for too much? Had he made up his mind already?
I thought about that meeting again – and my former boss - while reading an advanced copy of my friend Kathleen Saxton’s forthcoming book, Sly & Mighty: How to Recognise, Resist and Rise Above Toxic Power (pre-order it here). She brings a unique perspective, as a C-Suite executive, psychotherapist, founder, and executive recruiter. She’s seen it all.
Several people from my career came to mind as I read it. They were often impressive in public, turning on the charm, full of confidence. Up close, they were often more distant, as if they wanted to make you feel anxious about where you stood. Managing them and anticipating their reactions became all-encompassing.
Even those in their inner circle would choose their words carefully and make suggestions that would be a safe bet. It was hardly the recipe for an inclusive, empowering, and innovative environment.
It also has a substantial effect on your agency as a leader and as a person.
You find yourself spending time as their mouthpiece, giving them what they expect, losing confidence in your own ability and courage.
You may still be performing day-to-day and progressing in your role. But when the toxic boss moves away – or up, as often happens – you find that your confidence and skills have atrophied. You’ve become institutionalised in a way. When a new boss takes over, ready to listen and empower you, you find it takes time to take advantage of the opportunity.
Kathleen offers a useful way of thinking about your options: whether to stay, play or slay.
“Play” particularly struck me. You may decide to remain for a defined period because the role still gives you something valuable: experience, financial security, credibility, relationships or a route to your next move. The important thing is to make that a conscious choice, with clear limits around what you will tolerate and how long you will stay.
For some people, the only healthy option will be to leave. While you are deciding, there are several strategies you can use to maintain your sense of self:
Stay close to people you admire and can learn from.
Pay attention to your own behaviour, especially if you find yourself straying from what you feel is the right thing to do.
Seek advice and feedback from people you trust – on how you’re performing and how you might handle difficult situations.
Invest in your time outside work – with a hobby, family, or friends, or in the community – to give you a wider sense of perspective, and resilience.
Reading Kathleen’s book also made me think about meetings I have led.
I know there will have been occasions when somebody prepared carefully to speak to me and found me distracted. I may have looked at my phone, moved the conversation along too quickly or responded before I had fully understood what they were saying. I probably forgot the exchange soon afterwards. They may have remembered it for much longer.
The more senior you are, the more people watch you. They’re looking for signals. They notice whether you look up from your screen, give them time to finish and show any curiosity about their answer. They remember who gets your attention and who is pushed away.
These experiences influence what people contribute the next time they see you. Someone who expects to be heard is more likely to raise an early concern, share an idea that still needs work or take responsibility for a difficult decision. Someone who feels routinely dismissed will give you the politically correct or polite answer or stay silent.
So think about your recent conversations:
Did people leave knowing where they stood?
Were they clearer about what to do next?
Did your response help them use their judgement?
The leaders I have valued most – and I can think of plenty of them – encouraged me to think and express myself. They listened attentively, offered some new ideas or perspectives, and challenged my thinking. It wasn’t always easy, but I felt I was developing myself.
Take a moment this week to consider:
Which conversation are you still replaying?
How has one person’s reaction begun to influence what you say or do too much?
Who could help you see the situation more clearly?
What might people have carried away from their most recent conversation with you?
Looking back, I now would have had a different conversation with my boss. I would have started with his priorities, and set out how I think I can best contribute to them – inviting him to give a perspective.
If he didn’t, well, that would have been the answer. And I could move on, knowing that I had tried my best.
Warmly,
David
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