today’s audio is a song from my unfinished, underdeveloped, languishing musical TERRARIUM BEHAVIOUR.
everyone who is anyone has an unfinished masterpiece in their metaphorical desk. i hang my hat on the, perhaps, apocryphal story of writer steven knight having the script for “peaky blinders” stashed away for years due to chronic disinterest from power brokers. the same with the legendary sally wainwright and her script for “gentleman jack”. sometime in their mid-50s they had built up enough cachet to do these “passion projects” which were actually all along bona-fied masterpieces.
not being british, or quite old enough yet, i am biding my time. would i be raiding the desk drawers if i didn’t have this podcast? likely not. but it is pleasurable to hear how i left things in early 2020. actually i left them in a pretty good spot.
after my musical miss you like hell opened at the public theater and went no further, i retreated to the dune shacks of cape cod to live without electricity or running water for two weeks and start a new, ambitious project: a musical for which i would write the book, music, lyrics, and orchestrations. it’s awfully hard to get a new musical off the ground, and TERRARIUM BEHAVIOUR had the added hurdle of being an absurd romp about gender that takes place in a terrarium and uses the milieu of the mid-century great american songbook as its language. that’s a mouthful.
however, i was able to get an opportunity to have a reading of it in LA in 2019, a big deal. directed by my friend danny mefford, who choreographed miss you like hell, fun home, dear evan hansen and more, i learned a ton and took those ideas into early 2020 and my position teaching at my alma mater, brown university. as part of my position, i was able to plan a developmental reading of TERRARIUM BEHAVIOUR in the spring of 2020. another big deal.
danny and i had a call scheduled for march 11 to go over the script. i taped the call so i wouldnt have to take notes. we had lots of ideas brewing for the workshop and a great music director lined up. TERRARIUM BEHAVIOUR was finally getting its sea legs.
we all know what happened next. dear reader, to this day i have not listened to the recording of that call, and from march 12 until last week i did not even open the TB script once. it has become my “peaky blinders”, “my gentleman jack”, my white whale, my fawn i have left in the grass until i have the resources to come back and feed it.
for those of us living in rural places, you will know we’re smack in the middle of a unique time: fawn season. and whether you live in the country or not, you likely know that when female deer have babies, they do something quite unusual. is this the plot of bambi? would you believe i have actually never seen bambi!
anyway! shortly after birth, a female deer leaves her vulnerable, newborn fawn stashed someplace safe while she goes out and forages. the fawns know instinctually not to move. contrary to popular myth, baby deer do have a scent, but its discernible only to their parent. you should trust me, as i have confirmed all these deer facts from a website!
so this is why most rural people have some cute story or other of finding fawns in unexpected places. there are also some awful stories involving stashed fawns and large lawn mowers. fawn mowers. too soon?
the deer facts website cautions that you shouldn’t disturb a fawn if you come upon one. you’ll be drawing attention to it, which can result in predators noticing or startling the fawn so that it gets up and moves, making it harder for their parent to find it.
this all begs the question, what kind of parent would hide their baby in a bush, or a desk drawer, and walk away? fair fair question. after all, babies need nurturing, they need protection, they need safety to grow up on their own terms. but sometimes all those things look like walking away. a hidden fawn is simply a dormant musical waiting for their parent to return with resources - be it milk from a mammary or a 29hr reading from a well-funded regional theater with a strong record of developing new musicals. a young mammal, or play, might need to hide out until the world is a more hospitable place to grow up in. the best parents know this and hide their fawns with love and care.
hey yall - let’s keep it quick! i’ve decided to go to grad school for an MFA… in playwriting. i’m very excited to share that i’ll be earning my degree at hollins university in the great state of my childhood, virginia. i’m telling you this because i am proud, not because i’ll be playing, writing, or pod-ding less. i’m just nervous and proud. it’s 30 years to the week that i graduated from highschool. so if you have recommendations for things carl and i need to see and do while we are in roanoke, bring them on!
