People Who Need 2 Shut the F*ck Up

Silence is golden.

The rebop that frames the backdrop of most of our discourse these days, the wallpaper of humming shit that lets you know that you’re among the chatterati, well, it’s good to find some place away from it. Which is harder than it looks when you consider that everything talks to us these days.

Your phone. Your glasses. Ear buds. Your car. Coffee machines. AI. Every thing, and everyone, comes, built-in, with a desire to have their mewling heard. Which is, charming, in an afterschool special way. Unless you have ears. Then, not so charming.

For the simple reason that, if Warhol was to be believed, some of y’all have exceeded your allotment of time that we have to (get to…must?) listen to you. Forthwith here’s our handy, dandy mean-spirited, and hurtful GUIDE to PRECISELY who needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

BILL MAHER

A distinctly unfunny stand-up comedian from the yesteryear of the 1980s, Maher initially fashioned himself a Mort Sahl, Dick Cavett-esque kind of erudite tummler. Closer in fact to Elayne Boosler, the low-water mark of charity comedy, Maher lucked into a show that he’s ridden right up and through the brown nosing of the Presidential Maniac, and into expressing opinions connected to those rejecting Trump’s invite to play his party as “unpatriotic”.

Though Trump has insulted him, Maher crawls back, in an effort to force relevance onto sow’s ear of his space in public life. Like tits on that same sow Maher, one soul in search of some significance, opines, opinionates and in general forgets that if we really wanted any more shit out of him, we’d squeeze his head.

I don’t often condone the arbitrary exercise of violence but…wait a second…yes, I do. Next time you see Maher? Vote the only way you know how. Fist first.

DR. JILL BIDEN

This…unforced error…specifically, her releasing a memoir now, in this space and time, is the prize-winning ultimate vaingloriousness. And, total disclosure, she is someone that I have had the occasion to hang with. At OZYfest. So I’ve peeped her act up close and personal.

They say politics is like entertainment but for ugly people. I say politics is like ugly people for entertainment. Because what was the process by which Dr. Jill Biden woke up one morning, and in the midst of The Great Dumpster Fire That Is Now America, decided that what we all needed now was to be reminded that it was by dint of her efforts alone, that the last election was bobbled by her desire to stay relevant and keep Joe where no one in their right mind should have?

No book has been more unnecessary. And none less welcome. You want gratitude, to quote Eddie Murphy from Dr. Doolittle, get yourself a gerbil. But please, please, shut the fuck up and leave us the fuck alone. Down here on Planet Earth there are real people living real lives who do not at all need to be caught up in your bullshit or whatever the fuck is going on here.

And in case you hadn’t noticed…America is aflame.

Also, Joe needs to shut the fuck up.

PRESIDENTIAL MANIAC DONALD J. TRUMP

No one is listening anymore. No one believes you anymore. No one who didn’t believe you before believes you now. No one who believed you before doesn’t not believe you now. You have reached/attained total nullity. No surprises. No nuance. Just a farty bleat of nothing. Forever.

BENJAMIN “BIBI” NETANYAHU

Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu has served as Prime Minister of Israel since 2022. And this after having previously held office from 1996 to 1999 and from 2009 to 2021. Which is a long time and we’ve needed a long time to process his act.

“Given the history of my people on the planet if I have the choice between over-reacting and under-reacting,” Netanyahu once said, “I’ll choose over-reacting.”

This kind of tweaked my funny bone in some kind of way and it would be totally fair to say because of it I gave him a pass on a lot. If you’ve ever spent significant amounts of time in Israel like I have you know that to Israelis, Americans are just useful idiots who invariably screw things up worse when they get involved than if they had done nothing at all.

But Netanyahu, corruption investigations and all, has primed the American pump to better/best serve his interests. Not necessarily his countries. His. With the most major one being keeping his ass out of jail.

Only when you travel the world do you see how truly alone Israel is and Bibi can bear the blame for this since, beyond his audience of one (who he is now ignoring), no one else has signed on for this who isn’t also a far right apparatchik.

At this point? There’s nothing that can be said that would fix it. So, please…just…stop…talking.

DANA WHITE

“You... you imbecile. You bloated idiot. You stupid fat-head, you.” Peter Lorre screamed these words at Sidney Greenstreet in The Maltese Falcon. Fans of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) scream these every day at the CEO of the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC). Unless you’re a White stan. Then…well…go fuck yourself.

But the bald Trump toady, the Jason Statham-esque blowhard who never met a pause he couldn’t give a press conference to, has been unstoppable. Running off at the mouth and out of his depth on anything and everything this modern day Professor Irwin Corey and former Cardio kickboxing instructor, like the Energizer bunny, just won’t stop.

Some ersatz Southie version of tough (I’m still happy that known associate of mine Kevin Weeks drove him out of Boston…actually, wait…yeah, no. He’d have been better off remaining there I think), hitting press and panderers with casual insults and some standard fuck-off-age, White is the peter principle in principle and if I could make it through one WEEK with his piehole shut, the world would be a better place.

And every time he opens his mouth he lies. And his mouth is always open. The people who share the space around him need combat pay. Bright side take? The UFC fight at the White House will be ass. You heard it here first.

SPIKE LEE

What? He’s not said much of anything lately? Well, seeing Spike at a Knicks game was enough to remember how our paths have crossed previously and each passing leaving me more enraged than the last. So in this instance it’s not so much that he needs to shut the fuck up. It’s much more that he has to have never said anything to begin with.

How is it possible that I liked him so much in theory at first and hate him so well now? Well, WHY Eugene?

The year 1987 on West 4th when he was handing out posters for School Daze and he threw me race shade for my then-girlfriend. Or when I auditioned for Robi Reed. Or when I made the move to interview him for CODE magazine and he insisted on the cover and to add insult to injury insisted that Stephen A. Smith be the only one he’d be interviewed by.

I may be unraveling here a bit but fuck that guy.

ERICA KIRK

Why are you still talking? You, the wife of dear husband “murdered”, have not stopped talking since he did. And about what? About her not having a boyfriend, her not having sex with Vice President JD Vance, her love with Charlie “lasting a lifetime”, along with the occasional death threat for good measure. And who’s taking care of them kids? And will they start talking too? Please. No.

STING

You ever been shit on by a pigeon? You’re just walking around, having a good day and out of nowhere, a healthy dollop of the viscous slippery is dribbling down your shirt front? Or worse yet, some place that’s hard to reach and harder to clean?

Sting is that viscous slippery.

Whether he’s talking about how men need to do dock work to re-capture some sense of fleeting masculinity (says the school teacher), or he’s denying any of his kids an inheritance, no one can stop this prolix marauder.

Open mouth. Shit on your shoulder. Is there no amount of money we could pay him just to be quiet? Asking for a friend.

MANGENE? YES!

BUY it…you won’t be sorry that you did.

HEY HEY HEY…and because rust never sleeps.

BOMB A LIL JOY has a new record out too…a record with which we, the makers, are well pleased.

It’s called BABY BLUE. Go and BUY it.