Cruising: My Summer Story

This summer I started visiting a very popular cruising spot here in Hackney, East London. It’s a really beautiful spot in the middle of the Hackney Marshes, an area of natural beauty.

Decades ago, a group of Queens carved out this area, among the bushes, so that we had somewhere to go, to hang naked, sunbathe and have sex.

You only know about it if you hear about it, or dig through the internet to find the directions.

It’s not easy to find. But when you do it’s really quite magical. Pathways wind and weave through the blackberry bushes. There are ‘dark rooms’ carved out of the trees and shrubs. The winding maze of pathways are dotted with naked men strolling around, looking, watching, waiting, kissing, cruising, sometimes fucking.

Eventually these pathways spill out into what is known as The Unicorn; an oval shaped opening which is the main gathering spot for gay naked sunbathing.

It’s really rather cool and beautiful.

As you meander through it all, you feel like a queer Alice in Wonderland gently rolling down a a very secret rabbit hole.

This summer, I started visiting this spot frequently as it’s just a short bike ride from where I live. But not for the reasons you might imagine.

My primary reason was not for sex, actually.

I’m not a huge fan of sex among the thorns and dust, the wasps and potential passers by.

Occasionally it can be a thrill but it’s not my go to scenario.

That’s not to say I didn’t get up to anything at all. But more on that in a bit…

My primary reason for going was to practice getting more comfortable around other gay men in a highly charged sexual context. I wanted to decrease the charge somewhat, and get more relaxed around other men, to feel more natural and at ease.

And what better way than to throw myself into the burning fires of it all! AAAAHA!

You see, I’ve noticed that so much of the time it is our sexual currency that’s up front and centre when we connect with other men.

It doesn’t seem to matter who, where, what or when, but around other gay men there is this internal GPS system in most of us that goes “do I find them attractive, will we fuck, are they for me?” And if the answer is “no” what happens is that any other chance for connection seems to fizzle and die. And that’s a great shame, I think.

And I wonder, how many opportunities have we all missed out on for friendship, platonic intimacy and just meeting interesting, fascinating people? What have you lost by simply internally swiping left?

“So why on earth did you go to one of the most highly sexually charged places you can find to do this Gary?! A cruising spot!?”

Well, first of all I’m a bit mad I suppose, and I like a challenge. I like to throw myself into the fires. I like to experience intensity. It’s the way I’m built to learn. And it’s just down the road…

Secondly, I thought if I can do it here, I can do it anyway. You know, if you throw yourself among the sharks and still manage to swim, then you can swim anywhere, right?

I wondered if it was possible for me to be in a highly charged sexual space and not let the sexual currency lead the way. To learn how to be more myself (which is to connect through talk, through getting to know someone more deeply, through being known myself more intimately).

To not let someone's body, or my body, define our worth.

To experience multiple rejections head on and not let it phase me.

To let myself walk the catwalk, be looked up and down by the crowds, to be analysed, scanned and judged, to not know what any of them were thinking of me, to be in the spotlight, like a deer in headlights…

… and to be ok.

To practice just being ok with it all.

Not super confident. Not care free. Not aloof.

Just ok.

Because that is what happens. Not just at the cruising grounds, but in almost any space you enter that is full of other gay men…

We enter the space, and we do it, don’t we?

We search, seek, scan, judge, weigh up, pitch against the other, work out “who here is for me?”, and ask ourselves “who am I enough for and who am I too much for?”, we wonder who is going to want us, desire us, approach us, judge us, reject us, choose us.

… and then we start to shift our body and mannerisms, uncross our legs, lower our voices, retreat to the corner, avoid eye contact, over perform, hide behind masks, suck in our tummy, puff up our chests…

It is exhausting. And really depressing. And I’m over it.

But it all happens so fast. In split seconds. Subconscious. We aren’t doing it on purpose. We are running programs that have been running in us since before we even knew how to think properly about this shit.

And I’m on a mission to change it in myself and to create spaces where you can too.

The reason I go on these missions, just like my cruising ground one, is to go and do the dirty work, on the ground, in the fires, so I can assimilate what I learn and then pass it on to you to make it easier and more straightforward.

For example, The Erotic Awakening is my 8-week sex healing program for gay men that takes you step by step through everything you need to make the internal transformation that I’ve been making in my own life. To build your sexual confidence from the inside out, so you can hold yourself in a room of other gay men without feeling needy, less than or fearful of rejection. To learn how to feel and experience more intense erotic pleasure when you masturbate or have sex with others. To learn how to ask for what you want and actually receive it. To listen to others and give more pleasure. And lots more.

The early bird expires midnight tonight, Wednesday 18th August, and your invite is waiting…

Learn More & Join Us Now

So what exactly did I learn at the cruising grounds that has informed all this?

I learned to lay, naked, and be a lot more comfortable in my unique body without needing anyone's validation.

I walked around the cruising ground, made offers to hook up, and got rejected… again, and again, and again, and again, then again, and again and some more. And then a whole lot more. It’s so good for you to go and get rejected. You just learn to let go and not take it personally.

I also rejected others too, of course. But there is a fresh and honest simplicity to it all. It really is just a simple honest “no, not for me thank you”.

I learned that I like to connect and communicate before I get sexual with someone. The immediate hook ups with no context, no chat or talk first felt flat and empty to me. They were forgettable.

But the ones that started with discovering a little about someone, some tension, some build up, felt more alive, fulfilling and hot. I liked striking up conversations with people first and playing the “do we/don’t we/are' we/aren’t we” game for a little. I like the process of trying to work it out. Having it on display, easy to have, just there to pick doesn't feel fun to me. It’s like just picking up a toy, playing with it and putting it down. I don’t like it. It doesn’t turn me on.

I like the push and pull of tension. It gets me going.

And this is something you learn in The Erotic Awakening in a Module called “Consent, Communication & Boundaries”. You actually learn about who you are, what you desire, what you need in a sexual dynamic and how to communicate it in a way that is a turn on. In the module called “Core Erotic Themes” you learn about your kinds and fantasies and what they are trying to teach you about your desire and needs. And you learn to use this information to have more transcendental, cosmic, magical sexual experiences with yourself and others. You learn how to touch yourself with more intention, sensitive and erotic sensation.

I learned how to be ok with not being seen, chosen, wanted, desired or picked by ‘the cool boys’ (or what I assumed to be the cools boys anyway).

I realised one of the things I need and desire is to be recognised for my mind as well as my body and sexuality. That intellect turns me on. And my intellect being recognised is a hugely erotically exciting.

“Wow, I love the way you talk about (insert topic of conversation)” — this will get my pants down faster than anything else! HAHA!

And finally I learned not to lay naked in the sun all day without sun cream. OUCH!

This is just a handful of lesson I learned in my cruising experience this summer.

I wonder, have you ever been cruising? Do you like? What do you like about it? What do you not like about it? Has it helped you develop and learn about yourself?

Please help spread the word; restack this article, tap like and leave your comments! I can’t wait to hear from you. Or if you don’t want to comment publicly, send me a DM.

And if you’re ready to let me guide you on a deep and erotically powerfully journey of sexual healing, then come and join me and a group of men from around the world on The Erotic Awakening 8-week program. Early bird expires tonight (Wednesday 18th August).

With Love & Pleasure, Gary x