stress took me to the ER

I need to be brutally honest about how hard carrying this project has been, because I want you to know that when I ask for help it is completely sincere.

In early January, our documentary GENX had two incredible opening night screenings hosted by UNC and Duke. These were packed rooms and in many ways felt like a dream come true after 9 years of intense, work.

But just 3 days before, I was in the emergency room because I couldn’t form sentences or keep my head up on my own.

In fact, in the months leading up during our series of work-in-progress screenings my body was falling apart in many ways. The feeling of responsibility to carry a story that affects so many people and has involved SO many voices over nearly 10 years on my shoulders was weighing so heavy. At the first screening, I developed an eye infection so severe I had to go to a specialty clinic the next day so I could see. At the second, my eye had healed but my stress was now hijacking my autonomic nervous system causing involuntary sweating, freezing cold hands and generally just making existence hard. I tried to keep all of this internal but now it’s apparent that these problems aren’t just going away.

Why was my body failing? What was so stressful?

When you share an unfinished work with dozens of people and ask them to criticize it, it’s a very vulnerable experience. Documentaries, like other art, are ultimately subjective which means that the pile of feedback will have lots of contradictions. When the story also involves your personal life, like GENX does for me, it’s impossible to fully remove yourself from that feedback. It can feel like pieces of you being pulled apart, all in effort to make a better final story but sometimes the feedback does not land well.

Support GenX

GENX began with me learning that Cape Fear River was poisoned with PFAS for 40+ years. I thought that understanding it's History would shed light on clues to fix the problem. In some ways it did, and the journey for me quickly grew personal as my mom’s chronic health issues that first inspired me to study health seemed increasingly more intertwined with toxic contaminants in our environment. This connection grew further as I learned that my own chronic health issues seemed cut from the same cloth, and I trusted my producers who encouraged that the GenX story morph into one that shares these personal struggles and goals to help create a final & cohesive film.

But you can’t please everyone, and it breaks my heart.

While the vast majority of our audiences have been so kind, warm and positively receptive of the film — a few have been critical. One that weighs so heavy on my heart is an ally in this environmental advocacy work who did not appreciate that GENX included my life or my mom’s experiences and challenges with chronic illness. That opinion cut very deep, because this person is a great fighter and has worked with us in the past but seemed disappointed that the story in their mind was not the story we presented. I worked very hard when this person first shared their opinions at an early cut to make as many changes as possible but ultimately I was not able to satisfy them. We expected them to be very excited at the prospect of having a story that could rally people, educate & inspire them to take action - the feelings that audiences describe to us after our January screenings.

To be clear, we are currently in the final editing phase awaiting a senior editor’s review (who has a neutral eye for the topic) to help make this the best final version possible. It means we’re in a great spot to listen for final feedback & possible adjustments before the story goes out to the world.

It’s hard not to feel gutted by that when you spend 9 years working on something with your whole heart in an art-form that is so disturbingly unsupported.

It’s not all bad - but it has been harder than expected.

Our greatest strengths so far have been colleges - which is where we have set most of our sights for the tour. Screenings will require funding and planning so we are seeking donations & event partners to make these happen. We will make an open call for screenings once the film is completely finished.

With honestly,

Eli