On sleepwalking and plate-juggling

For months now (maybe this entire year, if I’m honest), I have felt like I am sleepwalking. I take the steps, I do the motions, but I’m not really there.

A few people have asked me why, wanting to understand what started it.

“I don’t know,” I shrug. “Nothing. Everything. I’ve got a bad brain.”

Once I finally realized, finally admitted it, I started watching for signs. “How do I feel? Does this wake me up? Does this make me sleepy?”

Sometimes it was good, useful. I left the bar to cry in my car when I felt bad, instead of staying to torture myself. I stopped looking for excuses to talk about something that made me feel confused and crazy everytime I talked about it. I got more discerning about when I wanted company for the camaraderie and when I was trying to avoid myself.

But at a certain point, the constant vigilance became its own bad feeling—something to fixate on and worry over and try to control. More bad brain. So, for now, I have decided that that’s not my concern. I take the steps that are necessary, I do the motions I know are good, and the rest will sort itself out.

Things are different though. I know that I am in a different place than I was a month ago, more lucid even if not fully awake, because I have the energy now to be overwhelmed.

Something an old therapist said to me is that, “we’re all juggling a lot of plates. But some of them are plastic, and some of them are fine china.” The point being, when you can’t keep it all up you should drop the plastic and focus on the china. I would like to say that for the last few months I have been focused on keeping up the fine china, but the truth is that the plates where invisible the second they left my hand. I just waited for contact and kept on throwing.

What I mean when I say that I have the energy to be overwhelmed is that I can see the plates now, even if I can’t look down to see what I might have dropped. It feels better in some ways and worse in others and I just keep reminding myself that I don’t have to worry about how I feel. I am letting the mood-surveillance plate drop—one less thing to keep in the air.

Biggest Little Zine Fair has our next event on May 31st. 10am-3pm at Page Against the Machine in Long Beach. We’ll have over 100 zines for sale and a giant section of free zines, too. [You can subscribe to Biggest Little Zine Fair! to get all the updates]

On Thursday, June 12, I’m featuring at one of Long Beach’s long-running open mics, Trenches Full of Poets. 7 PM, also at Page Against the Machine!

I’m hosting a summer literary salon called SOLAR in Long Beach from June to September. Each month brings together writers across genres to read and discuss their work, all organized around a different sun related theme. Tickets go on sale in June, but in the meantime you can find all the details at solarliterary.com. 1