I Hit Myself

When I asked my wife if she felt comfortable with me writing about this publicly I started to cry as I was talking. She said “Yes” of course, she always says yes but I still need to ask. I couldn’t have imagined that meerly proclaiming my intention would unleash so many emotions. I think until today I haven’t told more than 5 people what I’m about to say.

It starts like a small fire, embers glowing in the center of my chest. It’s not really painful per se, but it does seem like a burning sensation. But that is not where it really starts, it really starts with the emotional pain. Anguish, frustration, desperation, isolation. The emotions pile on quickly sometimes, too quickly and in an almost uncontrollable fashion.

My fists begin to clench. I know it’s coming, and soon. It’s here already actually, it’s the strength I’ve developed resisting it that is the only thing holding me back. Why not let go? Just let it happen, for a few seconds of physical pain the emotions fall to the floor.

Thud! Thud! Thud! I bang my clenched fists against the sides of my head repeatedly. That pain. That relief. Then comes the guilt, the regret, and the self admonishment.

It started sometime in childhood though I couldn’t be certain when, most of my memory has always been foggy on dates and details. I have an image in my mind of maybe an 8-10 year old me running to his room and whaling on his head after some severe disappointment.

Throughout middle school and high school it was not an uncommon experience. I believe I may even have done it in the school bathroom once. I’ve always been prone to these sudden rages and almost always the violence is self directed. Almost because I can think of a couple times when I was attacked in high school where then I unleashed an overly brutal and rash response. 

Thankfully, since that time I haven’t had any problems with violence towards others and as I grew up I learned to manage most emotionally difficult situations. For a long time I had completely stopped hitting myself, as much as 10 years maybe. It all came back again after my break down. The continuous failure of my delusions to fulfill their promises was too much to bear.

Again and again “god’s plan” was clear to me and yet over and over I was disappointed. Sometimes I feel I hit myself to punish myself, it’s my body uncontrollably beating the brain that is making such bad decisions. I'm a failure, a loser, why do I continue like this? I know it’s not true but the tape plays on repeat in my head.

Nowadays I’m happy to say it is a rarer occurrence, maybe once every couple of months. About half of those times I am able to resist it completely, walking away from the situation and practicing breathing exercises. I sincerely hope one day I will have trouble remembering when was the last time I did it.