meantime, more than ever my writing will be sustaining me. just 2% of the people that read or listen to Fax Of Life are paid subscribers. i’d be so grateful if you’d consider joining them. and no matter what, i appreciate you listening and telling friends. thank you!
when i was a kid, there were several venerable trios we learned by rote: stop drop and roll. rock paper scissors. alvin simon theodore. father son and holy spirit. as i grew older, these were replaced by more serious triumvirates: death taxes and change. roosevelt churchill and stalin. beyonce kelly and michelle. and fight flight or freeze.
i encountered this last trio in therapy, for which i am endlessly grateful. in stressful situations, what do you do? i’m not much of a fighter, don’t use it against me. as many of my intimate partners know, i am definitely a frequent flyer. and i certainly am capable of numbing out and getting paralyzed, a human glacier. i always think of the perfect put-down or defense later.
recently however, it’s become trendy to add something to this helpful trio: fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
fawn?? like a baby deer? no, fawn like make a man feel comfortable. fawn like soothe the powerful person whose feelings are ruptured. fawn like placate, de-escalate, compromise. readers, i feel called out!
i am a champion fawn and fawner. i am always aware of the chemical scents of power and likability and trustworthiness that are emanating from my little body and from yours. when we are in conversation, i am reading your expressions minutely, listening to your vocal tone, watching your body language, just as much as i am listening to what you say.
like many people i am conflict averse, so fawning comes naturally. and of course fawning comes at a cost too. i can find myself agreeing to things i do not want to do. i can find myself expending much more energy than necessary to keep someone else happy. this can look like lots of smiles, bright cheery uh-huhs, and some serious ass-kissing. why do i do this?? called out as a fawn, i ask myself this question all the time.
sometimes the danger is just too great. sometimes the coyote or lawn mower is just too close or powerful for me to antagonize or run from. fawns are survivors! our first priority is to get out alive, to live another day so we can fawn again. i also fawn by calculation. i am by nature an energy-conserver. sometimes fawning, though it is work, is less work than fighting. pick your battles. sometimes fawning is the long game - a cultivated strategy to build a relationship you may need later, a short-term distaste for a long-term gain.
the other evening i was out on a group walk with friends. walking through the center of town, we startled a fawn and their mother out on a similar walk. as the mother bolted up the hillside behind the library, the fawn was left behind, struggling to climb over a retaining wall, unable to reach their mom and follow her up the hill to safety.
we all stopped and watched for a minute, egging on the little guy as they time and time again almost got over the wall. and then we realized the danger. the fawn was caught on a small strip of grass between the wall and the busy road that people roar down to come into the town center. one wrong step, at the wrong moment, and a dear little deer would get smashed.
everyone sprung into action - several folks went out into the road to stop oncoming traffic. one of us walked carefully toward the fawn and sheep-dog style tried to herd it up the hillside and over the wall. meantime, the mother on the grass above fretfully observed the scene below. eventually the little deer figured it out. on wobbly, new legs, it clambered up and over and tottered its way up the hill to be reunited with their mom. everyone cheered!
so this summer, maybe check in on your languishing projects and let them know you’re still out foraging. and this summer, consider who you are fawning with and what for. and remember all fawns grow up, so enjoy this precious, tender, protected phase and fawn on, my friends, fawn on!
x erin
this is carl and his off shoot, miss peggy sue. fawn-like, and yet not.
i can’t get enough reflecting pool content. nature always wins!
i recently re-read this 1992 banger. unsurprisingly most of it went over my head back then.
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i’m not trying to brag, but i saw maya rudolph in “oh mary"!” last week. talk about committing to the bit!! she was 💯 at all times. it was a pure delight. i know the tickets are expensive!! but if you’ve been on the fence, and you’re able, DO IT. she’s there til july 5, but also look who’s next!!
i would never have seen this vid, except that i subscribe to roxane gay’s the audacious roundup, and she recommended it. ❤️🪮
Sep 18-19, 2026 - Hillsdale NY
Beacon Music Factory Song Camp
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stay tuned for more winter 2026-spring 2027 show announcements soon!
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